Intervention
May 18, 2006
Are you the type of person to intervene when you see a child being belittled, or hurt, by their caregiver, in public? Recently, at a store, I witnessed a mother pushing a toddler in a cart, at the grocery store. The little guy was about Troll Baby’s age, his hair soft and blond, his pink, fat little cheeks filling his face, his big eyes darting in all directions at the colours of all the packages on either side of him.
The toddler was saying “Crackers! Crackers!” over and over, and reaching behind him to grab whatever he could reach in the upper portion of the cart. Mom was busy in the cereal aisle, probably trying to find whatever was on sale, just like some of us do. She absentmindly pulled her son’s hand away from the loaf of bread he was mauling, and placed it on the cart handle between her own hands. After the senario repeated itself several times, she grabbed his hand, and slapped it 6 times - hard. “Will you just STOP already!” she hissed at him.
He held his own hand, looked at his mother in shock and fear and as his bottom lip began to quiver, my heart was in my throat as she continued, “I can’t take you ANYWHERE. Stop being such a pain in the ass!”
It took everything in me not to tackle her to the floor and give her a good talking to. She hadn’t seen me witnessing this play out. She hadn’t seen me until after it happened. When she did turn, I walked over to her.
I can understand the frustration of a mother, busy with errands, distracted by money-woes, and tired. We are so very tired, aren’t we? I could sympathize with her sudden outburst. I’ve been that close to the brink, many times. Amazing how these little guys can get on your nerves. As much as they can fill your heart with love, they also push buttons that no one else can. I tried hard to swallow my anger towards this woman, and smiled at her.
“It’s hard, when they are still learning about running errands, isn’t it?”
She looked at me, meekly. I could tell she felt bad about what had just transpired. “Yes. We’ve been trying to do too much today,” she offered, “I don’t normally…”
I stopped her. “Hey, we’ve all been there. It’s just so important to try and breathe. To stop. I know we can’t scream in our pillows at the grocery store, or walk away, but we can try to just stop and breathe. Hang in there. They aren’t this little forever.”
She smiled at me. I didn’t want to sound like one of those meddling mothers, hell I didn’t even have my kids with me. I think she understood that although she had done something very wrong, she wasn’t alone.
No one ever talks about the anger, and the shame that goes with it.
Have you ever been in this type of situation? What did you do?
May 18th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
I knew a woman in college who, if she saw this type of behavior, would go over and just whisper, “don’t hit children,” and walk away. I think I have stepped in and distracted a child right before a mother gets to the point of no return on a few occasions. That’s what I would rather do, diffuse the situation before it gets out of hand.
I have a two month old, so I haven’t really been pushed to this point yet, but I’m sure my time will come and I hope I handle it without resorting to something that would hurt.
May 18th, 2006 at 4:26 pm
I really commend how you dealt with that lady.
I don’t know if I would have the guts to intervene, I would be too afraid of saying the wrong thing and causing the wrong reaction. I’m not quite as tactful as I’d like to be.
As for my little one, I have always remembered my nan’s advice. When I find myself shouting over something stupid I take a deep breath and count to ten. It sounds so simple yet I find it works! By the time I reach ten I usually feel guilty at the fact I was ready to scream at him and am able to deal with the situation more calmly.
May 18th, 2006 at 4:27 pm
I once saw a mother spanking a child with a very heavy hand in a Wal-Mart parking lot. I did nothing, and I still feel bad about not intervening in some way.
May 18th, 2006 at 4:34 pm
I’ve been there more times than I’d like to admit. My hope is that the amount of love I have for my kid will cover the myriad of mistakes that I make.
May 18th, 2006 at 5:12 pm
You handled that so awesomely (is that a word??).
May 18th, 2006 at 6:20 pm
“they aren’t this little forever” is sooo the key phrase there.
How I wish daughter was still ‘that little’. So easy to take for granted once it’s gone.
I’m with you chick. Just today, I found myself shooting the evil eyes at a wench-Mommy in Walmart. I bit my tongue, but if looks could shrivel you up ….
May 18th, 2006 at 8:43 pm
I think you handled teh situation with grace and poise. Shit I could have used that reminder today when I was hollering at Mira in the Chamberlins bathroom. She was on the verge of peeing herself but did not want to sit on teh toilet b/c it was beige porcelin instead of white and she thought it was dirty - ARGHHH! Its in those moments that i try to mutter her diagnosis to myself in hopes of diffusing my anger and yet some days she still gets the best of me
May 18th, 2006 at 9:10 pm
Wow, what an awesome way to handle the situation.
I have only witnessed one thing at a store and it was more horrific than that. The woman snapped and smacked the holy crap out of her daughter (looked to be maybe 4 yrs. old) right in the face and head.
