Sense I Make None
May 24, 2006
I quit smoking on Sunday. Again. Yes, I know I failed here and here, but I really don’t want to smell like crap, dole out $10 a pack, feel like I’m 50, or have my husband and son nag me anymore. So this is it.
I’m also sporting a highly fashionable fever, and a sore throat. Hooray! My head is throbbing, and my legs are hating me right now because of all the dancing I did this past weekend. You should see how great a dancer I am! Drunk dancing is SO much easier! I’m paying though. 3 frigging days later.
On top of all this bodily goodness, I’m hot one minute and freezing the next. It makes for an interesting day. I’m incredibly bitchy (really, who wouldn’t be), and I’m trying my best to wade through the 16 customers I have on the go and churn out good stuff. When you quit smoking, your focus turns into that of a toddler, so Thomas really should be doing this crap for me - I’m sure he would do a better job. Having said that, him and I are getting along quite nicely. You should have seen Blue’s Clues yesterday - dude, you think American Idol is good?
Hey - speaking of American Idol, what’s the attraction? I mean really. It’s so BORING. You know what is more boring - reading about it on every other blog. The only good things about that show are the first few episodes where everyone sucks, and Paula Abduls drug-induced antics. I mean, c’mon. Then I read all about how every blogger out there wanted Elliot to win, and before that there was a scandal about Chris’ votes and how they went to Katherine. You know how I know their names? From blogs! That’s how many people are blogging about this crap show. Told you I was bitchy.
One question though - how old is the grey haired guy? Is he even allowed to be there? He so does not look like an American Idol type. I’m going to get flamed for this: I hope Katherine wins.
Oh untie your panties - I don’t even watch the show. What do I know?
My writing sucks today. I’m so foggy and in pain, and it just sucks. Meh. I don’t care.
I have to tell you some shit Thomas said before I forget though. He is really talking these days - little sentences with that voice of strawberry sweetness. God I love that kid. And to think, only about 18 months ago, I was wishing I’d never had him. Post-partum depression does weird shit to your brain. I was Miss Anti-social back then, not wanting to talk to anybody. I’ve had to mend some fences with friends, trying to explain what I was going through. It isn’t easy to admit you were ill, to say to people, “I didn’t want to spend any time with anyone, because everyone made me feel inferior, fat, stupid, crazy and as though I was a burden.” You say that shit out loud and people think you’re still crazy. But that is how I felt at the time, and it consumed me. I cried everyday, about Daren working so hard, I felt as though I would be better off dead, so he wouldn’t have to support me. Uh yeah, then who would take care of the kids, dumbass? Post-partum depression makes your mind play nasty tricks on you.
Recently, Dylan got an invite to a birthday party from a child who’s mother I ignored during my rough patch. I didn’t return her calls for months and when I ran into her at the school, I acted as though I was really busy and hadn’t had time for her. What a bitch I was! Anyway, when Dylan got this invite, I thought about how I must have made her feel and I called her up and asked if she had a few minutes to talk. I explained what had really happened and I apologized. Turns out, she too, had gone through PPD, and we talked for a good half hour about it. I’m glad I bit the bullet and called.
I’ve talked about the anger of PPD before, but I don’t think I’ve mentioned the shame. The shame lasts far longer than the disorder, as you try to rebuild relationships that were damaged by the storm. Good relationships, like old sheds, that have weathered every other storm, they get shut up and forgotten in the yard, as you seemingly stay safe and secure in your own house of pain, never to venture into the yard for irrational fears keep you inside. Then one day the sun comes out. You realize that in that shed, therein lie the tools you’ve needed all along. Friends to relate to. Friends that will tell you the truth, propping you up when you need it. Friends who listen.
Sorry this post is all over the place. So are the contents of my mind. Oh what I was going to tell you about Thomas? I already forgot.
P.S. Stephanie A of Pickleness, you win the copy of Comeback! I’ll be in touch for your address. Congratulations!
