Daddy’s Day Off
March 24, 2006 BlogPants
Troll Baby’s new favorite thing? Sitting on my lap, lurching forward and back and making bleching noises. Nice.
For the Love of MUTT
March 23, 2006 BlogPants
Four years ago, our only daughter was brought into this world by a purebred Keltie, and the sperm donor was a mutt black lab/german shepard/husky named Rocco.
Originally, we were just “going to look at a dog,” (read: I tricked Daren into seeing the litter because I desperately wanted a dog and I knew he would say no forever unless he met her himself, thereby falling in Love with a captial L.) We loaded her into our car within the hour, carting her off to a Pet Shop to buy her paraphernalia and calling friends for recommendations for a good vet.
Ruffy’s original name was Bear, and she was the biggest of the litter, with her Bear paws and german shepard ears bigger than her head flipping around like alien antennae. She charmed us instantly by nipping at then 3 year old Dylan’s shoes and Daren’s hands. I could see Daren falling in love with this other woman. We let Dylan name her and he choose Ruffy, because “dogs go Ruff.” Fair enough, kiddo! Doodle evolved as her middle name just because I kept calling her that, and I’ve had passersby do a double take when I call her sternly to stop rolling in dirt or taking off like freaking Lassie. Ruffy, your missions, they are all here at home, baby.
She is a placid, sweet young lady. I use those words carefully since she does this crotch licking number that would make any male dog blush. Her tongue is so long she could wrap it around her head. Thrice.
She is slightly neurotic, like most women, and needs constant reassurance that we love her unconditionally. We must. She took nearly 2 years to housebreak and still has accidents from time to time. She used to pee every time Daren got home from work, simply out of pure joy of his presence. I ripped up carpet while pregnant, and we spent hundreds of dollars redoing the underlying hardwood because of her. Oh the joy!
She has an innate ability to frustrate the shit outta me by lying in front of the stove while I cook dinner, stand in front of the highchair as I try to clean up Troll Baby, and walk back and forth in the yard no less than 64 times before deciding where to drop her butt and pee. She has this look she gives us if we show any affection, a look that says “it’s never going to be enough,” or “stop abusing me and give in to my desire for cheese.” Our cutlery drawer is enormous, packed to the brim with every cultery-ish type device known to man, and yet, she knows precisely when I’m pulling out the cheese grater. She also knows cheese packaging sounds within seconds of me opening the fridge.
Ruffy is also fiercely protective of the kids and I. The poor Gas Company Meter Reader Dude shakes in his boots every month as all that stands between him and her is a measly pane of patio door glass. She barks with such urgency and boldness, I wonder if she doesn’t have a split personality. For this, I am grateful, and I feel safe in her presence. It just blows when GCMRD shows up during Troll Baby’s very delicate, nobody breathe, rustle a paper, or blink, afternoon nap.
It saddens me that dogs don’t live nearly long enough. I know that when my boys are a few years older, Ruffy will pass and it will break their hearts. Silly of me to think of that now I guess, but the first four years have flown by so quickly, and I can see less puppy and more dog with each passing month, and I know the next four years will slip between my fingers just as fast.
So Happy Birthday Ruffy. I love you enough to walk in hail, rain, snow and sleet. I love you enough to grate a few bits of cheese but no more, because God knows, that 64 back and forths to poop need not get any higher. To the only daughter I’ll ever have, my Ruffy Doodle, my Furry Wonderkin, my Lovely Lady, this day is for you.
Last photo: credit to Dylan at Didgery Doo.
I CAN’T STOP FUCKING LAUGHING AT THIS
March 22, 2006 BlogPants
Oh dear God. Sassy cooked tonight. You have to read her post about this, and then come back. Go ahead, I’ll wait.
********************************************
Okay so after her poor family eats this stir-fry from HELL, her husband says, “Are you trying to kill me?”
“What?” Sassy replied.
“Are you trying to kill me?”
“What do you mean?”
“Don’t you know that you could have killed me with all that meat tenderizer?”
“What? Why?”
“Don’t you know that meat tenderizer softens your muscles?”
