Can my sinuses shrivel up to raisins NOW?
November 29, 2005
If this damn dog, with her damn anxiety issues, drops ONE MORE FUCKING VAPOUR BISCUIT while I’m on this computer THREE DAMN FEET from her hairy ass, I’m GOING TO THROW UP IN HER DAMN DOG DISH and call it Purina Gravy.
We switched her food a little while ago, but clearly she has started eating something that is not agreeing with her stomach, her colon, her butthole, and MY DAMN NOSE.
We stopped feeding her people food over a year ago, on the advice of a good friend. That stopped our PRECIOUS Ruffy from crapping on the hardwood EVERY MORNING. Lemme tell you, cold wet dog diarrhea squishing through your feet in the dark is NOT fun, whether you’re 8 and a half months pregnant or not.
So despite the adorable puppy dog eyes, the whimpering, the paws on my lap, there is NO WAY our 70 pound dog will EVER get people food again. So there is no way I will be treated to 70 pound dog shit pedicure at 5 a.m. ever again.
To get back at us for being so completely mean to her, for depriving her of bacon, steak, pork, chicken, and the occassional piece of cheese (which I still sneak to her about once a week but I’m a big lump of mush when it comes to my only daughter - however hairy she may be - and I can look past the fact that I’m the only woman in the house who can’t lick her own ass - it’s pretty easy), she has learned the subtle art of sleep-farting. She slides onto her fave spot on the couch, the corner of the sectional. She eventually falls into a deep slumber, and I swear she opens one eye to see when I get on this computer and lets those farts rip. Silently of course. She’s a lady. Course, she’s also a member of this family. Which automatically gives you the right to drop bombs, ” Whenever, wherever; We’ll learn to be together; I’ll be there and you’ll be near; And that’s the deal my dear. “
November 29th, 2005 at 11:04 pm
OMG you can’t lick your own ass? What is wrong with you? Mmmmmm vapour bisquits, yummmmmmmmmm.
November 30th, 2005 at 12:21 am
Poor Wittle Ruffy’s got the WINDS!
FART WARRIOR!!!!!!!
LOL
November 30th, 2005 at 12:18 pm
I just wanted to mention that I love Shakira! I hope I get both of her new CD’s for Christmas!