I wasn’t as graceful as you… when she saw me looking at her she gave me a dirty look and I said, “We can step outside and you can find out firsthand what that and far worse feels like, then I’ll be more than happy to call CPS and have you taken care of legally as well.”
She looked shocked and her mother came over to her and started chewing her out and took care of the little girl, so I basically followed her around the store for a while making her really nervous.
I would have rather taken her outside.
May 18th, 2006 at 9:58 pm
I’ve been in both situations. I think you handled it quite well. If I had been the mother, I think it would have been very nice to have someone help me calm down and vent to. Grocery shopping is the worst.
Had someone asked me to take it outside or suggested they will call CPS, I would have said, “Bring it on.”
I don’t abuse my kids. I don’t think spanking a child’s hand is abuse. I don’t agree with it. I don’t think it is a positive and productive way of parenting. But I have been guilty of it. And again, I don’t think it is abuse.
If we water down the word “abuse” to spanking or yelling or screaming, it will shuffle those children who really are being abused into an overwhelmingly large catagory where they could easily fall through the cracks. There are so many kids out there who are truly abused and it isn’t happening at the grocery store or anywhere else in public. This should be are focus.
But if calling CPS is the thing to do now, well, then I am I live where I do.
May 18th, 2006 at 10:18 pm
Em loves to tell this story from when we were dating:
We were standing in line at the local A&W when an irate guy marched up to the lady in front of us, hauling a little boy (about 4-5, apparently her son) behind him. He then commensed to yell at her because her son had been calling him names (like poop-head), and how she was obviously a horrible person, and so forth.
The woman was totally pole-axed, and her son was terrified, and into this scene erupted yours truly:
“What’s the matter with you?!”
The guy, caught totally off guard, took a step back and sized me up. “He came up to us and told me and my girlfriend that we were…”
“I don’t care if he said that you were romantically involved with Satan, you don’t treat a CHILD like this!”
The guy’s group, aware that this was not going to end in his favor, got up and started heading towards the door. He noticed they were leaving him, and began his retreat while I continued.
“How old are you?! Are you an adult?! You have no business feeling this threatened by a child!”
By this time, he had reached the door, and with 2 words offered me a sexual tryst as he made his escape.
Thirty seconds later, he sheepishly snuck back in to get the purse his girlfriend had left in her haste to get away from him.
And now you know.
May 18th, 2006 at 10:18 pm
Forgot to close a tag. Sorry.
May 18th, 2006 at 11:46 pm
Thanks for your opinions, everyone.
I didn’t want the wrong reaction. I didn’t know who I was dealing with, really. So I took a chance. I suppose it could have ended badly, probably with a yelling match and the poor kid getting the brunt of anger later. But I had a feeling, this Mom was alot like most of us, and not abusive. I don’t agree with hitting of any kind, not for a dog, a child, anyone.
About 5 years ago, I was walking to the store and witnessed a car skidding into an empty parking lot. A woman got out of the car and opened the door to the backseat, screaming at the top of her lungs and beating her child repeatedly. It made my stomach sick. I had Dylan in his umbrella stroller at the time and felt that if I had intervened, I might have put myself in danger. I think about that child, likely terrified in the backseat, to this day.
Charred, I love your story. Some days, I wish I could pee standing up so I could take on these situations I am so passionate about. Course my hubby says he married me because I have balls. There are a few stories I should share with ya.
Amy - great story. I hope more people stand up in situations like this. Good for you.
What a great discussion! Keep it coming. You guys rock!
May 19th, 2006 at 9:25 am
I was at a late movie with a girlfriend. It was like midnight when it finished. “The Longest Yard” was playing and we stayed to see the credits. A mother and her two young kids got off the first row. I said to my friend, “Hey, she’s got her kids with her.” And I looked in her general direction. She screamed across the movie theater, “Take a picture, it’ll last longer”. I don’t remember what I said, but she didn’t hear it anyway. In the parking lot, I couldn’t resist, she was walking her kids across, and I said, “See ya”…she called me a female dog. I think her conscience was bothering her.
May 19th, 2006 at 9:53 am
Oh My God Woman, you are brave.
That was SO the right thing to do, it’s just that I think I would lack the courage to do it.
I hope she realized how BAD she looked, and I hope that you made her think. The best paret is, you did it without chaming her, which is exponentially more effective. Good Job. You are my hero for the day.
May 19th, 2006 at 10:47 am
I haven’t actually found myself in that situation yet and I hope I never do. I hate to see anyone being mean to a child, even an annoying one, and I probably wouldn’t have handled it as beautifully as you did. Brava!