“REALLY? Oh my God!” She is panicking at this point.
“Yes, meat tenderizer softens your muscles. Did you ALSO know that the word ‘gullable’ is not in the dictionary?”
“What? Really?”
MUCH laughter erupts from Sassy’s teenage sons and husband.
Later, her hubby has to go see a customer about a quote and asks her to bring him about 6 Tums. He is DYING from heartburn. As we speak.
Dying, people. Sassy should NEVER EVER cook again. For the sake of her family. They don’t need anymore Raccoon Meatloaf either.
Also, do you know, she once called me to ask how to make Tuna Pasta Salad and I had to walk her through the steps on how to drain a can of fucking tuna? Yeah. I really did.
Opinions are like…..in demand
BlogPants
Did I tell you how beautiful you look today? Did I also tell you how much I value your opinion? Well as you might know, I’m a part of Blogher and a group of us bloggity goddesses are trying something new. In the process, we need some readership feedback.
So if you would be so kind, please click the little button over there at the top of my shmokin’ sidebar, and answer a few questions. You need not answer anything that you are uncomfortable answering, since ALL the questions are completely optional. It will only take a minute and the feedback we get will be very valuable. Thank you in advance!
tidbits
BlogPants
Boy it’s been a busy morning! Now that March Break is over, I decided to inject 5000 mL of Starbucks Frappacino Coffee Drink into my bloodstream and get started on some spring cleaning. Dylan’s room was a giant dust bunny, dotted with army men, Lego pieces and socks. I figured out the dryer isn’t actually the culprit for eating all our socks, it’s Dylan’s dust ruffle. Dust ruffle my ass - it hasn’t dusted a damn thing around here! Thomas happily played here in the rec room while Mommy turned into the Housewife Hurricane and cleaned all the bedrooms, stripping the beds and vaccuuming the mattresses. All this talk in the news had me inspecting the mattresses for dust mites, but alas, dust mites don’t live in my house, probably because our house is smack dab in the middle of The Neverending Winter. Forget the name Ontario, let’s just call it Narnia. All the while the windows were open to the frigid winter wind, but boy it felt good to have those puppies cracked open. Fresh air!
Thomas is coming out with more words on a daily basis, and I even got him to say “Hiiiiii Sassy,” on the phone to my beloved friend. Course my good-looking friend Karen’s name was too much for him and he swooned into the phone at her, “Hiiiii Hottie.” Yep, you pegged her, kiddo. She is my hottest friend. She knows it too. Just kidding, Karen! *wink wink*
Yesterday on Baby Einstien, there were little fish swimming across the screen, and Troll Baby exclaimed (as he always does) “Wassat?”
“Fish,” I replied.
“Shit,” he attempted.
Trying not to laugh, I said “Fffffffish,” obviously trying to enunciate the “F.”
He tried again. “Ffffffshit.”
Hey, I tried.
As all my Narnia friends begin to emerge from their own winter hibernation, the spring and summer weekends are quickly filling up with BBQ dates, cottaging and a trip to Calgary with Dylan, to see Sassy, Penny and Ang. This coming weekend we are having a BBQ with Jen and Chris and their kids. Jen is otherwise known as Hot Friend #2, or She Who May Be Able To Get Us Tickets to Dora The Explorer. Saaaa-Weet!
Daren’s lifelong best friend and his lovely wife (hot friend #3 - man I have alot of hot friends) just had their first baby on the weekend. Matthew was born Saturday night and since I said I wouldn’t call to see when we could come and see the little gaffer, I’m sitting on my hands in anticipation of the invite. And I can still type while I’m doing that, don’tcha know.
Well the laundry is calling me. I have to wash and dry Troll Baby’s binkie if I want him to nap at some point today. And I DO.
Have you started your spring cleaning?
The Rhyme Goes Straight to your Head.
March 21, 2006 BlogPants
All around the hardwood floors,
The Mommy chased the Weasel.
The Weasel thought ’twas all in fun.
Pop! Goes the Weasel.
A penny for a spool of thread,
A penny for a needle,
As if anything costs a penny anymore……who are we fooling here?
Pop! Goes the Weasel!
