Brokedown Mama
June 20, 2006
I’m going to have a mental breakdown tonight and no one can stop me. Once the kids are in bed, and Daren has left for hockey, I’m going to make the biggest of all big-ass bowls of popcorn, surround myself with chocolate and copious amounts of water (I don’t drink pop) and watch some sappy chick flick on t.v. or something equally stupid.
With ONE EYE.
What happened, you may wonder? Well, it started last night, I suppose. Daren took Dylan to a friends house to watch the Edmonton Oilers get smoked by the Carolina Hurricanes and I told Dylan he could stay home from school today because otherwise he would be a blubbering mess to get ready for school in the morning. I didn’t need that since I haven’t slept in two days and well, I’m a little bitchy. And by a little, I mean I could blow at any minute. I’ve had intermittent PMS for 2 weeks, yet no sign of M. Whatever. I don’t care about that but the hormones/bitchiness can kiss my ass.
This morning, Troll Baby awoke with a fire in his belly and vengence in his heart. Well, that’s a little dramatic but he was damn grumpy. We were two peas in a grumpy-ass pod while Dylan slept half the morning away. I tried to work on graphics as much as I could and nothing good was coming of it. My customers probably think I’m a moron. Newsflash: I’m a moron. For today, at least.
Fast forward a little to lunchtime. Troll Baby was starving, and Dylan wasn’t hungry at all. I told yelled at Dylan, “This is not a short order restaurant,” and in the back of my mind, I’m thinking, oh my good freaking lord I sound like my Granny, except she doesn’t yell. Troll Baby screamed through lunch, and I figured he was tired. He managed to eat something before I changed him and sent him off to naptime.
Ahhhhh…..peace.
As per his usual MO, Troll Baby talked and laughed, pooped, and then began to cry, signalling for me to change him again. This naptime routine is getting old, and it’s not like I can leave his first wet diaper on in hopes he will fill his drawers into that one, because he won’t. He will cry and cry until he gets a fresh diaper to poop in. I guess he gets that from me. Not that I wear diapers, but I can’t do both duties in the same visit to the bathroom. You needed to know that. ANYHOO. So we sing this same damn song every damn day and there’s no breaking him of it.
BUT GET THIS.
Today was different. I changed him a second time, not making eye contact or speaking to him (they say to do this in the books and it’s working OH SO WELL that we do it everyday.) Then I finally got in the shower. Yay! Usually once I’m out, he’s out.
NOT TODAY ZURG.
He started crying again. I went in and he had POOPED AGAIN. This whole nap avoidance stragedy is obviously paying off, but I changed him again, again without making eye contact or noise, and put him back to bed. I’ve debated on leaving him in it, and making him sleep in it, but he is prone to butt rashes and I just can’t listen to the screaming. Oh, did you think I was going to say, “I couldn’t possibly bring myself to leave my child in his own crap for 2 hours?” Yeah well, I could; if it didn’t affect his butt so bad, and seeing as it would take 3-5 days to break him, I’m betting 3-5 days of butt rash is about as pretty as Boy George.
Besides, do I need to give this child a reason to cry some more?
Troll Baby slept for about an hour, less than half the time he normally naps. When he awoke, he was crying really hard. I went up and he was all sweaty and cranky and stayed that way right through to when I had to start dinner. Dylan went to a friends house for dinner. Thinking I had some peace and quiet while I made Troll Baby some soup, I called my Granny to say hi. No sooner was I on the line, and here was Mister Whiny Pissy Pants at my feet, blubbering on about the dog dish and trying to hand it to me or drink out of it or something. Blech.
He cried when I was blowing on his soup, when I was opening his yogurt to tide him over, while I got his spoon, and while I handed him his dinner. He cried right through dinner, and afterwards, I thought a nice bath might make him fix whatever ailment he was feeling. He played in the tub (happily!) while I plucked my eyebrows (and cried, since I’m a big baby), and I thought all was finally better as I dried him off and took him into his room.
