Happy Canada Day Long Weekend!

June 30, 2006 family

Men Without Hats

June 28, 2006 Me, Unplugged

The other day, Daren had taken the kids out so I found myself alone! In my house! By myself! I got so excited, I started playing tunes and kind of tidying up and such, then it dawned on me that I hadn’t worked out that day or the day before.

So I quickly got into my workout duds, and sneakers, grabbed my iPod loaded with songs like these and these, and started stretching. I did some weights as well, then jumped on my eliptical. With nobody home, I was belting out the tunes so loud, I’m sure the neighbours thought someone was being tortured in our basement. I was high on the music, and high on adrenalin. I was getting my freak on with the eliptical, all gyrating and sticking my tits out like I was friggin’ Beyonce or something. Bootylicious? Sure. I was feelin’ BOO-TAY-LISH-SHUSS baby.

Sweat dripping from my forehead, I decided I wanted to dance. I chose a spot in the basement where no power tools would handicap me, and I cranked the iPod to “Take Your Mama Out” by the Scissor Sisters and let ‘er rip. My well lit basement suddenly turned into a strip club as I grabbed the pole (that holds our house up), and kept dancing. I was on FIRE. I was HOT. I whipped my head around and arched back like I was on Stripper Idol.

ENTER REAR STAGE: CRACK.

I was in PAIN.

Something in my back gave way. I winced. The iPod came flying off. You know, because you can deal with pain better if you can hear yourself wimper like a kitten.

Now I can’t remember if I told Dr. Jeff, our chiropractor about my blog, but if I did, this is the part of the story I left out when I was there yesterday. I was dancing like Foxxxy McRockstar and I came out like Sophia on Golden Girls, much shorter and rounder in the back. So dear Dr. Jeff, if you’re reading this, please don’t make me look you in the eye next Tuesday. The 4th is my birthday after all, and I’m pretty sure there’s a chiropractic oath about birthdays and not making fun of your dumbass clients.

“Take Your Mama Out?”

Never mind, she can obviously do it herself.

Coming Soon to A Blog Near You

family

Oh yes people. There will be more pictures soon.

We’re pwaying wif Wegos.

You just wait.

Ahhh…memories

June 27, 2006 family

I know it’s been a while since I saw Little Orphan Annie, but I certainly don’t remember her looking like this.

A House Divided Nut Kicking

June 26, 2006 family

We have had a situation and want wanted honest advice. Honestly. (got the advice - see below for the update)

Dylan came home from school today and told me that the kid who ‘thinks he knows it all,’ is ‘really annoying’ and ‘called me an idiot,’ (3 weeks ago) got what he deserved today. Turns out MY son, kicked this boy in the nuts and ran away, right after school, before they boarded the buses. He did not look back to see if the kid was okay, and I’m NOT impressed with my son’s behaviour in the least.

(more…)

Liar Liar, Fat Pants on Fire!

Me, Unplugged

Actually no. I can’t lie to you. So here is the truth: yesterday I made pasta salad. With non-whole wheat pasta. And an unacceptable level of cheese. Times two. or Twelve. Slathered with Miracle Whip. And don’t give me the whole Miracle Whip versus Mayonnaise debate because mayonnaise looks like dried snot after a short spell and I am not putting that in my mouth. Blech.

Anyway, I’m STILL PMSing. Oh you could tell? Yes, it’s week three. I’ve always had long drawn out lead-ups to my period, and I’m starting to think maybe it’s just my personality shining through. Ha.

So, after eating 2 bowls of said uber-fattening pasta salad yesterday (one for lunch and one for dinner), this morning I decided the last thing I should do is weigh myself. So after I got Dylan off to school and the coffee made, I stripped down to the bare essentials (um, skin) and weighed myself anyway because I’m not a good listener. I was curious as hell to see if my low fat diet and exercise routines were helping. I’ve kept off the weight from last weeks weigh in, so time to step it up! See the end of this post for some fun ways to torture me into doing just that.

In other news, I’m turning into a man. I’m getting stray hairs where I’ve never seen hair before. You know, odd places like my chinny chin chin, but last week, I noticed something that really made me nervous. A lonely stray hair on the top of my foot. Both feet actually. (Don’t make fun of my very faint tan lines) Look:

And look up close! It’s very fine, but on my foot? Who am I, Danny Devito?

THIS HAD BETTER NOT BE THE START OF OLD AGE.

I’m SO nervous now about going to BlogHer. Ya’ll are wondering what to wear? I’ll be worrying about if I will have to shave my back so I don’t look like I’m wearing a sweater at the beach. I’d better bring enough razorblades so I can look like a girl, but not too many because I don’t want to scare my roommate! When I told Daren I needed to go get an eyebrow wax this week, he asked me why women waste money on those things. Now I can basically say I don’t want to be as hairy as him, the Sasquatch.