May 19th, 2006 at 1:11 pm
That was totally cool what you did Karen. I liked the way you handled it. Maybe next time the woman will remember you words when she feels like she is about to fly off the handle.
May 19th, 2006 at 2:43 pm
You responded in exactly the right way, I think. You let her know that she’d been observed, which would make her think twice the next time, but instead of condemnation, you offered compassion, which probably just melted all the hardness right out of her heart, and made her all the more receptive to your message, which was, “be patient, he’s just a small person.”
I will remember your example the next time I’m in a similar situation. What I have to be careful of is having my three-year-old daughter loudly pointing out the “naughty” behavior of other children in public!
May 19th, 2006 at 3:16 pm
I think you did a very sweet and sincere act. I am sure that the mother will remember your kind words for a very long time.
I wish I could say that I have never reached that point. As you say, we have all been to the breaking point or will be at some time. I will think of your words in the grocery store the next time I find myself at my wits end.
I love my children more than life itself and I hope that when they are adults with families of their own that they will love me through all the mistakes I have made.
May 19th, 2006 at 3:47 pm
Karen: This post made my CRY.
I am sitting at my desk, cccrrrrrrrryyyyyyyyyiiiinnnnnggggggg.
I think that what you did was perfect. You let her know she wasn’t alone. You didn’t speak condescendingly to her. You didn’t chastize her. You empathized with her.
And I bet, I BET, that the next time, she’ll stop, breathe, and remember you.
May 19th, 2006 at 6:17 pm
That’s really beautiful! I also commend your perfect handling of that situation!
I’ve done that successfully sometimes, or distracted the kid to defuse an obviously explosive situation.
But I’ve also just flat out told someone before, a stranger, in public, in extreme situations… “It is not right to treat your child that way, and here is why…” Knowing that it could mean the kid gets punished for it later, but on the other hand, the kid would also hear that some adults think it is wrong.
The way you describe is ideal and we should all aim for it if we can…
May 19th, 2006 at 6:28 pm
There is a grandma at my school who is constantly screaming at her kids (she has custody of them - a girl in grade 4 and a boy in grade 1 - because mom is a prostitute and a crack addict. No joke.) She belittles them, particularly the girl, in front of other kdis, in front of the class, etc. The girl is the sweetest little thing you’ve ever seen, but has such a low opinion of herself. It breaks my heart to see it.
One day I was walking down the hall beside them and I decided to give the girl a compliment - she gets so few. She had her hair done in a new way, so I told her that it was really beautiful, it was so long and pretty. Grandma snapped back, “Ach, I wish she would cut it, but she won’t let me. It looks so ratty.”
I just wanted to SCREAM at her: would you let this dear child have ONE compliment, PLEEEASE?
I can take lessons in dealing with parents like that from the way you handled this situation. You definitely responded with grace.
May 20th, 2006 at 1:19 am
You handled it well, very well. I witnessed a woman beating her child in the backseat of her car, many years ago. Like you, I had my kids with me (Sean & Matt and both were very young) and I was afraid she’d go postal on us, so I didn’t approach her. She looked manic. I too felt sick to my stomache. I will never forget her arm going back and forth pounding on her kid. It still makes me feel ashamed that I didn’t do anything.
May 20th, 2006 at 1:51 am
Karen,
You’re good people.
(A (female) friend of mine claims that it’s possible for a woman to pee standing up. She says that it took her a bit of practice to master the procedure, and that she’s been confronted in public restrooms by women who are convinced she’s actually a guy because she didn’t sit down to go, but she finds it so convenient to pee standing up that it’s worth it.
May 20th, 2006 at 9:01 am
I don’t always agree with everything you say on your blog but I always have immense respect for you courage to say it. So many people would have ducked their heads, walked away and thought horrible thoughts about that mother. With waht you said, you gave a minute to breathe, think, and hopefully, change the course of her day. YOU ROCK!!!! I hope that I am as brave and WISE next time I see something like that. When you see someone else being “wrong” it takes a lot to remember that none of us are perfect. We just need somebody in our corner every now and again!
Thanks!!!
May 20th, 2006 at 12:13 pm
I’ve never intervened, but, wow, You Go Girl! That was a really wonderful way to handle it. Made you feel good for speaking up and no doubt helped the woman re-consider next time she feels like beating her child.
I was once frazzled in the grocery store and getting mildly annoyed with my children when a grandmotherly-type came up and cooed at my daughter and gushed about how cute she was and how the grow up so fast. It really made me take a breath and realize that, damn, it’s just groceries. Open the damn cookies and give them some. Play “choo-choo” with the cart and race around the store. Chill out.
May 21st, 2006 at 5:40 pm
You handled it so well. Because I truly think that if she was brazen enough to do that in public, there’s a chance she does even worse at home.