There was a little boy
Who had a little star
Right in the middle of his forehead;
And when he was good,
He was very, very good
But when he was bad he was horrid.
Jack be nimble,
Jack be quick,
Jack quit making out
with your candlestick!
(picture taken by Dylan at Didgery Doo.)
I have ten fingers
And they all belong to me,
I can make them do things-
Would you like to see?
I can shut them up tight
I can open them wide
I can put them together
I can make them all hide
I can make them jump high
I can make them jump low
I can fold them up quietly
Garlic Juice?
March 20, 2006 BlogPants
There’s a little ad in my sidebar for Garlic Juice. Duuuudddee! That sounds SO good! You know, for cooking, not for drinking….ha ha….me thinks I’m going to order some.
On an even stinkier note, Troll Baby woke up BAWLING. He was waist to toe in poop. NASTY. Especially nasty since Daddy made some amazing dinner last night that everyone devoured. I’m thinking Troll Baby is processing food like his father. TOXIC WASTE. Poor baby was very upset as I changed him, using 1267 wipes. (Note: Never buy President’s Choice Baby Wipes - they are akin to wet dryer sheets - USELESS). Poor little man was just so upset at how cold the wipes are (I thought it was the first day of spring for crying out loud), and he cried and cried, pulling his legs away from me, making it more difficult to clean him up. I finally get him all sparkly, and sit him up to put a little sweater over his pajama shirt, and he grabs his legs and says, “poop poop” in the smallest voice, between sobs. I’ve never heard something so cute in my entire life.
“Yes honey, poop all gone.”
“Gone!” he exclaimed, a smile beaming over his face.
“Now Mommy must hose herself down,” I said, beaming back at him.
“Hooooosssseeeerrrr.”
My Canadian friends will appreciate this:
In Memory of Eric
March 19, 2006 BlogPants
Eric W. Shaffer, 7/21/81-3/17/06
Eric passed away Friday night. Please join his wife Amanda by supporting Cancer research, supporting in any way you can. I donated money tonight, and I’ve added a badge in the sidebar. Get one. Give.
Rest in peace Eric. Your message was heard. Your life was so very important.
Amanda, may you find the strength and support you need.
Love, Karen
100 Things
BlogPants
1. I cry when I pluck my eyebrows.
2. Teenagers make me nervous.
3. I left home at 14.
4. I like the white cheddar powder I put on my popcorn, more than I like popcorn. In fact, I’m not sure I even like popcorn.
5. I stopped getting so many migraines and illnesses once I started seeing a chiropractor.
6. I love walking.
7. I reported my mother to Children’s Aid for abusing her boyfriend’s daughter.
8. We don’t speak anymore.
9. The daughter is fine and was removed from the home.
10. I don’t have any regrets about doing this.
11. I am terrified of earwigs, but my Papa taught me to chop the head off a snake with a shovel, and I have no problem doing that. We had to protect my Granny’s garden!
12. As a toddler, I used to unscrew the rungs of my crib and escape, when I was finished napping.
13. Before braces, the kids used to call me Bucky the Wonder Horse. Thanks, Michael G., you asshole.
14. Our dog makes me safe at night.
15. My worst fear is someone breaking in while we’re home.
16. I co-manage a Mom’s MSN group.
17. I support Perverted Justice.
18. My fave shows include Survivor, CSI, Law & Order, and Desperate Housewives.
19. As a child, my fave shows were Dukes of Hazzard, CHiPS, The A-Team and Casper the Friendly Ghost.
20. My oldest son had Kawasaki’s Disease at 3 months of age.
21. He still has anuerysms as a result.
22. My kids are my life and I love being a Stay-at-Home-Mom.
23. When they get older, I want to go back to school, then work for Children’s Aid.
24. After being through my childhood, it has always called to me, and likely always will.
25. I have a younger brother (same Mom as me), and a younger sister (same Dad as me).
26. I haven’t seen the sister since she was little.
27. My Dad is hiding from her to avoid paying child support. He did the same thing to me, and we don’t speak after I called him on it.
