I’m not usually crafty but these were easy and fun! Here’s the instructions.
And here is where I got the idea from.
Thanks Leah Peah Pee Head!
Why is it, in 2005, we still have the ongoing problem of racism? I can’t believe this happened, and this is one woman who is standing up and saying ENOUGH!
This incident (follow the link to news story) infuriates me to no end. The fact that it happened is unacceptable, but what makes me even more mad is that NO ONE DID ANYTHING ABOUT IT. Not one person stood up and protested the ignorance that is racism. Not one! I don’t know about you, but 4,596 people ought to be ashamed of themselves right now. I can only wish I had been there.
Stop racism. The only way is to stand up and speak out. Speak UP!
We are heading out to a Christmas Open House where there will be Career People, People of Higher Social Status and Perfect Parents. The hosts are very good friends of ours, but I get scared around their friends because they all seem so put together and fan-fucking-tastic, drinking fancy wine out of fancy glasses while I hope there’s a beer I can drink without farting in public. I’m sure behind closed doors, some of these Perfect People yell at their kids, pick their noses and engage in weird habits I haven’t yet discovered. Not that I yell at my kids or pick my nose. Nope. Not me.
I would be lying if I didn’t say I was nervous. The eyebrows are plucked, the curling iron is heating up and my makeup has been applied to look “natural.” Ha. I always visulize something horrible happening like tripping on the way in and crashing to the floor, or forgetting someone’s name from the year before, or pissing myself, or the worst - looking like a stupid housewife. Yes, I do believe looking stupid is worse then pissing yourself, because at least if I piss myself they will laugh with me, not at me. I’m hoping to come up with some witty conversation, without sounding like a huge geek, or at least have everyone get drunk enough to think I’m fan-fucking-tastic too.
Did you know there are people out there who have no idea what a blog is? What the hell am I going to say when people ask, “So what have you been up to?”
I’ve tried the “I run a website” thing.
“About what?”
Blink.
Blink blink.
And I can’t go the route of, “Stay home with Troll Baby.” Last year I said that and the person I was talking to said, “Don’t you get bored?”
Well not at all. We fill our days with runs to my meth dealer and snorting laundry soap. Believe me, once you’ve smelled Gain, you’ll never go back to your old soap. You can sit there in a mountain of laundry and sniff for hours and hours. Oh the baby? He’s a big help. I smack a Swiffer pad on his ass and he does the floors. If he gets thirsty, he just drinks the dregs from the beer bottles in the kitchen. It’s all good.
Blink.
Blink blink.
Perhaps the drinking should start now. Yes, yes it should.
EDITED TO ADD: Note to self: when you think you look reallllllly good, don’t turn sideways and look at your big ass in the mirror. Confidence shattered, though slightly offset by Rickard’s Red Pale Ale.
(For those who don’t know about “I Talk 2 Much,” I asked for the review. I wanted an honest review and I got it.)
To get 4 out of 5 smacks was a shocker! Thanks ladies.
Ba da ba ba ba…….I’m lovin’ it.
This week my very bestest friend in the whole wide world rented my blog. I had to charge her 10 credits which I would totally have paid for her to be here. But only 10. Let’s not get crazy here. I like her, but any more then 10 credits and I’m expecting something. Especially since she made me take a dumb internet quiz that said I was 63% gay. (not safe for work)
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
Anyhoo, if you read nothing else, you have to read her story about her first job and conversations one and two with her young daughter, Maddy. Forgive her for the lack of paragraphing…I’m teaching this yummy mummy new tricks every day. And for future - bookmark her ass. She’s worth a click, if for nothing else but a good poop story.
Sassy…..keep writing. You are the shiznit.
The folks over at Shoutbox Hall of Fame have been kind enough to let me sit my ass down at their blog for the week, and put my dainty size 7 feet on their kick-ass MDF coffee table. That is wicked cool and I’m happy to be there.
One of the conditions of my stay, is that I share my nippley goodness. In the form of cookies that is. My father-in-law reads this drivel and I’m pretty damn sure he heard enough about my chest when my babies were small.
Alrighty folks…….here’s the long awaited recipe you have been longing for…
INGREDIENTS:
And most importantly:
PREPARATION:
In a large bowl, throw together flour, cocoa powder, salt, baking powder and soda, blending well; set aside.
Take a sip of your drink. And by sip, I mean guzzle at least half of it.
In a mixing bowl, beat together butter or margarine and sugar on low speed until fluffy. Add egg and vanilla; beat well. Showin’ how funky and strong is your fight;It doesn’t matter who’s wrong or right; Just beat it, beat it. OH. SORRY. You’re still here? Wow, okay.
DRINK HERE.
Gradually add dry ingredients to the creamed mixture; beat until smooth and well blended. I am a VERY impatient person and I think you should just throw it all in like I did.
DRINK HERE.
With hands (or feet, whichever you prefer), shape dough into 1-inch balls; place on ungreased baking sheet. Ladies, you may want to confirm on a ruler what an inch is, seeing as you think nine inches is about the size of this text box. Men, why the fuck are you baking these cookies? Riiiight…..Nipplely Nipple Cookies.