May 24th, 2006 at 10:02 am
Good work on quitting the cancer sticks! PPD is a bear, most people dont get it. But people dont get mental illness in general. They know it can happen but act like you’re faking it when it does. I;m glad you bit teh bullet with your friend and hope your relationship can now rebound
May 24th, 2006 at 10:14 am
First of all…you may not want to read my blog today..there’s some American Idol content! LOL! I tell you what, my mom watched the first and second seasons and I thought she was so stupid for it….but unfortunatly I am now a total addict. I dont know what it is…you’d think it was boring, but somehow it’s really not. See what addiction does to you!? Anyway…Taylor is 29..the cutoff is 28 at audition time. He’s going to win..he’s really good and the audience loves him. I never wanted Elliot to win…I think I’ve referred to him as Teen Wolf on my blog…and Chris was robbed…but now has been offered to be the lead singer for Fuel..so I guess that’s okay. LOL!! See you’re sick of reading about AI on other blogs, now you get to read about it on your own. Please dont hunt me down..I know you’re not in the best state of mind since you’ve quit smoking. I’ve tried and failed twice..I know where you’re coming from!
May 24th, 2006 at 10:42 am
I have a 10 month old son I also suffered from PPD. I know all about the shame that you speak of. It’s so hard to talk to people while you are going through it, I had huge fear that if i talked to anyone someone would come and take my son away. I looked at my son now and feel guilty for thinking the “bad thoughts”. It is something I will carry with me forever. But I asked for help, and told people about the “bad thoughts”, no one took my son away, and I am on my way to recovery.
May 24th, 2006 at 10:54 am
Thanks Fidget - I’m happy about it too….both the cigarettes and the friendship thing.
Jen - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr………
Sarantium - I felt the exact saem way at first. I wouldn’t even tell my husband. I finally broke down and told him on the way to the doctor. I couldn’t stop crying. Thank goodness you are on your way to recovery! Thanks for stopping by!
May 24th, 2006 at 11:34 am
I didn’t really get PPD after daughter, but I definitely wasn’t myself. Me, only weird and quiet.
I remember driving in the car about four months later and actually realizing that I felt like ‘myself’. It was a weird feeling.
Congrats on quitting. Let me know your secrets if it works. I such the addict with the smokes.
May 24th, 2006 at 12:17 pm
Thank You!!!
See, Karen You and I think alike.
I like that.
I agree with you on the whole AI thing.. haha wait a minute- AI also means Artificial Intellegence (remember that stupid movie?) Coincidence? I think not.
I do not watch the show. I saw a commercial the other day for it and I think the chicks gonna win because she’s pretty. I don’t know what either sounds like but America likes pretty people. We’re a culture obsessed with it and you can market her face. So.. yeah.. greyhair guy will probably get a contract and go further but she’ll win based on me viewing a 30 second commercial and that brilliant observation above.
Yay on the quitting. Everyone loves a quitter!!
And (big hugs) to you on talking about the other parts of PPD that come into play after the meds. The shame of depression is a tough one but like you said thank god for the tools we have- our support, our friends.
xx
~Mel
May 24th, 2006 at 12:37 pm
I don’t know much about PPD. I was lucky not to suffer from it. I strongly agree though that people should be much more understanding, and aware! (When I was pregnant first time round I read a little about it and spoke to my husband about the possibility of PPD affecting me/us). At the end of the day, how would these people who ‘don’t get it’ feel if the shoe was on the other foot?
Congrats for quitting smoking btw!
I quit when I found out I was pregnant nearly 6 months ago and feel soo much better for it. (I just hope I stick to it afterwards, I slipped back into the nasty habbit far too easily after my first son was born.)
May 24th, 2006 at 5:31 pm
Good for you quitting. I have done it twice and it was so difficult. But prevail! Once it is done you can say by to that particular monkey on your back….I found that a great incentive was to have a jar were I would put all my smokes money, and then buy myself something at the end of say 3 months….
Bon Chance! Anne
May 24th, 2006 at 5:59 pm
Awww. I quit January 26th. It was fucking hard but it is SO much easier now. SO MUCH EASIER. It’ll be rough going for awhile but if you stay strong and have it in your head that going out and buying a pack is out of the question, you should be fine. Also, I found about.com’s quitting smoking message boards was a BIG help. http://www.quitsmokingonline.com/ was really helpful too. You should just read through it.