I was standing him up to pull up his pajama pants when the skinny book he was holding jabbing me in the eye. DEEP in the eye. It went right under my eye and I’m pretty sure I have not just a paper cut, but a cardboard cut in my eye. It throbs and stings all at once. And because it’s deep under my eyeball, you can’t really see much. And neither can I.
So while I have a one-eyed mental breakdown, you have yourselves a lovely evening.
*sniff*
Yours very truly,
Mike Wazowski
June 20th, 2006 at 8:24 pm
Oh. My. Goodness. Here’s to a quiet night with a good breakdown. Put DH on kid patrol and drink the cooking sherry *L*.
June 20th, 2006 at 9:32 pm
Have you shown him to many people? If you’ve kept all of that social interation to a minimum, there’s a possiblity no one will notie if he goes missing.
Just make sure you dump the diaper pail. That’s evidence.
June 20th, 2006 at 9:52 pm
Oh no!! That totally sucks. You deserve the breakdown. I hope your eye feels better soon.
June 20th, 2006 at 10:14 pm
And I quote “Not that I wear diapers, but I can t do both duties in the same visit to the bathroom. You needed to know that”…….Ya, here’s the thing, I didn’t need to know that. And your eye….telling me that is kinda like the snot slurping video of Britney Spears that you showed me. It’s not necessary to give me such visuals. I love ya and all but please. I’m just sayin’. I do hope your eye is better soon though!
June 21st, 2006 at 12:47 am
Owwwww! That made my toes curl for you. I hope your eye is better soon and I hope your new tactic helps with the pooping thing because nothing will drive a mom to drink faster than getting screwed out of a nap on a regular basis
June 21st, 2006 at 8:32 am
LMAO….with sympathy.
June 21st, 2006 at 9:58 am
Karen, make sure you go to the eye Dr.! I did something very similar involving reaching for a pacifier and making eye contact the corner of a coffee table. I know it is very unpleasant! They can give you some really nice drops that will make the pain go away. And more importantly, keep it from getting infected.
June 21st, 2006 at 12:13 pm
Owie! Please make sure and go to the Dr. If nothing else just to make sure all is well. I hope that you got a chance to eat that popcorn and get some rest. Don’t ya just hate those kind of days. Hang in there girlie!
June 21st, 2006 at 12:19 pm
OMG!!!! You know, if Troll Baby and Maggie ever got together, they could take over the world. Now, if only they would use their powers for good…
Kate was “tickling” Mike one time when she was 2 and scratched his eyeball with her fingernail. He ended up seeing an optomotrist (Sp? That looks wrong) and had to put this thick salve in his eye every night for nearly a month. Apparently, without the salve, he would open his eyes every morning and tear it open again. Ick!!
June 21st, 2006 at 1:00 pm
Oh, man! That is one sucky ending to one sucky day, Mike! Rent a good chick-flick tonight and you might change that popcorn to some chocolate or something. You need extra TLC!
June 22nd, 2006 at 4:47 pm
[...] Elleoz asked me how my eye was….so I took pics….it feels just fine, thank you! [...]
June 28th, 2006 at 8:03 am
Wow what a time…
And you lived to blog about it…
I was there with you… Hope the eye has heeled…
and hope that you got to watch a movie that had no children in it at all…
June 28th, 2006 at 5:42 pm
Oh.My.Gosh.! I also felt pain when I read this!
My son did that thing too where he’d poop when it was naptime. NOT FUN. To rid him of it we let him sit in his poop, it took less than a week before he stopped. And yes, he did get a rash. That wasn’t fun, but at least he stopped pooping to avoid naps!
October 6th, 2007 at 12:45 am
[...] who practiced her "All-Seeing Eye" technique at a local restaurant - to no avail. Troll Baby gave mom Karen a major owie and a new look — think Mike Wazowski — with the sharp edge [...]