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February 28, 2006 BlogPants

Blog Mad goes live to the public in March!

GET IN TODAY or you will have to wait for an invite!

According to BM admin:

From March 1 blogmad registrations will be closed and we will only be accepting registrations by invite only.

This is to allow us to potentially kill any major bugs after we launch until its flawless and launch some late ideas.

BlogMad users will given a few invites at a time and will only get a replenishment once theirs are used up and accepted.

Writing Back to Family Members in Mexico Who are Using the Internet Instead of Lying on a Beach. Addicts.

BlogPants

Hi So-and-so, So-and-so, So-and-so, and So-and-so,

Sounds like you are all having a great time - I got both emails although Daren hasn’t seen them yet I don’t think. Dylan’s first playoff game was 3-2 for the other team but I shot some video of our little man kicking some 7 year old ass. He was awesome! Yesterday was Tool Show and Tell day at school so Dylan took that plane that was Great Grandpa’s. When I told him who’s it was and how special it was, his face lit up and he was so proud.

Thomas is starting to say words and asking for stuff a little. Just yesterday he told me “I need a cigarette.” I’m not even kidding - it sounded EXACTLY like he said that. So we kicked back, him in his vibrating chair with three fingers of scotch and me with wine. It was a great afternoon - he plays a mean poker game.

Daren has been working a little overtime. It’s cold here - and he’s been up in the manlift every day, freezing his balls off. Yesterday was a little wamer though, since the outhouse was pumped out and I’m pretty sure the stench kept him all cozy ~ seeing as he takes a half hour dump here at home, and enjoys it so much, it must have felt comforting.

I’ll hug the kids for you if I can catch them ~ they are busy little people! Take care, have fun, drink lots and be safe!

Miss you, Love you, blah blah blah,

Karen and the Boys (even the big, bald, smelly one)

I’ll Take the Vibrating Chair for $500, Alex.

February 27, 2006 BlogPants

I dug out Thomas’ old vibrating baby seat that converts to a vibrating toddler rocker and he is loving it. It’s the longest he has ever sat still since he was a tiny sausage roll. He turns it on, sits in it and stays still! Add to the mix Dora, cookies (yes, for breakfast - I’m a cool Mommy) and a sippy cup full of milk and it’s like he’s in Toddler Paradise. Sweet!

Yesterday Dylan and I went to his little friend’s birthday party. The whole lot of us watched the movie Doogal. Wow. Talk about trying hard. The writers of this movie must have thought that saying things like “bling bling” and “pimp my boat” would bring all the kids to the yard. I’m sorry, but a kid’s movie that uses the word “pimp” and whose lead character looks like Jennifer Aniston and Joe Dirt mated? What the hell were the producers smoking? EDITED TO ADD: Snozzberries saw it too and wrote a funny open letter to Jon Stewart.

It was slow at first, and with all the lame jokes, try-hard verbage, and references to really good movies, made for bad film. Don’t waste your money. Not even to rent it. Not even to rent it and set it on fire.

The smell of dryer sheets and bleach are making me high. Sassy arrives on Thursday and if I bounce off the walls anymore, people are going to start calling the women’s shelters. I’m driving Daren nuts with little things I want done and the “poor guy” has switched back to four 10 hour days so he’s a wee bit tired. Suck it up, buttercup! Most of the stuff I need done require tools and he has the nerve to take them to work with him. Like, can’t he borrow someone else’s for this week? I need shit done!

My stomach has been a huge heavy ball of artichoke dip and crackers since last night. We filled up on popcorn at the movies so I skipped a real dinner and opted for this snack at 10 o’clock last night. Big mistake. I’ll spare you the details, but I wish this would just go away already. Garlicky, onion-y, and cheesey things are evil. Evil!

That’s all I got. If you’re bored, tell me what you think of me. Oh just do it and quit whining.

Sunday is the Funday

February 26, 2006 BlogPants

It’s 43 minutes into Sunday. I’m buried in work cuz I’m about to take a week off and I want to wrap up everything before I hang with Sassy who is flying 3000 miles to stay with me because she loves me ‘n’shit yo.

Okay, so I’m self-absorbed enough to have a blog in the first place, so you gotta go here and tell me what you think of me.

Miss Ann Thorpe the Magnificent did it and I’m so copying her because I can (and I’m bribing her with Aero Bars and Coffee Crisps to avoid being bitchslapped.) Why are you still reading this? Go. Go now.

Apparently my Papa likes my cousin Jessica MORE.

February 25, 2006 BlogPants

She got more outta him on IM than I did. I’m SO pouting. NO FAIR!

It’s comments like this that make things fly outta my nose.

February 24, 2006 BlogPants

From Christina at My Topography who is normally VERY articulate, mature, classy, crafty in so many ways….the most creative artsy-fartsy amazing blogger I know ….in regards to this post where you put your name in and get random definitions:

“okay so, i went there and put various versions of my name in, and then i started wondering if it was totally random–so i put a name in that i had already entered, and viola! it gave me a DIFFERENT definition. so just when i was feeling all smug that it was total random hoey, i entered ‘butt nuggets’ (DONT ASK, I HAVE NO IDEA HOW MY BRAIN CAME UP WITH THAT!) and this is what it said: “butt nuggets — [noun]: A person who falls into an outhouse and dies” I nearly died laughing. maybe it’s not so random after all. Karen–I have you to thank for making me act like I’m in 7th grade. I so heart you for all your silliness!”

