misery loves…….bingo?
January 26, 2006
Last night we had to volunteer at a Bingo Hall for Dylan’s hockey team. We thought it would be kinda fun to get out together to do this and I needed the break from the monitor and the kids. I wish I had brought all of you with me. You would have laughed your asses off.Have you been to a bingo hall lately? The atmosphere is very interesting. Walking up to the bingo hall, we could smell the stink of wet cigarettes. Sure enough, there are 4 stand-alone ashtrays at the front door, overflowing and soaked from snow. We got to the front door and another smell hit us before we stepped in. Think dirty sweatsocks soaked in urine. The urine that you smell when someone has been eating a gassy vegetable, like broccoli, or asparagus. We rushed through the sets of double doors. I don’t know which was worse though. Inside the bingo hall, my eyes burned. I wasn’t the only one feeling it though, it was as if they were siphoning ammonia through the air vents. There was a tinny, burnt smell wafting through the place, which I later found out was the garlic bread maker. Aluminum garlic bread? Uh, okay.
We plunged back 50 years from 2006 to 1956. The signs were adorable and I wish I’d brought my camera. Ask Daren how much I drove him nuts, pointing to every sign, saying “I have that font!” There were only a few people sitting at the cafeteria-style tables, and the hall was huge. I had no idea what we were expected to do. Having been to bingo once, when I was about 17 (with my aunt who vouched that I was of age) , I couldn’t recall how it worked as far as the workers went. We searched out the head volunteer, who gave us aprons, money for change, and bingo cards to sell. The place filled up by 7 p.m. and the games began.
The first half of the night went fairly quickly. The Bingo caller was a gentle old man who’s voice was putting me to sleep even though I was walking around. It was fairly quiet, almost creepy-quiet. Crypt-like. I couldn’t help thinking some of these people would be dead soon. I’m morbid like that.
We sold cards to people, cleaned up their messes, despite alot of them being 2 feet from a garbage can. Nonetheless, we were having a pretty good time. Daren was flirting with this lady in a red sweater and she was eating him up like cherry cheesecake. She even said to him, “If my pocket were bigger, I’d stick you in my pocket and keep you forever.” Back off Grandma, he cooks, and he’s mine.
My boots were pinching the hell out of my flattened-from-pregnancy-thanks-very-much-Thomas feet, but I hobbled through. I was cleaning up garbage when a Bingo was yelled and I rushed over to yell out the card number to the caller. Next thing I know, three people have their hands up to buy cards. I work my way to each of them, and the last lady hisses at me, “You’re SUPPOSED to come to the people who have their hands up first.”
I was a little taken aback and said sorry to her. Then she asked me for the Super-Jackpot card and since everyone else had asked by colour, and everyone else had been buying the purple card, I handed her a purple card. She didn’t even look at me. She motioned to her stack of coins and I took the $3. One of my pet peeves is people who are too rude to pick up their money and hand it to you. You might as well throw it at my feet and tell me to pick it up - it’s degrading and don’t EVEN get me started.
I start to walk away and she hisses at me again: “You GAVE me the WRONG card.” I apologize again (why, I don’t know- I have a fever and I’m ready to slug this old bitch.) I ask her which card she wants, and she hisses once more, “JUST FORGET IT.”
“OOOOOOOKAY!” I practically yell and I walk off. People are staring. That’s the best comeback I could offer this grumpy bag lady. In hindsight I should have told her Karma will get her, but meh. Fevers are funny things. I hope she catches my germs, if nothing else. Two minutes later, she waves down another volunteer who is not selling cards and makes her walk all the way back to the kiosk to get her the right cards. Good Lord.
I later told the head volunteer about Grumpy Bag Lady, and she tells me we don’t have to take it. We are volunteers, and I could have told the lady off. Oh goody. Let’s have some fun, shall we?
About 15 minutes later, I’m heading towards Grumpy Bag Lady’s section, and she starts waving me down like I’m a 747. I’m talking high velocity waving, both arms flailing like she’s drowning, “where’s-her-glow-in-the-dark orange sticks and reflective vest?” kind of waving. Wanting to stick out my arms and go “VRRRRRROOOOOOMMMMM,” I get a little closer and she starts frantically pointing at a lady in a pink sweater. Pink Lady wants cards. Pink Lady is NOT having a stroke. I ask Pink Lady if she had been waiting long. She looks over at Grumpy Bag Lady and says under her breath, “No, she’s just an old bitch, don’t worry about her.” Ha! Pink Lady should run for Prime Minister - I’m loving her.
It seems Daren is a lucky man. Out of the dozen or so games that were played, the people who yelled “Bingo!” were within 10 feet of him, about 80% of the time. On intermission, we happened to be standing near the old lady who wanted to put him in her pocket when I point this crazy Bingo fact out. She beams up at him and exclaims, “You’re lucky!” to him. Without missing a beat, I say, “Yeah you’re lucky to have me,” and walked away to help someone else.
“Wow, she can be ugly,” she says, nervously laughing. My womanly superpowers swear she was batting her eyes at him. Don’t get your support hose wet, dollface.
We got to hightail it outta there a little early. Grumpy Bag Lady was sitting by the door, and as we walked by her, she looked up, and I stuck my tongue out at her. For the sweet love of Karma, I hope every sweater she knits for herself catches on something sharp.
November 8th, 2006 at 1:35 pm
[...] Yesterday Melissa posted about her volunteering experience at the polls, and how rude some of the people were.? How people treat complete strangers like that is beyond me, especially for such petty reasons like the ever-loving, uncontrollable uh, RAIN!? Anyway, in Melissa’s comments, I linked back to an old entry from when I volunteered at the Bingo Hall for Dylan’s hockey team.? It’s that time of year again and I’m looking for comebacks for the old bitties that take the game a little too seriously.? You know the type. [...]