Christmas and Kiss My Ass Sound So Alike…
December 13, 2005
I’m not a fan of The Christmas. Not a fan of crowds, wrapping, bows and trees dying for the sake of it all. Not a fan of mean people in a hurry and my poor friends who are stressed out. We’ve lost sight of the true meaning of Kiss My Ass. But that is not what this post is about.
Before the Troll was born, I was trying desperately to be a newly Desperate Housewife, having given up a job where I made a pantload of money to stay home with Little D and say, fingerpaint. Or bake. Or do whatever the hell it is that housewives do. (I know NOW what we do ~ sit around, gabbing on the phone and eating bon bons….I’m aware people.)
Well the fingerpainting was fun while it lasted but Little D was getting to be A Little Bigger D, and Troll is not allowed to do anything fun or messy. Like EVER. He is being punished until he stops punishing me.**
Then there was the baking. Corn meal muffins were fit for street hockey. Foccachia bread was more like Whatthefoccichiaisthis Bread. Then, my friends, there was the recipe that called my name. I don’t remember the exact name of the cookies, but they had chocolate in them, and marachino cherries. Oh! The! Bliss! I was excited and got started on the grocery list to make these little gems.
Once home, I set out all the things I needed, measured carefully, did as the recipe said to do and lo and behold, the Nipple Cookies were born (click to enlarge):
I did not mean for this to happen. Big D was quite impresed with the Nipple Cookies (what man wouldn’t be?), but complained that the pink goo I had poured on them made them look too “Dr. Suess’ Horton Takes a Big Pink Poo On Your Chest Cookies.” No one ate them.
Have yourself a Merry Nipple Christmas…..let your heart be light….
**This isn’t true. Troll’s days consist of enriching and educational activities and I’m very happy to be his Mom. If you read this blog on a regular basis you wouldn’t need this clarification, but here it is, so put the phone down and don’t hit send on that hate mail. Thanks so much.
NOW! You can find the recipe right here.
December 13th, 2005 at 12:24 am
You been taking lessons at my house? LOL! Keep up the good…..errr, well, Merry Kiss My Ass. Psssst…..Superstore has cookies in boxes, however they may or may not have nipples on them.
December 13th, 2005 at 12:25 am
ROFL! Every man that happens across my blog looking for nipply nipple porn is going to go to the superstore website looking for boxes of nipples….excellent!
December 13th, 2005 at 12:33 am
OMG, I am laughing so hard right now! Not at your cookie results, but because I plan to bake cookies with my son next week. And, if I DARED try a new recipe, I am sure they’d turn out looking like turds or something else disgusting. But, maybe not as phallic as your did. HA! Thanks for the chuckle!
Ok, now go tell your husband to pop that cherry into his mouth and be quiet. (Cherry COOKIE THAT IS. Oh, that’s so sick…but I couldn’t resist! Mwah, hah, ha!)
December 13th, 2005 at 7:26 am
Oh the lovely nipple cookies!
ROFL!!!!!!!!!
You crack me up woman!
Laura
XO
December 13th, 2005 at 11:48 am
mmmmmmm nipples
December 13th, 2005 at 12:12 pm
Oh ha ha ha ha! I needed a laugh today. I hate Christmas too - HATE feeling obligated to buy people crappy picture frames and gift certficates they’ll never use just because I’m expected to. Bah freaking hum bug.
Also, the cookies? Hilarious.
December 13th, 2005 at 2:41 pm
ROTFLSHIPMP…
Happy Snot Snires to you too Giggle giggle
December 13th, 2005 at 2:58 pm
That’s hilarous, thanks for the laugh!!
December 13th, 2005 at 9:21 pm
Quite funny.
It’s always good to put up a clarification regardless, because there are always those idiot who need the explaining more than once, let alone the ignorant who is a first time visitor.
December 13th, 2005 at 11:05 pm
I’m a first timer and I got it and I thought it was hysterical. But what do I know, I think those cookies look good*.
*Disclaimer - I’m also one of those rare people who actually enjoy fruit cake. I’m told that because of this my taste in all things is suspect.
Merry Christmas!
December 14th, 2005 at 12:17 am
Ok…everybody who posted here and who’d like to hear more about nipples….should hop over to my blog! hahahaha!
The old lady in my post must have tried some of your cookies
December 14th, 2005 at 8:07 am
Nipple cookies….you may start a new Christmas tradition.
I had the same problem when starting to stay home with the pickle. I had worked for 20 something years, and I wondered, what do I do all day? Now I know….but the Functioning Adult still thinks I don’t do anything all day…..
December 14th, 2005 at 10:58 am
BWAHAHAHA those are great! Maybe you should try some time tested recipes..
http://fidgetsfixins.blogspot.com is my recipe blog - no nipplie cookies yet though
December 14th, 2005 at 11:38 am
The pic looks like Ghostbusters 3 happened in your kitchen. What is that pink sauce stuff? The remnants of a seventy foot tall Bazooka Joe?
December 15th, 2005 at 1:35 am
ok, I’ve heard of people doin’ some nasty-ass things to nipples but babe, it looks like you poured pepto-bismal all over them. That’s a new one for me… so all I have to say via paris hilton- That’s hot!
It’s the thought & wasted time that matters though right??
And welcome to mama-dom. I swear to God I’ve gained back the 20lbs I was just so proud of loosing due to sitting on me arse all morning (& late evening) in front of this cursed box.
I’m so a desperate housewife.. xcept for the whole wife thing.. men blow.
btw, love the new layout girlfriend is lookin’ faaabulous!!
December 15th, 2005 at 4:09 pm
WTH is the pink goo is that from the cherries ?
Those cookies would go great boxed up and sent with Elaines nipply Christmas card ( Seinfeld ref if you are not a fan)
May 7th, 2006 at 7:51 pm
[...] One of the conditions of my stay, is that I share my nippley goodness. In the form of cookies that is. My father-in-law reads this drivel and I’m pretty damn sure he heard enough about my chest when my babies were small. [...]
May 23rd, 2006 at 6:42 am
[...] I know nothing about scrapbooking, except that you’re supposed to use acid free paper.? Does that mean you have to use acid-free glue too?? I wouldn’t want to lose my precious recipe for nipple cookies, the Shitty Day story, or the Cure for Cankles, which, by the way, people are STILL coming here for that.? Seriously, stop eating, and gargle them in salt water people.? You heard it here first. [...]
December 10th, 2006 at 8:27 pm
[...] One of the conditions of my stay, is that I share my nippley goodness. In the form of cookies that is. My father-in-law reads this drivel and I’m pretty damn sure he heard enough about my chest when my babies were small. [...]