Perfection Ain’t Perfect
May 25, 2006
Before I had children, I had an idea of what kind of mother I wanted to be. I had a mental list of what things would be like. I would be a WONDERFUL mother. One who is involved, one who spends time with her kids, doing elaborate crafts and enriching activities, and one who cooks 3 nutritious meals a day, one who keeps the house clean all the time, one who sews Halloween costumes, volunteers at the school, one who puts out nightly for her loving husband (whom she dotes on,) one who has a rewarding career outside the home, and generally does it all. It was really what I wanted.
You can stop laughing now.
Clearly, that mental list isn’t ideal, and CLEARLY these thoughts were before I had children. I was 24 when I had Dylan. For the first year of his life, I was tired, the house was a mess, Daren rarely got a home-cooked meal unless he cooked it, and my career was over. Oh wait, I was only a Customer Service Manager for a big box store. I didn’t really care about that.
I have to give myself a little credit though. Dylan was well fed, and I spent every waking minute taking care of him, from his belly to his mind. I loved being a stay-at-home Mom. It was really what I wanted.
Once Dylan was 10 months old, I had to go back to work. If there is one thing about me, it’s that I don’t do things half assed. I worked my way up at a few different print firms, until I landed at a huge corporation, making huge bucks, and working huge hours, resulting in huge time missed with Dylan and Daren. The career part was the best though. It was really what I wanted.
Another thing about me is once I dive head first, I keep swimming deeper and deeper, until I begin to drown and I float to the top, not able to breathe. I quit my stressful job and traded the long hours at work for trips to the park and Playdoh. Daren and I decided I would stay home with Dylan, while we tried to conceive another child. Sweet. It’s really what I wanted.
I looked at these cheese-deli articles in parenting magazines about things you could be doing with your kids, these nutsy activities like sewing new siding on the house using recycled cracker boxes, making birthday cakes with Teddy Grahams diving into Jello swimming pools in the middle, and for a long while, I felt inadequate. I’ve never really done this stay-at-home thing before, like full throttle. My clients and co-workers at my old job were old enough to wipe their own butts and faces. So while I got to know this stay-at-home gig, I felt very stupid and inept. Other mothers could multi-task things like decopage, nursing and dishes at once! Some mothers had twins! Triplets even! How in the world would I fit in where these mothers have it so together, so perfectly, and they all know each other so well? How could I possibly measure up when my knowledge consisted of profit margins and toner consumption?
When Thomas was born, I had this crazy notion that I knew what I was doing. I had done this before, after all. I knew how to nurse, how change a diaper, how to soothe ANY baby. Well he came out of the womb, stood on my flabby belly, and smacked upside the head, “YOU HAVE NO CLUE, WOMAN!”
Things got worse. Though I was starting to get a handle on domestication of the Canadian Family Unit, Troll Baby had brought with him a slew of demands that drove me into Post Partum Depression.
When I confided in one of the housewife friends, (who I had become very close to), she laughed. Laughed! I was shocked that she simply laughed, when I felt so much shame and emotional pain. Then she explained: “So-and-so is on Paxil. I’m on Effexor. You know so-and-so? Well she is on 3 different drugs. Oh and so-and-so on such-and-such street? On drugs. Everyone is on drugs!”
I was dumbfounded. I had been playing this stupid facade of a housewife game with these bitches for how long? WITHOUT DRUGS? So not fair. I’m telling!
That day I learned, that not only was half my community in an altered state, but that none of them are perfect. None of them are able to play the part all the time. Their houses get messy, their meals aren’t always chock-full of beta-carotine, their kids often zone out in front of the tube. They eat popcorn for dinner, skipping the salad they claim is their secret to a tiny waist. They certainly don’t put out every night, and a blow-job is often referred to as “His annual checkup.”
None of those bitches are perfect. And this bitch isn’t perfect either.
I am still a stay-at-home Mom. I have finally found myself again, dating my husband, working from home, and I have to say, this is really what I want. Really really.
As for the house being clean, the meals being gourmet, the enriching activities and elaborate crafts, I’m still laughing at that mental list. Sure I spend time with the kids. We play the fart game, jump on the beds, and see who can blech the alphabet the longest. We colour, we read, we play Lego’s, we skateboard, play hockey, soccer and the go-to-bed-now-or-I-will-strangle-you-game. The laundry sits folded (or not,) in baskets. There’s dust and dog hair in the corners. There are fingerprints on every glass surface of this house. There is love in every nook and cranny of this home too. I’m more mental then my mental list. But you know what? I AM a WONDERFUL mother. Just not the one I thought I would be.
May 25th, 2006 at 10:46 pm
From what I’ve read, you are a great mother. It’s such a laugh to hear new parents or people without kids talk about how they have it all together and how they will do it all so perfectly. Oh the days, when you can live in that perfection and denial! It’s so nice you’ve figured out what you really want, and that you get to do it.
