Suitcase of Doubt
August 21, 2006
When I yell at my kids, I’m reminded of her and make myself stop. They will end up spoiled because of me. My husband says I’m too soft.
When I drink too much, I remind myself to stop or end up like her.
If I try to lose weight, I’m reminded of how much she hates fat people.
She’s always hated me because I wasn’t her.
Everyone says I’m nothing like her.
I don’t see her when I look in the mirror.
So why do I carry around all this doubt?
Posted by Karen Sugarpants @ 10:12 pm
August 22nd, 2006 at 8:51 pm
I understand. ((( major hugs )))
August 22nd, 2006 at 11:17 pm
(((HUGS)))
Been there, still am there. Hoping to leave one day.
August 23rd, 2006 at 2:30 am
I feel you on this one.
August 24th, 2006 at 1:00 am
You feel that way because you are dead afraid of turning out like that. Even now - all these years later, with her dead - I still harbor fears that I will reflect my mother s madness in some small fashion. Did someone once ever tell you that you were like her? That may account for your fears. My father once told me I was like my mother. I recoiled in horror. I have tried to be the opposite all my life. So I understand. I know why you watch. But if you watch - you will never, ever become her. Not ever. Believe. Trust in your own stability. I promised myself something. I promised myself that my epitaph would read: This woman never once purposefully harmed a living thing in the entirety of her life. 50 years and counting and so far that s the stone truth.