Operation Save Winky
August 22, 2006
Lately Troll Baby has been afraid of the bath, as I mentioned before, so we have been bathing him as best we can under the circumstances. Because we can’t get him to bathe, we clean him up the best we can, Daren showering with him or me giving him a “chicken bath” (that’s what my Grandma calls it) in the bathroom sink.
Unfortunately, the lack of bathing results in a diaper rash right under his winky. Yeah, I said winky. I don’t need perverts coming here for any reason so I said winky. Deal. Troll Baby knows it hurts to clean it, and re-apply the cream and powder, so he clamps his legs shut every time I try to wipe him up. And by that I mean get the Jaws of Life, because there is nothing that will open those toddler knees.
This kid is strong. He could crush rocks with those thighs. So as I try to fight his legs open, and grow a third hand to wipe him, he screams, yells and clamps. I nearly broke my wrist tonight.
To preserve my right to exact my revenge on Troll Baby by filling my future grandchildren with candy and send them home, I tried a few distraction tactics. I call this Operation Save Winky.
First I offer the powder on the belly technique. Troll Baby loves to rub it in! This should work!
Legs: clamped.
I hand him a toy dump truck and ask what colour it is.
“Gwweeeen.” And my legs are staying shut, Mother.
I try a brightly coloured duck that squeaks and ask him to try it.
“Sqeeee!” Goes the duck.
Clamp, go the legs.
Nice try lady.
Travel Wipes Container?
Clamp.
Hairbrush?
Clamp.
Rubber burger?
Dora Doll?
Annoying play cell phone that I have to remember to chuck one of these days?
Clamp.
Clamp.
Clamp.
Then I see it. I had emptied a bag earlier that had a few diapers, wipes and a tampon. A tampon!
No, I couldn’t possibly.
Tampons are expensive.
What kind of plaything is this, anyway?
I’m desperate. I rip open the tampon and hand it to him. As he pulls on the string, his little brain can’t remember to clamp and and explore the new phenom that is the feminine hygiene apparatus.
Wipe wipe wipe. The Clamp is too late. No tears. He stares at his new toy. The tampon gets pushed through it’s plastic birth canal and all is well with the world.
What?
August 22nd, 2006 at 7:00 pm
Whatever works. Sounds like Operation Save Winky is a success! Hahhahahaha
August 22nd, 2006 at 7:18 pm
You know, those things are fascinating to boys. I once had a 2nd grader bring the applicator that he had found at home to school as a toy. That’s one way to render the teacher speechless!
Glad you saved the winky.
August 22nd, 2006 at 7:30 pm
Nice work!
August 22nd, 2006 at 7:38 pm
I think “winky” is a wonderful word. (Plus, it got my attention. *Laugh*) Very sly use of feminine hygiene. Disturbing, given the context, but sly.
August 22nd, 2006 at 8:59 pm
You are my hero.
August 22nd, 2006 at 10:13 pm
Oh my goodness! you are a frickin’ GENUIS!!! I am SO going to have to remember that one!!!
August 22nd, 2006 at 10:37 pm
That’s WAY too funny!!!
August 22nd, 2006 at 10:42 pm
you are too smart. I will have to remember this.
August 22nd, 2006 at 11:31 pm
I’ve pulled that trick when the kids won’t sit in the bath.
Throw a few in, they watch them bloom and go crazy.
August 23rd, 2006 at 12:09 am
I wonder if winkyrescue.com is taken?
August 23rd, 2006 at 2:19 am
I just, just discovered the wonders of the tampon here. Didn’t know the power! They will travel forever in the diaper bag now to avert any oncoming disaster.
August 23rd, 2006 at 4:58 am
Hello from across the pond.
Next time I read your blog, I’ll have to remind myself not to be drinking coffee. It’s hard trying to swallow and laugh at the same time.
Tampons, the unclamp the legs toy, try it today! You should advertise this.
August 23rd, 2006 at 7:55 am
Desperation truly is the mother of invention *LOL*. Poor little guy, hope winky is better soon.
August 23rd, 2006 at 8:49 am
(running to the bathroom to put some tampons near my diapers and wipes)
You are a genius.
Maybe I’ll buy some generic off-brand tampons just to distract The Squad and keep the nice expensive ones for myself.