28. I sometimes think my parents shouldn’t have bothered having me.
29. I’m glad they did. Though I’m also glad I’m nothing like them.
30. I’m ashamed that my parents are such losers.
31. I’m trying to teach my boys about doing the right thing, all the time.
32. I had Post-partum depression after having Thomas.
33. Before I had PPD, I used to think it was in people’s heads. Now I know it’s real.
34. I love coffee and must have it every morning.
35. I hate tattoos.
36. I swear alot in real life. Lately I’ve had to be careful because Thomas is repeating everything. EVERYTHING.
37. I’m in true love with the internet.
38. I also am in true love with my husband, Daren.
39. I know it’s forever with us. No doubts, whatsoever.
40. My husband is my best friend.
41. I married him for the sex.
42. I later found out he was amazingly special and fell in love with him.
43. I fall in love with him over again, every day.
44. We are finished having children.
45. Daren changed careers about 2 years ago. The first year was the hardest, but we’re getting back on our feet now.
46. Daren plays hockey 3 nights a week; I like the quiet.
47. I work on the nights he is out.
48. This is my business.
49. I love my business and my customers are amazing and fun.
50. Dylan is named after my brother, and has Daren’s middle name.
51. Thomas is named after Daren’s very best friend, Daren’s father and Daren’s grandfather.
52. Daren’s best friend and his wife just had their first baby and he shares Daren’s middle name as well.
53. I am typically a happy person and my moods are steady now that I’m done with PPD and the drugs.
54. I really didn’t like the drugs they put me on. They made me gain 60 pounds. I’ve lost 22 of those pounds and I’m working on the rest.
55. Every Thursday night, we make baked nachos and watch Survivor.
56. I love salad, vegetables and fruits.
57. I don’t have a strong temper anymore.
58. I look great in hats, so people tell me, but I don’t own any except for a winter hat. Half the time I shove Daren’s hat on my head instead of looking for mine.
59. I have curly hair. It used to be straight but after I had the kids, it went curly. I love it.
60. I don’t like soda.
61. I’m Canadian, so I should be calling it pop.
62. These are some of my favorite blogs.
63. My blogroll is too long and there are some there out of obiligation.
64. I need to shorten it to the ones I actually read.
65. I bought my own domain about a month ago and I have no idea how to use it.
66. I’m only doing Blogger blogs at my business now because I don’t want to make anyone wait longer than I already have.
67. I like making up things to see if people will fall for it.
68. Daren and I met at work.
69. He told me there were cameras in the lights and that’s why we couldn’t kiss at work. (That wasn’t true, and no, I didn’t fall for it.)
70. We made out in the electrical room once.
71. We broke up 100 times before we decided this was forever.
72. I asked him to marry me. I got down on one knee, and had a ring and everything.
73. I go after what I want.
74. Daren is a huge procrastinator.
75. He probably still wouldn’t have asked to this day. Kidding.
76. I’m impatient, but not in a cranky way. Like in an excited way.
77. It’s taken me 3 days to get this far on this list.
78. I find myself thinking about my kids alot.
79. I would die for them.
80. I have planned out senarios in my head of how I would get them safe if someone did break in. I’m neurotic like that.
81. I have a wild imagination.
82. Dylan says to write that I’m a great Mom to him and Thomas. That brought tears to my eyes.
83. He also said I’m good at helping him with his homework.
84. I tutor my friend’s daughter in math.
85. I enjoy helping people.
86. I often stay in my jammies until Thomas goes for his afternoon nap.
87. I’m too paranoid to leave him alone while I shower.
88. I have exema on my hands.
89. I’m happy to be over 30.
90. I love cigarettes but I don’t want to be a smoker.
91. I struggle with it every day although I quit in October 2005.
92. I smoke when I drink.
93. I only drink every few weeks, if that.
94. I don’t like beer, nor do I like the taste of alcohol.
95. My in-laws are more like family to me than my own parents.
96. I feel blessed in every aspect of my life.
97. I am grateful that my adulthood is one million times better than my childhood was.
98. I hate when people blame their current problems on their childhood.
99. I do believe everyone has choices.
100. I have no regrets.