I feel I am now one with Christina and her butt nuggets. She and I are forever linked by butt nuggets. Christina, you had me at Hello. Oh and what the hell is hoey? Do you mean HOOEY or are you calling me a bad bad name much like a gardening tool only nakeder? Just checking.

Do you ever do something so stupid, you want to punch yourself in the face?

BlogPants

Well it seems I *might* have. I bought this product from eBay:

I paid one cent. Yes you heard me right. One cent. Plus $12 of shipping. The feedback on the product was 100% and everyone who bought it was really happy, so I thought, why the hell not? Besides, it said this:

Look at all those exclamation marks! Amazing! Thin! Thin! Thin! Well not as thin as these two I hope. Yuck!

It arrived today. The bottle looked like it was made in someone’s home with their bubble jet printer. It makes me wonder if it is what it says it is. It’s sealed, of course, but so are many other things that aren’t really good for you, like Pop-Tarts and Disposible Toilet Bowl Scrubbers. I’m a wee bit nervous about this.

What they don’t tell you on the eBay auction is that you have to take TWENTY FOUR ounces of water with each pill. You take a pill 30 minutes before breakfast and 30 minutes before lunch. That is alot of water in one shot. I mean, I drink about 48-64 ounces of water per day any way, but all at once? Um, okay. Still, I have delusional fantasies about my weight loss, therefore I am blinded by the light. Wrapped up like a DUECE, baby.

So I’m reading the label to Sassy and we’re having a good laugh over it earlier today. Tonight I mention to her on the phone, that I will be starting my fake-pills diet tomorrow and she says, “Enjoy your one pill and two buckets of water!” Yeah, pretty soon I can have a body like this:

“How appropriate!” her enemies will exclaim.

February 22, 2006 BlogPants

However:

Take that, bitches.

20 Things

BlogPants

This weeks theme at Mama Says Om is 20 things.

Take a WILD guess at what my theme is.

1) Walking behind my car when I’m backing out, in a parking lot. Hmmmm….3000 pound car vs. man with no brain. Who will win?

2) Placing change on the counter for the cashier to pick up. How ignorant are you? A million years ago, when I was a cashier, I would hold out my hand and look away, like I didn’t notice the asshole had thrown his money on the counter. They ALWAYS picked it up and I was so gracious and over-kind about it, with a mumbled “fuckyouverymuch,” which sounds like “thankyouverymuch,” if you say it quick enough. *wink wink*

3) Jealousy. It makes people “U.G.L.Y. You ain’t got no alibi, you UGLY!”

4) The fact that our water meter is in the basement and the Hydro chick always rings the doorbell during Troll Baby nap times. I swear she is new, you know, to life. EVERY MONTH I SAY LEAVE THE CARD AND I WILL CALL IT IN AND EVERY MONTH YOU RING MY BELL, IGNITE THE BARKING, WAKE THE TROLL AND MAKE ME IRRITATED, WOMAN!

5) T.V that dipicts men as idiots. (You know this)

6) Cleaning the fish tank. (You know this too.)

7) Dirty snow. It’s just so….uh, dirty-looking. C’mon SPRING!!!!

A certain 7 year old’s innate ability to forget to flush the toilet. Every. single. time. It’s even better when he uses the laundry room toilet which runs and gets shuts off. He tells NO ONE and the offending log sits to soak. YUM. This is when Mommy reflects on how lucky she is.

9) Cobwebs. How do you exterminate those pesky cobs?

10) Girly things that have to be done, like plucking eyebrows, shaving legs and constant fucking mosturizing.

11) The fact that when I switched to Haloscan, I lost all my previous Blogger comments. *sniff*

12) The non-word, “HUH?” when “Pardon” would do just fine. (Sassy)

13) The price of ______ (insert staple here - milk, gas, Quaker Oatmeal Bars, tampons, etc)

14) The allotted decibel level of toys in Canada (it is significantly higher than most other countries). You have NO IDEA.

15) People who blog about the fact that they have nothing to blog about. That is like writing a letter to your Granny and telling her you have nothing to write about. If you really have absolutely nothing to write about, kindly fuck off. Like seriously, do not hit Publish Post. Not even a little bit.

16) Signatures on blogs, messages boards, etc. Especially ones like this:

Luke’s views are demonstrative of a mind clinging tenaciously to a frayed thread of reality. The slightest psychic bump could cause this thread to snap and mucho chaos to ensue.

- Jeffery Dahmer

Yes, *I* always thought serial killers made the best signatures. *shudder*

17) Abandonded blogs. They really should consider internet janitors who clean this shit up.

18) Exema. Any suggestion for this one people? My hands are on fire from October to April.

19) PeOplE wHo wrITe LiKE tHIs. Or they have all those symbols and shit and make it hard to read.

20) This.

Dear Thomas,

BlogPants

Your crib? Not so much a bumper car. Stop driving it into the walls and dresser!

Love,

Mom-MOE