ebb and flow….
February 18, 2006
My thoughts have been everywhere lately. I’m feeling overwhelmed again, much like when PPD took hold. It scares me and I want to get out of this funk. February does this to me every year. This year is no different, as February began, I braced myself, much like at the top of the tallest part of a roller coaster, gripping the handrail and listening to my heart pound.
I’m restless. I’m feeling creative but it’s constipated and I can’t get it out. Almost like choking. I have drawings in my head but I feel stifled by stupid software and technical crap I can’t wrap my head around.
Despite being happy, and grateful and appreciative in so many areas, my body is screaming for a break from the routine. I long for spring. For walks. For warmer air. For renewed love. Daren and I have been nattering at each other lately like a couple of old hens. I long for the end of the winter and the nattering and the tension.
I want to get through the next 12 days without going insane. In 12 days, Sassy arrives, with another great friend Nicole, and we will have such childish fun. I can’t wait for that. In the meantime, I look around at the things left to do, to prepare for and I worry about stupid things like dustballs and dog hair. Isn’t it funny, I never look at those tiny nuisances at other people’s homes, but obsess over them before the arrival of friends. I want to scream at myself: “THEY ARE HERE TO SEE YOU - NOT THE HOUSE!” but I can’t shake this feeling of having to be good enough. I’ve known these girls for 3 years….I met both of them online and met them in person several times (well Sassy once and Nicole at least 4-5 times since she lives closest.)
We will have pantloads of fun and an hour after they arrive I will forget the stupid house and just be. We will laugh hard, acting like 12 year olds, then diving into deeper subjects as we often do. We’ve leaned on each other several times over the last three years. True friendship is bliss.
On another note, the four of us leave Ruffy behind tomorrow for an overnight visit with other very good friends. Maybe I’ll feel refreshed on Sunday. Have a great weekend everyone. I will be up and down for the next 12 days, so bear with me.