August 23rd, 2006 at 9:30 am
Way to go again, will share this with your cousin Michelle. Hey there is also the mini pads with the peel off back that can be used when you run out of post it notes. I have been know to leave one on the bathroom mirror to tell hubby to “have a good day”. We are here for a good time not a long time.
Luv Aunt Kathy
August 23rd, 2006 at 9:38 am
nice problem solving mom!
If you have a whole foods or other granola-y store near by, go in and buy some Seventh Generation diapers. They are chlorhine free and whenever my kids were afflicted with horrible rashes we would use those and he rash would always clear up MUCH more quickly
August 23rd, 2006 at 11:16 am
Whatever gets you through your day! (My motto)
August 23rd, 2006 at 2:18 pm
OMG! That was hilarious! Loved it! “Operation Save Winky” just made my day… And I was going to say, “The tampon was the cherry on top”, but realized that didn’t sound quite right. Clamp.
August 23rd, 2006 at 3:26 pm
PRICELESS!!!
August 23rd, 2006 at 3:59 pm
I call it chicadee!
August 23rd, 2006 at 5:17 pm
Future therapy session:
“Yes Doctor, I think that is when my fascination with tampons began…”
August 23rd, 2006 at 6:14 pm
I called it a winky too. I just don’t like the other word as a word. Winky is more fun to say. At least I did. Until I was informed by a very snooty sounding, “Moooooooom! It’s not a winky! It’s a P****! And you have a ‘Gina.” It was said in such a discusted tone I had to laugh and it’s been P**** ever since! Oh - and both of them would get rashes under there - especially when one of them, er, figured out how to manually manipulate things. We found that plain first aid cream did really well.
August 23rd, 2006 at 7:01 pm
Why do toddlers love to play with tampons?
I’m afraid to think what he’d do with a Nuvaring.
August 23rd, 2006 at 7:07 pm
hehehe… My kids once took a whole box - new - from the bathroom, snuck into their room (while they were supposed to be napping), and proceeded to open each and every tampon, and “shoot” them. You see, they made perfect cannons.
August 23rd, 2006 at 7:14 pm
OMG! I will so totally have to remember this the next time my grandson comes over.
August 24th, 2006 at 2:28 pm
I KNEW you were smart when I met you! Good work.
August 25th, 2006 at 1:14 am
Oooh, you have a water hating toddler too?! My 2 y/o (who was BORN in the water BTW), hates baths and swimming. You know how I’ve gotten him to play in the water? A little tiny baby swimming pool from the 99c store. It’s about a foot and a half across, and holds about 4″ of water. He’ll start off on the outside of it, intent playing with cups and such… then he’ll step inside to get closer to the action… and before you know it, he’s crouching, buck naked, in the pool! HA! It’s a bath in disguise.
August 25th, 2006 at 11:40 am
Now, that is funny, I don’t care who ya are…(quoting Larry the Cable Guy)
One time The Pickle grabbed a tampon out of my purse and I thought Hunnybunny was going to have a stroke…
August 25th, 2006 at 4:14 pm
One of my boys once sat outside the shower, while I was trying to get clean, and opened the cabinet. When I stepped out of the shower, he had unwrapped every single tampax and shot them out all around the bathroom. He also stuck a few maxis on his head with the sticky tape.
Good times, indeed.
August 25th, 2006 at 6:29 pm
Yay! Mommy saved the winky!
Now maybe your idea can be added here.
August 27th, 2006 at 1:07 pm
creatamomma’s unite!
Thats friggin hilarious.
There’s been times I’ve had to use those lil Canada flag pins (you know, the one you get on national holidays) to fix broken dress straps in a pinch, I’ve done the pantyliner notepad thing too and used a tampon to absorb blood from a skinned knee once when Matt fell as a toddler while out and about. First, I let him push it thru the applicator, it stopped the tears and started a floodgate of laughter than we kinda unravelled it a lil till it was a lil cotton square.
Anywhoo… hope Operation Sve Winky gets a lil easier as that medication starts to work.
August 27th, 2006 at 5:37 pm
Now that’s persistence!
I hope one day he’ll thank you for this.
August 27th, 2006 at 10:30 pm
Hilarious!!!!!
August 28th, 2006 at 6:56 am
LOL You’re so inventive! I’d NEVER have thought of anything like that. hehehe