What a SH*TTY DAY!
September 12, 2005
Well Mister Thomas,
You have really MADE MY DAY! First of all, you are lucky you are cute, because I would have thrown you into Daddy’s Tool Bag and sent you off to work today, had I known THIS was going to happen.
I can forgive the crying, the fussiness and such, because I know you are teething. I mean, I REALLY KNOW….you never let me forget it. Ever. Your screams can be heard at the depths of hell…..and upstairs in the bathroom when I’m trying to brush my teeth…..at 1 in the afternoon when I finally have a chance!
I can forgive the food you throw on the floor, even though I’m not a huge fan of bending over, especially to pick up chewed up pickle particles. Never mind that I am physically ill at the smell of pickles, but to have the surface area of the pickles expanded by your monster chompers, makes the smell even more rancid. BLECH! I give them to you not only because you love them, but also because the cool sensation on your red gums give me the 4 minutes of peace I need each day.
So when I heard you playing upstairs after your ‘fake’ afternoon nap (I know you never fall asleep you little trickster!), I figured, well, ‘he is quiet and I can continue my little break.’
Then it got silent.
I crept upstairs to listen and figure out if you were sleeping, and you heard my footsteps with your CIA-training-type-hearing and began to cry. I open the door to the most disgusting stench and the sight, well sir, the green poo all over your crib was un-freaking-believable to me. You had removed your diaper and had smeared it all over the entire crib, yourself and your innocent little teddy bears, who, by the way, have never done anything to you, as far as I know. Now these poor little creatures who watch over you at night are spinning in the washer in very hot water…..I sure hope they know how to hold their breath! I sure do now!
People, we have a
CONTAINMENT BREACH!
I stood and surveyed the mess you had created and formulized a plan to get you back to cute, non-poopy status.
Once I picked my jaw up off the floor, I ran from the room to run a bath (all the while wishing I hadn’t seen any of it and could ignore you until Daddy came home, but no….)
Having the patience of the crotchety old man that lives across the street from us, you screamed bloody murder. Child, I can hear you….but he who must be washed, must shut thy mouth. PLEASE.
I flipped the tap on, squirted an entire bottle of Huggies baby wash into the tub, and ran back to strip you down. Upon closer look, I spotted the mass of pickly green goo in your hair and tried to pull it out with your t-shirt…..no dice. It was stuck there and would not be coming out unless you let me wash your hair. Well we all know how much you LOVE that. Since you already had your diaper off, I picked you up and cursed your father for having longer arms then me….oh and for passing on to you, his lovely gene of digesting food in such a manner that Daddy’s Draft Drinking Butt would smell like Febreeze, compared to this.
In the tub, I scrubbed you until there was no more pickle-poo and indeed you emerged a smily, content little ‘turd.’ PUN INTENTED!
Thank you for creating some excitement in my day so I don’t have to go on wwwDOThot-and-sexy-men-from-CanadaDOTcom and have an affair on your smelly, long armed father with the defective bowel system.
Love,
Mama
September 29th, 2005 at 1:06 am
OMG Karen that was freakin’ HILARIOUS! I am so sorry I am laughing! I am sure it wasn’t fun but all us mom’s have been there!
May 17th, 2006 at 10:11 pm
[...] I worry how fast my kids are growing. Dylan has been smarter than me since birth, and Thomas is talking so much, it freaks me out every time he comes out with a new word, and now! Now! Now sentences!After pulling him out of the tub tonight, he wanted “Cute pips to keen Tonnas eawrs?”Tonight he pulled the same stunt he had pulled on my (kidless) kid brother the other night while Daren and I were at the hospital. We put him to bed, and an hour later, he is crying, “Mommy! Mommy!” I find the little monkey toad, soaked in urine, pajamas pulled down, and diaper half off. He has peed all over the crib. Again. Thankfully, less mess than another time. I scooped up the piss-ant, and change him, making sure to put his diaper on backwards. He takes this opportunity to chat me up like I’m a cashier, only, you know, wiping his butt:Thomas: “Nice outside?”Me: “No actually, it’s raining.” [...]
May 23rd, 2006 at 8:57 am
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May 28th, 2006 at 10:38 am
[...] I worry how fast my kids are growing. Dylan has been smarter than me since birth, and Thomas is talking so much, it freaks me out every time he comes out with a new word, and now! Now! Now sentences!After pulling him out of the tub tonight, he wanted “Cute pips to keen Tonnas eawrs?”Tonight he pulled the same stunt he had pulled on my (kidless) kid brother the other night while Daren and I were at the hospital. We put him to bed, and an hour later, he is crying, “Mommy! Mommy!” I find the little monkey toad, soaked in urine, pajamas pulled down, and diaper half off. He has peed all over the crib. Again. Thankfully, less mess than another time. [...]
May 28th, 2006 at 10:40 am
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July 10th, 2006 at 8:05 am
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July 25th, 2006 at 1:01 am
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July 9th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
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