Men Without Hats
June 28, 2006
The other day, Daren had taken the kids out so I found myself alone! In my house! By myself! I got so excited, I started playing tunes and kind of tidying up and such, then it dawned on me that I hadn’t worked out that day or the day before.
So I quickly got into my workout duds, and sneakers, grabbed my iPod loaded with songs like these and these, and started stretching. I did some weights as well, then jumped on my eliptical. With nobody home, I was belting out the tunes so loud, I’m sure the neighbours thought someone was being tortured in our basement. I was high on the music, and high on adrenalin. I was getting my freak on with the eliptical, all gyrating and sticking my tits out like I was friggin’ Beyonce or something. Bootylicious? Sure. I was feelin’ BOO-TAY-LISH-SHUSS baby.
Sweat dripping from my forehead, I decided I wanted to dance. I chose a spot in the basement where no power tools would handicap me, and I cranked the iPod to “Take Your Mama Out” by the Scissor Sisters and let ‘er rip. My well lit basement suddenly turned into a strip club as I grabbed the pole (that holds our house up), and kept dancing. I was on FIRE. I was HOT. I whipped my head around and arched back like I was on Stripper Idol.
ENTER REAR STAGE: CRACK.
I was in PAIN.
Something in my back gave way. I winced. The iPod came flying off. You know, because you can deal with pain better if you can hear yourself wimper like a kitten.
Now I can’t remember if I told Dr. Jeff, our chiropractor about my blog, but if I did, this is the part of the story I left out when I was there yesterday. I was dancing like Foxxxy McRockstar and I came out like Sophia on Golden Girls, much shorter and rounder in the back. So dear Dr. Jeff, if you’re reading this, please don’t make me look you in the eye next Tuesday. The 4th is my birthday after all, and I’m pretty sure there’s a chiropractic oath about birthdays and not making fun of your dumbass clients.
“Take Your Mama Out?”
Never mind, she can obviously do it herself.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:25 pm
Holy shit, don’t ever knock that pole down or your house is coming down like a house of cards. Boy that ONE pole has ALOT of responsibility to hold up a whole house and all. And there’s Miss I Wanna Shake My Tits At You being all irresponsible and abusing the said pole. Sheesh. Should I get you a cane and some adult diapers for your birthday?
June 28th, 2006 at 11:27 pm
You are gonna be BANNED from commenting here, young lady.
And yes, it’s the MAIN POLE I was abusing… We only have the one open pole - if there are any more poles, they are in the walls. Wasn’t there a movie about that? The Poles in the Walls? The Door in the Floor? I can’t remember. I must have hit my head on said pole.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:29 pm
Ummm what the fuck are you rambling about? Doors in floors? Holes in poles? Pies in the Walls? What? Are you sure you hurt your back? I think you may have a skull fracture. Go. To. The. Head. Doctor. Now.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:30 pm
Whatever Flem-Bot.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:32 pm
Call 911. Now. You’re leaking brain fluid. I can tell.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
Huh?
June 28th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
I am?
June 28th, 2006 at 11:34 pm
I love the new comment plug-in. It makes me happy.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:43 pm
I guess you’re not a brick house.
just saying.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:44 pm
I’m going to bitchslap yours and Sassy’s heads together. Bitches.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:46 pm
Ya. You’re gonna bitch slap me with your new Estelle Getty body? Riiiight. Bring it bizatch.
June 28th, 2006 at 11:51 pm
Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there’s no such thing as security; and number three, don’t go see “Ishtar.” Woof.
~Sophia
June 28th, 2006 at 11:54 pm
awwww shit!
Now I’ve gone and wet myself.
That was some funny stuff!
I so cannot wait to meet you.
And Sassy, you & Pen don’t have any exposed poles in your basement do you?
Might wanna look at getting that covered before Karens flight lands.
-just sayin.
(in all seriousness, hope back gets better soon you stripper spazz lol)
June 29th, 2006 at 8:07 am
Oh I’m laughing. But not at you. Okay, at you. Just a little. But you made me! It’s all your fault.
June 29th, 2006 at 10:41 am
Laughing! Also, I downloaded your music lists and you have some great taste in music, lady!
June 29th, 2006 at 11:03 am
I can’t believe no one has said anything about the title of this post….hmmmm…anyone get why I called it that?
June 29th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
Men Without Hats…Safety Dance? The video? Were you dancing with little trolls in your basement?
June 29th, 2006 at 3:43 pm
Safety Dance!!! You win!
Win what? I dunno….lol!
June 29th, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Ohhhh. Poor thing! I was totally into it with you, until you threw your back out. I hope you feel better soon enough for more dancing at BlogHer.
June 29th, 2006 at 4:19 pm
Okay: F*A*N*C*Y.
I just watched my comment appear with that scrollymajig, and I want to keep leaving comments so I can keep watching it.
June 29th, 2006 at 4:53 pm
HAPPY BIRTHDAY ON THE 4TH!
June 29th, 2006 at 5:26 pm
I’m not gonna lie, I am definitely laughing at you, but only because it reminds me of my stupidity: Last year, my hip popped out of joint when I was gettin’ jiggy with my daughter, trying to show her my best 80s dance moves.