DRINK HERE.
Press down center of dough with thumb or any other stubby looking body part.
DRINK HERE.
Drain Maraschino cherries well, reserving juice. Juuuuuuice!
DRINK HERE.
Place a cherry in the center indention of each cookie. This is VERY important. Nipples don’t just grow off to the side you know. Unless you’re Tara Reid. (not safe for kids/work)
DIRNK HEAR.
In small sauced pan combine chocolate pieces and milf; heat over low heat until chocolate is mangled and runny. Stir in 1 tablespoon plus 1 teaspoon of the reserved cherry juice. Spoon about 1 teaspoon of the topping over each cherry, spreading to cover cherry. If frosting seems thicker than solid milk from a sippy cup left in the drawer under the t.v for the last few days, thin with a little more cherry juice. Ha ha I said cherry juice. Okay all of that sounded so Martha….you must really want nipples! Oh my God. DID YOU PASS OUT?
Bake at 350? for 10 minutes, or until done. Remove to wire rack to cool.
Makes 3 to 4 dozen nipples. Eat your nipples carefully and with tender loving care. Or ravage them. I really don’t give a shit. Nipples…….OUT.
THIS PAGE BEST VIEWED IN FIREFOX!
If you are using Explorer, I’m working on the wonkiness….just waiting for answers from experts.
Otherwise….
What do you think?
Be constructive. It’s the first time I’ve ever played in HTML and I know a couple of things are wonky, but I’m pretty happy for my first try!
This looks like crap in Explorer…any ideas? You know, besides getting everyone to download Firefox which is WAY BETTER!?
I’m not a fan of The Christmas. Not a fan of crowds, wrapping, bows and trees dying for the sake of it all. Not a fan of mean people in a hurry and my poor friends who are stressed out. We’ve lost sight of the true meaning of Kiss My Ass. But that is not what this post is about.
Before the Troll was born, I was trying desperately to be a newly Desperate Housewife, having given up a job where I made a pantload of money to stay home with Little D and say, fingerpaint. Or bake. Or do whatever the hell it is that housewives do. (I know NOW what we do ~ sit around, gabbing on the phone and eating bon bons….I’m aware people.)
Well the fingerpainting was fun while it lasted but Little D was getting to be A Little Bigger D, and Troll is not allowed to do anything fun or messy. Like EVER. He is being punished until he stops punishing me.**
Then there was the baking. Corn meal muffins were fit for street hockey. Foccachia bread was more like Whatthefoccichiaisthis Bread. Then, my friends, there was the recipe that called my name. I don’t remember the exact name of the cookies, but they had chocolate in them, and marachino cherries. Oh! The! Bliss! I was excited and got started on the grocery list to make these little gems.
Once home, I set out all the things I needed, measured carefully, did as the recipe said to do and lo and behold, the Nipple Cookies were born (click to enlarge):
I did not mean for this to happen. Big D was quite impresed with the Nipple Cookies (what man wouldn’t be?), but complained that the pink goo I had poured on them made them look too “Dr. Suess’ Horton Takes a Big Pink Poo On Your Chest Cookies.” No one ate them.
Have yourself a Merry Nipple Christmas…..let your heart be light….
**This isn’t true. Troll’s days consist of enriching and educational activities and I’m very happy to be his Mom. If you read this blog on a regular basis you wouldn’t need this clarification, but here it is, so put the phone down and don’t hit send on that hate mail. Thanks so much.
NOW! You can find the recipe right here.
Yo Dawgs. Dr. Diap T Here.
Never mind the innocent-looking wool sweater. I’m bad. For real.
My Mom is rocking and drooling in the corner while I write this. She got all up in my Kool-Aid so I totalled the livingroom, changed all her passwords to get online and I’m going to take over the internet. Yeah I took my brudder’s brand new Spiderman winter hat too. The dog licked mah hair into a mohawk and we’re headin’ out in my phatt ride. Fo shizzle ma weebles.
Anyway, I thought I’d post a pic of the aftermath, and strike a Sassy pose.
It’s gettin’ hissy-pissy in da hizzy! Yo dawgs, P to the izzo.
…..my bed…..what did you think? Duuurrrrty Birds!
It’s calling. Sorry I haven’t updated ALL weekend, but it was Little D’s HUGE MOTHER-EFFING BIRTHDAY EXTRAVAGANZA and I’m so tired I can barely see, much less tell you about it…….
I will be back super-duper soon with a wonderfully wonderful post about our silly, fun, busy, lovely, family-filled weekend that involves the spoilage of one very cute little boy (who has NO tact when it comes to complimenting his mother by the way - remind me to tell you THAT little jem), and all the shit behind the scenes that made for some very tired parents.
In the meantime, please visit Jeremy over there ———>
(where it says “Rent My Blog Here!”)
He rented my blog for the week on blind faith, and he has got some pretty cool stuff on his blog that I’m sure you will enjoy. Cheers!
Feed Yourself Sugarpants!