May 25th, 2006 at 11:15 pm
I recently finished reading Caitling Flanagan’s book, which is all about embracing our inner housewives. And the whole thing made me tired. I adore my children, and I feel fortunate to be able to stay home with them, but my inner housewife must be on a permanent bender because she’s useless to me. Before I had kids, I just KNEW I was going to be the mom who ALWAYS had all the ingredients for chocolate chip cookies just waiting around. In six years as a stay home mom, I have never once made cookies from scratch. As it turns out, I’m not THAT mom. But my sons are thriving and my marriage is still in great shape, so I don’t know that it matters (unless you’re Caitlin Flanagan, in which case I am a HUGE failure).
I think the thing we all learn after the baby arrives is that NO ONE is “that” mom. And I worry, sometimes, that too many women are struggling to BE that mom, instead of being the mom they really are–the really wonderful, engaged, loving mom you describe here.
I hope, when my sons are grown, that they remember all the things I did with them and for them, and not that I never managed to make cookies from scratch on the spur of the moment. I think they will.
May 25th, 2006 at 11:16 pm
And thank God for that.
If we were the Mom’s we aspired to be, I’m sure our kids would be in therapy and writing books by the age of 13.
Nice post chick. Very heartwarming.
May 25th, 2006 at 11:45 pm
Xangelle - thanks for your sweet words. I laugh at people who say shit like that (and don’t have kids yet). The people that do pretend to be perfect are big fat liars!
Susan - remind me to buy that book. And BURN IT.
J. - How true. I’m pretty sure my kids will be in therapy anyway. I have lots of time left to screw them up.
May 26th, 2006 at 3:45 am
Aww..that’s really cute! Sounds like you’ve got just what you always wanted but didn’t know it.
May 26th, 2006 at 8:31 am
I knew absolutly nothing about children before I had my own, hell, the first time I held a baby was after I gave birth!
Things were hard for me, and the strange part about it is that it wasn’t taking care of a baby that I found hard. It was everything else.
I got bad post natal depression, that went undiagnoised for 2 years because I’d been told it was depression and to just “get over it”. Those who have suffered from bad post natal depression will know that’s not the case.
The fact that I can’t breastfeed didn’t help, then there was the ex walking out, court proceedings .. the list of problems go on and on ..
But nothing has made my life more beautiful and forfilled than my children, now days I wonder how I’d ever survive without them.
It’s funny to look back and think of how ignorant I was, or maybe it was simple foolishness.
Parenting may be the hardest job in the world, but it’s sure as hell the best one.
May 26th, 2006 at 8:47 am
I’m still trying to convince myself that I dont need to be “that” mom. My house sounds like your…dust/doghair/fingerprints everywhere. It’s clean(looking) LOL!! I need to accept that THAT is good enough! I’m on Zoloft btw! LOL!! And about every mom I know is on something too….
May 26th, 2006 at 1:13 pm
it’s not easy to be a mom. and things are rarely how you imagine them in your head…. being a mom, an employee, a woman, etc. you know? you rock though and totally kick ass! you are a good mom and a good everything!
May 26th, 2006 at 6:37 pm
Karen,
You are a great Mom. I see that everytime I see you with your kids. I am definitely NOT the “perfect” mom, housekeeper, cookie maker, craft doer, taxi driving mom I thought I would be either. I do know that my kids know that they are loved, respected and listened to. That to me is more important that anything else.
You are an amazing writer and I am proud to call you my friend. (Even if you are on drugs…you crazy bizatch!!!)
May 26th, 2006 at 10:01 pm
My mom kept the house clean and made 3 good meals a day but she didn’t go out of her way to entertain us (She did take me to the library A WHOLE LOT though). I am so glad she didn’t, because I developed inner resources. I feel so bad for kids with all these organized activities. I think making stuff up is always more fun than the activities that adults think up.
May 26th, 2006 at 11:44 pm
Your house sounds like a lot more fun than ?ber-mommy’s house, anyway
(I have dust bunnies and cat hair in my corners and fingerprints on every glass surface, too)
May 27th, 2006 at 3:51 am
“…sewing new siding on the house using recycled cracker boxes…”
Can I just tell you that I really needed to read something like that right now? Something that just purely made me smile? Thanks. That is all.
May 27th, 2006 at 7:15 pm
I just found your site off another’s; what great posts you have! I totally concur with your latest. Even though the SAHM thing is rough sometimes after having a great career, I’m with you…THIS is where I want to be!
May 29th, 2006 at 6:57 am
I’m still working this puzzle out for myself. I appreciate your insight and honestly. I needed to read this today… Thanks.
May 29th, 2006 at 11:14 am
I didn’t want kids and I ended up with 4. However, after my first, I, too had a mental list that makes me laugh hysterically when I think about it, which isn’t very often. I’ve made mistakes for sure and I’m no where near perfect but I think I do a pretty damn good job most of the time. And you sure do, I can attest to that 100%!!!
May 29th, 2006 at 6:07 pm
I loved this post and it really made me laugh! Just discovered your blog, and will be back :o)
Many years from now, your kids won’t remember the dog hair dustbunnies or would-be gourmet cooking, but they sure will go on and on about all the FUN they had with you when they were little!