Getting older sucks.
June 29th, 2006 at 5:27 pm
Oh, and the comment plug-in IS very cool.
June 29th, 2006 at 5:57 pm
This was a hilarious story but seriously, are you guys drunk? The comment thread is as funny as the damn post.
June 29th, 2006 at 5:58 pm
I have to post again to watch that thing again.
So yeah..feel better, k? I won’t be able to enjoy BlogHer nearly as much if I have to see you hobbling around with a neck brace on or something.
June 29th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
Bwaaahahahaha! I’m laughing at myself too. I’m SUCH a huge klutz and this was too good not to share with the blog world. My back is still a little off but Dr. Jeff is the best of the best, despite the fact I’m afraid he will laugh at me, I will keep going. He said I was “fixable.”
Izzy - we were both sober last night when we posted those comments…rofl! Sassy is my best friend, and I love her snark as much as I love her.
June 29th, 2006 at 8:00 pm
This is why I don’t exercise. Other than Kegels. I could hurt myself.
And these comments are precisely why I DO (when I’m not not exercising) always read comments. Because they give me the opportunity to prove to myself the benefit of doing Kegels. Keep the laughter dry.
June 29th, 2006 at 9:02 pm
you are hysterical. I am laughing with you, WITH YOU.
leave that pole dancing to the professionals
June 29th, 2006 at 9:03 pm
wow, I love how the comments appear like that
June 29th, 2006 at 10:25 pm
Jonas still thinks your strange!!! LMAO!!!! Karen told me this story IN CONFIDENCE, but I had to share with my 8 yr old that Karen did..she wasn’t impressed! LOL but now the world knows, so I don’t feel so bad!!!
HEY..maybe you can show me some moves this weekend!! LMAO!!!!! NOT~!
June 29th, 2006 at 10:58 pm
Oh you are such a laugh-riot Nicole. Yuk it up, bizatch.
June 29th, 2006 at 10:58 pm
Where are you sleeping this weekend? In the SHED?
June 29th, 2006 at 11:56 pm
OMG! That was soo hilarious! I was about to tuck a whole dollar in your shorts, or whatever you were wearing. I found you via “Suburban Turmoil”.
June 29th, 2006 at 11:58 pm
*POOF* I magically appear!
June 29th, 2006 at 11:59 pm
Email me a copy of your module, will ya?
KEWEL!
June 29th, 2006 at 11:59 pm
Gratuitous post for to see the scrolly-action.
June 30th, 2006 at 12:45 am
Oh my… thanks for the laugh… and you do know that we’re all laughing because we’ve all done the “nobody’s home and I’m going to pretend that I’m the hottest dancer ever”
June 30th, 2006 at 9:08 am
Glad to see that you haven’t lost your sense of humor. You are cracking me up! I too get jiggy wit it when no one is around. Hell, I will with my DD. She just loves to shake her booty!
Have a great weekend!
July 1st, 2006 at 1:44 am
I had this image, of you, in my head, doing this dance and suddenly that image turned into me and I was just having a gay ol’ time when, instead of the back thing, my husband came home and had me arrested.
I like your version best! Hope your doctor is good to you! lol
July 2nd, 2006 at 8:33 pm
Haha, your so funny. Maybe instead of taking me clubbing when I’m nineteen, you could just buy me a cake… thanks to the way you described how you dance…and the fact that you threw out your back… I think it’d be safer for everyone if we just had cake.
By the way, Happy birthday on the fourth. Don’t go clubbing in celebration
July 2nd, 2006 at 8:34 pm
Oh no. You’ve got some funky ass way of putting comments up, now I’m going to comment you repeatedly because it goes on so grudgelike. Well not really. I’m the type of person that likes to talk just to hear my own voice..
July 3rd, 2006 at 9:32 am
This is brilliant!
July 3rd, 2006 at 1:00 pm
Thank you for that…the times I have been alone, funking down to music and thinking I am a rock star…well…I cannot count, and I am sure the reality is much less attractive than the fantasy. Too freakin’ funny
Anne
July 7th, 2006 at 12:07 pm
Haaaaa. How did I miss this one?
I’ve done a similar injury while doing Solid Gold impressions. I don’t want to talk about it.
July 22nd, 2006 at 11:09 am
[...] I just read about this Striptease Workout at Girl’s Gone Child and I’m wondering…do I DARE after what happened before? Posted by karenrani @ 10:57 am • Ha ha ha, Losing Weight and Gaining Life [...]
October 20th, 2006 at 10:02 am
[...] Course, there’s always the fast music that I love. Remember when I was pole-dancing in my basement? Yeah, I’m pretty sure THAT music moved me. I love strong beats, world music, jungle music, top 40, some country, anything I can sing along to. Daren’s family loves when I sing at the bar. His father signs me up for songs while I’m in the bathroom and I’ll hear my name and wonder which one he wants to hear. Lately it’s been Delta Dawn. Delta Dawn with pneumonia is NOT pretty. [...]