Canadian Sopranos Seeks a Tony
June 23, 2006
Dear Neighbour Lady,
I realize you love having your baker’s dozen of grown sons around, to help with mowing the lawn, washing your car, and taking 3 weeks to tear up your driveway and replace it with a concrete one. (It looks lovely, by the way, though I’m sure glad the jackhammer has been silenced.) I understand wanting to see your grandchildren, and daughter-in-laws, who are also lovely. And by lovely I mean put a shirt on, because your nipples could cut glass, honey.
What I don’t understand is your sons behaviour. The roar of the 1980 Corvette that had been sitting under a layer of dust thicker than the product on your oldest’s lid, is a constant reminder of the boys’ presence. At least it drowns out the language that would make my own potty-mouthed mother blush. The evening show of undershirts, preceeded by the Opera of obscenities, handcuffs our style which includes spending time outdoors with our young children.
It’s too early in the evening to call the police on matters like this. Besides the fact that your boys are old enough to govern themselves in a civilized manner, the noise by-law states that excessive noise can only be addressed by the authorities between 11 p.m. and 7 a.m. Normally I would approach problems like this head-on, speaking directly to the boys. I had considered it until I found out that someone else on our block had already done so, and was met with a stream of vile threats from your sons and their friends. The police came and I watched quietly as your boys ‘Eddie Hascal’ed themselves out of trouble. Way to go, June.
Your boys need to learn a few things:
1) Condoms are handy in the prevention of pregnancy;
2) Wearing wife beater undershirts and talking like a bunch of chimpanzees on crack will not land them women any better than the current version of Britney Spears;
3) Blocking the street with loud cars, while having a conversation may result in my garden hose accidently getting out of control; especially if I hear the word ‘fuck’ 84 times in the presence of my children;
4) Whoever honks for a member of your household at 6:50 a.m. every morning will have his testicles made into an omlette if I ever get the opportunity;
5) Boys who live with their mothers will always be boys.
You are a lovely lady. I haven’t seen you in some time. It wasn’t like this last year. I wonder what happened this year that these boys have taken over your house? Are you dead in there? Are you chained in the kitchen (this is more likely since these boys probably wouldn’t keep coming back every day if they weren’t being fed so well.) You can’t tell me they’ve grown up. The evidence just isn’t there.
Would you like to borrow a stool so you can step up and smack these boys upside their big fat heads?
Are you aware that the neighbourhood has renamed your house “The Asshole Farm?”
I look forward to your reply. If you’re not dead in there.
Sincerely yours,
The Boss
The house across the way
June 23rd, 2006 at 3:24 am
Get a paint gun.
Thwap thwap! (from an unidentifiable location)
Repeat a couple times, and no more 6am honkings!
June 23rd, 2006 at 8:44 am
Oh that totally sucks. I hope they grow up soon or at least stop visiting mommy so often. Has anyone talked to HER about their behavior? It’s worth a shot. I know my grandmother would definitely put a stop to it if it were her boys. I saw her back my 6′5″ uncle in the corner with a broom one time! Keep in mind that she was all of 5′1″ !
June 23rd, 2006 at 10:35 am
Just a sign of the times….no respect for others and a lack of social upbringing is probably to blame.
June 23rd, 2006 at 11:17 am
I second that paint gun.
Put some speakers outside of your house, and blast the themes to the Beverly Hillbillies and Sanford & Son at all hours of the day.
June 23rd, 2006 at 12:00 pm
Dear Jeebus.
I think she might be in there, locked in the bathroom.
She is wondering how long this will go on before someone - anyone - will come and resue her.
June 23rd, 2006 at 1:41 pm
I had no idea you had to deal with that kind of thing in Canada. Searusly. I thought we had a monopoly on them here.
June 23rd, 2006 at 1:59 pm
Ewwwwwww.
I’m thankful everyday for my one good neighbour. The idiots are thankfully further down the street.
June 23rd, 2006 at 2:02 pm
we’re not neighbours … right?
June 23rd, 2006 at 5:03 pm
I expect you to have this situation all taken care of by the time I move in a few weeks. You go girl. hehehehe
June 23rd, 2006 at 7:18 pm
Ohmygawd…it would make me nuts. Unfortunately I have an impulse control problem and I would probably start a neighbourhood feud…
Anyway, I get really bad PMS, I drive a kickass 1984 black trans am and I can look very threatening if need be.
Can I Puhleeeese be the one to lean on them and make them run on home, bawling for their Mommy……
Hormonally challenged and lookin’ for some fun, Anne
June 23rd, 2006 at 11:31 pm
ooo you know, I must say I rather like charred’s idea with the paintball gun.
I may use it on the lil shitheads down my street.
June 24th, 2006 at 12:24 am
Apparently, I’ve created monsters.
June 24th, 2006 at 2:50 pm
what is up with these people who have to honk their fucking horns every time they leave someone’s house? our neighbors’ daughter does that EVERY NIGHT at 11 p.m. It’s so FUCKING annoying!
June 24th, 2006 at 6:48 pm
Dropped by via…hmmm…let’s see…I think it was Mom-101…anyway, first time visitor and enjoyed it very much. Very entertaining…plan to visit again (if that’s okay?)
June 24th, 2006 at 7:47 pm
Of course Joel! That’s my brother’s name…glad you enjoyed your visit. Try the “Must Reads” section in the left sidebar!
June 25th, 2006 at 10:59 am
Sounds like the hood I live in. We’ve had ATF (Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms) raids across the street here.
June 25th, 2006 at 11:26 am
We don’t have raids at all. I live on a quiet crescent in Canadian Surburbia. Nothing ever happens here. These boys are just RFA (really fucking annoying) and I’d like to see them move away!
June 25th, 2006 at 11:38 am
You could always do the anonymous letter thing. I saw someone’s blog mention that she was SO tired of a neighbor’s dog pooing in their yard that she cleaned it up, placed it into a bag and put it around the doorknob.
There’s GOT to be an idea in there somewhere for this situation. I’m still thinking.
June 25th, 2006 at 11:44 am
I do have a big dog and I’m tired of putting up with their shit….wheels turning in my head now….lol!
June 25th, 2006 at 12:16 pm
You know, I think that egging can be an entirely reasonable means of settling neighbourly disputes. Also, flaming turd bags are very satisfying.
June 25th, 2006 at 12:36 pm
Points noted. Flaming eggs and poo together!!
June 26th, 2006 at 7:35 pm
Spell out ‘The Asshole Farm’ in Bluegrass seed and Miracle Gro on their front lawn. Laugh evilly behind twitching curtains.
June 27th, 2006 at 4:03 am
I am a long time reader, this is my first comment….I have heard placing slices of bologna on the paint of a car and left for a few hours will eat right through the paint…it might be an intriguing experiment, if you can get close enough to the cars without being noticed!
July 4th, 2006 at 8:58 am
I read your site a while back but wasn’t able to find it again until today.
I completely understand about bad neighbors.
If your looking for a dirty trick that is non-invasive and does not cause damages: go buy 5 lbs of sugar and a spray bottle with karo syrup (mix with 2:1 h2o:syrup ratio). Spray the building foundation where it meets the joist with the mix, add a sugar line away from where the sray is. Any ants in the area will find the sugar line and very soon, ants will be in their house.
That way your neighbor can have some more houseguests (several hundred more).