Go vote, bitches.

February 15, 2006 BlogPants

Weirdness

February 14, 2006 BlogPants

Do you know how freakin’ strange it is to see your 70 something year old grandfather sign into Messenger?

Lemme tell ya, it’s surreal. Wait ’till he finds out there’s nekkid girls on the internet. Wait ’till my Granny finds out. I can already see her pulling him outta his chair by his ear.

He’s going to drive her crazy. I can hear him now, “Shirley! Shirley! You gotta see this! There’s videos! There’s pictures of the kids! There’s so much to read!”

“I’m making dinner Jerry, can’t it wait?” She will be rolling her eyes.

“No! You have to come now! I may not be able to get back to this page. There’s SO MANY PAGES on the internet!”

She’ll trudge down to the computer and they’ll both be sucked into the internet until dinner starts to smolder…

Yes Virginia, there is a high-speed connection.

Like we need yet another reason to avoid fast food…

BlogPants

…reason #421 why I don’t like fast food.

Six Degrees of Separation

BlogPants

So all your Valentine’s are written out?

Yup. I made one for my teacher too. A special one.

Did you make a special one for Alexis?

Moooommmm….(rolling his eyes)

Well I thought you liked her.

You know what Mom?

What honey?

Brendon told me that she said she loves me.

How do you feel about that?

I love her too.

Well then shouldn’t you make her a special Valentine?

No.

Why not?

I don’t know.

Okay. (pause) So she loves you and you love her?

Yeah.

Is she your girlfriend?

Yeah.

Does she know that?

I haven’t told her yet.

Oh. Have you kissed her?

Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!! NO!!!!!! That is SO gross!

So what makes her your girlfriend?

Well I just hafta tell Brendon, and he will tell Greg and Greg will tell Natalie, and Natalie will tell Alexis.

It’s that simple eh?

Yeah. But she should probably know.

Yes Dylan, I suppose she should know.

16 Year Old Shiznit

February 13, 2006 BlogPants

Dead Dog Walking

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Next owner should have limitless supply of Goldfish crackers, hugs, kisses, snuggles on the couch, water and dog food. But ABSOLUTELY NO CARPET. Apparently this dog has a death wish. I let her out THREE times this morning. That’s twice more than usual. I just don’t get it.

I came out of the shower to a huge puddle on the brand new family room carpet. WTF? I am seriously considering giving this beast up for adoption. This isn’t the first time she’s done this. Just the first time in about six months. Is it the change in the house? Marking her territory?

I’ve so had it. Dylan will cry, Daren will protest, but I really do not need this. FOUR YEARS of cleaning up her messes. She was really good for about a year and a half, then one accident about a month ago and now this.

Sigh.

It Takes a Community to Raise a Child

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How involved are you with the kids in your neighbourhood? Does everyone pretty much keep to themselves or do people give each other’s kids shit when they are doing something wrong?

My friends and I have a kind of unwritten rule that we all have the right to say something when one of our kids is acting out (like smashing another kid over the head with a toy, throwing ice balls, whatever.) We all have the same(ish) parenting style, so it works. There are slight differences, like some of my friends believe it’s okay to spank their children, and Daren and I don’t. I am not questioning anyone elses parenting choices as I deserve the same respect. So this little arrangement works for my friends and our family.

What about kids I don’t know? Wellll…..I live in a neighbourhood that has a little “cross-section” of people, who for the most part, don’t give a shit about what their kids are up to. I’m sugar-coating here, and if you don’t get it. Take a second. I’ll wait.

I’ve given kids shit for littering, stealing, for destruction of property, and for bullying. Now don’t think I’m the crazy bitch on the corner yelling at all the kids going by. I’ve also ran outside with cold compresses, bandaids, juice boxes, and sadly, an ear just to listen when one little girl told me through tears about her stepdad breaking her mother’s finger. I’ve had my heart broken a few times with some of these kids. I worry for them.

The other night I watched as two underaged teens walked by my house with a case of beer. I smiled. I remembered being underage and walking to parties with beer several times. I did nothing about it. Yes, I know it’s illegal. I also know how much fun I had. Would you have done anything?

This should be interesting…

February 11, 2006 BlogPants

My grandparents just got a computer. I gave them the link to my blog. The last three out of four posts reference penises. That really not what’s it’s all about Papa and Granny, I swear!!

I’m 31 but all of a sudden I feel 15 again. Like when my Granny had gone out for the evening and I *thought* my Papa was asleep in the downstairs family room, so I snuck outside for a smoke. The patio door flew open a minute later and my Papa asked me, “What are you doing?”

“NOTHING!” I stood wide-eyed, as the cigarette smoke poured out of my mouth.

“Get in the house and don’t tell your grandmother,” he said calmly. We never spoke a word about it.

Fortunately, my grandparents are super duper cool. They raised me when I was an ungrateful, mouthy teenager, and turned me into a respectable, (a-little-less-mouthy) adult. I can talk to them about anything and I’ve always had an extra special place in my heart for the both of them.

Papa taught me how to burp a frog on a fish hook, so he would expel the gas in his belly and sink; how to take the head off a snake with a shovel, especially the buggers that were in my Granny’s rock garden at the cottage - she was terrified of them; how to make pancakes that are “so light they float away”; and most importantly, that a true man takes care of his family, and respects his wife. I don’t think I would have married Daren without this knowledge.

Granny taught me the delicate art of cross stitch; to iron a shirt so stiff it could walk; to make a bed, every morning, not just when company is coming, taking pride in what I did; to be creative in everything I do; to appreciate what I had; and to love unconditionally, despite the hand I’d been dealt.

I can’t thank them both enough for bringing up someone who is proud to stand on her own two feet. Thank you both for being the most amazing two people on the face of this earth.

I love you, Granny and Papa.

I LOVE SPAM!!!!!!!!

February 10, 2006 BlogPants

noname 2K Scanning for viruses…

“,”109551da99140e9f”] ] ); D(["ce"]); //–>studied disappoint yours my appearance black.

carefully across taught night. very suddenly benefit happened use fire.

off next drew anything letters fascinate?

end money pretty happened side did, mentioned wrong corner reply teach you? turning wanted back benefit profession respect?

different he is gym? wrong evening goes black edge find.

That’s a lot of questions.

Can the terrible twos start at 19 months?

BlogPants

Troll Baby just threw a hissy fit of monsterous proportions. We’re talking red-faced, throwing body to the floor, crying and screaming, flailing arms and legs, head spinning, teeth gashing, turning green and ripping his clothes off as his muscles grew and his knuckles got all hairy.

When he stopped spinning me over his head and I fell to the floor after being thrown against the wall, I promptly got up, gave him his crack cocaine (Read: Baby Einstein Video and Sippy Cup with Milk), and all is right with the world again. Whew.