Yes it’s all drama, all the time here today!

In case you’re wondering, yes, of COURSE I plucked that mofo!

So this Monday weight loss gig seems to be working here, and ya’ll seemed to like the song list, so here’s another list that got my ass in gear:

1. Sunshine in a Bag - Gorrillaz
2. Magic and Mayhem - Afro Celt Sound System
3. Shake It - Sean Paul
4. Take Your Mama Out - Scissor Sisters
5. Ain’t No Other Man - Christina Aguilara (Thanks Tense Teacher - that rocked my gym socks!)
6. Shake the Laffy Taffy - D4L (I know - it’s lame…but I like it!)
7. Shake That Ass - Eminem featuring Nate Dogg (if anything your abs will get a workout from laughing)
8. Name of the Game - The Crystal Method
9. Song 2 - Blur (The WOO HOO Song)
10. Canned Heat - Jamiroquai

Add your own faves in the comments.

Much like Jenny of Big Slice of Life, Small Slice of Cheesecake, I want challenges! Leave your challenges for me in the comments and I’ll blog about how much I hate you how they turn out! With pictures! (Maybe) I promise to do every single one, within reason. If I were to run (at all) I might die. I think. But other than that (maybe), BRING IT ON!

Read more from My Fat Diary.

Boo!

June 25, 2006 BlogPants

I’m over here, blogging about Ghost Hunting…I scared the bejeezus outta myself last night, while babysitting my girlfriend’s 3 kids. This morning I regretted taking 2 hours to fall asleep, what with the 5 kids pulling at me for pancakes. Ugh.

Graphic Design Series at BlogHer

June 23, 2006 BlogPants

I’m over here today talking about sourcing free images for your web projects:

Obtaining images to design your blog or other projects is easier than you think. Sure, you could sift through hundreds of less than relevant photos on Google’s image search, but here are some inexpensive and free (free!) alternatives I found…

Canadian Sopranos Seeks a Tony

family

Dear Neighbour Lady,

I realize you love having your baker’s dozen of grown sons around, to help with mowing the lawn, washing your car, and taking 3 weeks to tear up your driveway and replace it with a concrete one. (It looks lovely, by the way, though I’m sure glad the jackhammer has been silenced.) I understand wanting to see your grandchildren, and daughter-in-laws, who are also lovely. And by lovely I mean put a shirt on, because your nipples could cut glass, honey.

What I don’t understand is your sons behaviour. The roar of the 1980 Corvette that had been sitting under a layer of dust thicker than the product on your oldest’s lid, is a constant reminder of the boys’ presence. At least it drowns out the language that would make my own potty-mouthed mother blush. The evening show of undershirts, preceeded by the Opera of obscenities, handcuffs our style which includes spending time outdoors with our young children.

It’s too early in the evening to call the police on matters like this. Besides the fact that your boys are old enough to govern themselves in a civilized manner, the noise by-law states that excessive noise can only be addressed by the authorities between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. Normally I would approach problems like this head-on, speaking directly to the boys. I had considered it until I found out that someone else on our block had already done so, and was met with a stream of vile threats from your sons and their friends. The police came and I watched quietly as your boys ‘Eddie Hascal’ed themselves out of trouble. Way to go, June.

Your boys need to learn a few things:

1) Condoms are handy in the prevention of pregnancy;

2) Wearing wife beater undershirts and talking like a bunch of chimpanzees on crack will not land them women any better than the current version of Britney Spears;

3) Blocking the street with loud cars, while having a conversation may result in my garden hose accidently getting out of control; especially if I hear the word ‘fuck’ 84 times in the presence of my children;

4) Whoever honks for a member of your household at 6:50 a.m. every morning will have his testicles made into an omlette if I ever get the opportunity;

5) Boys who live with their mothers will always be boys.

You are a lovely lady. I haven’t seen you in some time. It wasn’t like this last year. I wonder what happened this year that these boys have taken over your house? Are you dead in there? Are you chained in the kitchen (this is more likely since these boys probably wouldn’t keep coming back every day if they weren’t being fed so well.) You can’t tell me they’ve grown up. The evidence just isn’t there.

Would you like to borrow a stool so you can step up and smack these boys upside their big fat heads?

Are you aware that the neighbourhood has renamed your house “The Asshole Farm?”

I look forward to your reply. If you’re not dead in there.

Sincerely yours,

The Boss

The house across the way

Eye Feel Fine

June 22, 2006 Me, Unplugged

Elleoz asked me how my eye was….so I took pics….it feels just fine, thank you!

Troll Baby still isn’t napping, and I’m all out of duct tape.