I am Married to an Old Fart

April 28, 2006 family

This past week, Daren went to the Willie Nelson concert. With his Mother. And his Father. And his Uncle. And his 80-something year old Grandmother. Now I’m all for a family outing, but going to a Willie Nelson concert? I have to draw the line. It’s bad enough that Daren listens to talk-radio.

I was invited to go, but truthfully I don’t think I could have managed to go there without a bottle of shampoo, a scrub brush and a pair of scissors. Willie Nelson is a wonderful singer, but he really needs some help in terms of that hair.

Daren text messaged me from the concert, I’m assuming that it was during intermission:

“Willie kicks ass.”

“Willie smells like kife and needs a haircut.”

“Infidel!” he shot back.

“I love you even though you love Willie. Love is blind like that.”

“You’re damn right u luv me” What is he, 13? u luv me?

“You’re pretty mouthy. Does your Willie hurt or something?”

“Yes can u help me?” Geez with the “u.” It’s hard to find him attractive when all I can think about is that my teenage cousins type like that.

“Not tonight dear. There’s a red ribbon in the typewriter. Write the letter yourself. xo”

I heard nothing back so I’m assuming Willie started playing again, or I sufficiently grossed my husband out.

When he got home, I put his teeth in a glass on the nightstand with some Polident, and slathered prescription cream on his Psoriasis. Then we lay there in our Insta-matic double beds and talked about the neighbours until his excitement kicked in about tomorrow being garbage day. Course he fell asleep in the middle of his sentence, eventually snoring like a buffalo. So I had to clap off the lights and try and sleep through the noise.

And the laughter continues……

April 27, 2006 family

Broke Mac Mountain

(you need Quicktime)

I Need Depends

family

This made me laugh my ass off. Well, I wish.

Laundry Upsets Linus

family

I’m raising a Linus. Troll Baby has been toting around his Gangket for weeks and every few days I have to wash it, lest it become a hairy mess of dried raisins, dog hair and drool. He is currently pleading with the laundry room door, with cries of “Gangket! Gangket!” and no amount of explanation is appeasing him.

I’m considering Gangket Anonymous. I mean, he is working through the steps anyway:

1. “Admitted he were powerless over Gangket- that his life had become unmanageable.”

“Gangket in washer. Love Gangket.” Hugging Mommy in earnest. Very sad eyes. Tears and snot flowing.

2. “Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity”.

“Gangket love. Tonnus Gangket love.” Sitting in front of the laundry room door, in prayer position.

3. “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of Mommy as we understood her.”

Now in Mommy’s lap, trying to watch Baby Einstein. Now quiet, though every so often, small voice says, “Gangket.” Many sighs.

4. “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of himself.”

Very honestly, says, “No Gangket.” Inventory is still depleted of Gangket, as washer continues to spin the addiction in sudsy water.

5. “Admitted to God, to himself and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”

I don’t know about God, but currently cheating on Gangket with Teddy and another Gangket.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

The only defects are the ones getting washed away currently. Dog hair, dried raisins and drool being lifted from the fibres of Gangket as we speak. Sadly again, “Gangket.” Mommy’s heart is breaking along with Troll Baby’s.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

“He” really can’t do much about it. Mommy already removed Gangket. What more is there? Much sorrow. Now pleading for Daddy to get Gangket.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

No persons were harmed in the washing of Gangket. Unless you count the elbow to Mommy’s breast in the major upset of Gangket’s disappearance.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Direct amends will be made to Gangket upon exit from dryer. Mommy can go eat worms. She is mean and cruel.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

Gangket still missing. Mommy is the one who is wrong here. Gangket’s disappearance is her fault.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Praying for Gangket still not helping. Nor is laying on tummy on family room floor helping. But the cool tile feels nice. Gangket seems to be gone forever.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Gangket-o-holics, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

Don’t know any other Gangket-o-holics. Spiritual awakening will commence at the sound of dryer buzzer. Gangket shall be mine!

Neutered

April 26, 2006 family

“We need to get your follow up check done.”

“Well I need help with that. One morning this week, you can get up with me and help.”

“I am not getting up at 5 a.m. to help you with that.”

“C’mon. I had my nutsac cut open for you.”

“For me? And please. You had a 5 minute operation. Have you SEEN the size of your son’s heads? I went through a hell of a lot more than you. Nine months of pregnancy, labour and delivery, and 13 months collectively, of having a two pronged udder. Oh please.”

“Oh please, yourself.”

“That was my point. Please yourself. ”

Getting All Scrappy!

April 25, 2006 BlogPants

Here is a sampling of my first order from Mz Penny’s Creations. They are amazing, aren’t they? They were only $15 Canadian for 12 cards - personalization and shipping included! That is so much better than the store-bought cards and they are so beautiful too. I’ve already placed another order for 12 Thank You cards. If you want some, email Penny.

Wild…..

April 24, 2006 family

….Me Gorilla Man.

Me drag Wife ‘Round by Hair.

Me love Cheese.

Me have best friend who give you finger.

Me want you to stop taking picture of me.

Theme courtesy of Mama Says Om.

Comeback: Part One

BlogPants

I finished Part One of Comeback this weekend and WOW. This story is so powerful and heartbreaking. I find myself empathizing with both Claire, and her daughter Mia, one minute knowing the vulnerability of my own heart as a mother, and the next minute remembering what it was like at 15, loving and hating the authority of parents. We all knew everything at that age, right?

The writing in this book is easy to read, but the story is hard to take. The abuse Mia suffered at the hands of her father brought tears to my eyes several times. Some of you know of my volunteer work to fight the epidemic of pedophilia, and how passionate I am about it. I felt the sadness of both Mia and Claire as they revisited this time in their lives.

Some of the metaphors in this book are so beautifully written, I had to stop, read them again and just relish in the beauty of the writing. There aren’t so many that I was distracted, just enough that I was in awe of the talented writing.

I can’t wait to emmerse myself in Part Two is read, and I’m well into Part Three. It’s safe to say, I can’t put this book down.

Note: I am not being paid to review this book. These are indeed my true feelings on the book. In case you were wondering.

An Amazing Weekend Filled with Love, Happiness and Appreciation

Me, Unplugged

Thank you for your well wishes for Dylan. I called our chiropractor after the pain was continuing to bother Dylan, and he graciously came into his office to see us on Saturday. Dylan had 2 ribs slightly out of place and might have a pulled muscle between those ribs. Since he was adjusted, he hasn’t had the pain. Too bad the medical community doesn’t value chiropractic in this country. The chiropractor will follow up tomorrow night. I hope that this is what was causing the pain. It’s so much better to know, then to worry and worry and worry.

So we took off for a few hours yesterday to see Daren’s lifelong best friend, his wife and new baby. We had a blast with the kids, took a picture of a really strange sign, and laughed muchly.

As if Dylan’s situation wasn’t enough……

April 22, 2006 family

I took the car in for the summer maintenence package and now we have a $1200 bill. Fantastic. Our car is sick too.

Since bad things happen in threes, I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop here.

Many tears.