Selfish
August 28, 2006
This past weekend I got to spend some quality time with one of my very best friends, one I’ve known for 21 years. She’s having a rough go right now. She and I went through PPD together, but now she is re-thinking if she ever had it in the first place, because she still feels so angry. The anger is something mothers don’t typically talk about, but I told her I had gone through the same feelings, the same yelling, the same urges to walk out the door and never come back, and those awful feelings of wanting to drive off the road, before finally realizing that I needed help.
Those feelings are scary. We both love our children very much, and would never hurt them, though the angry feelings make us feel like we might, some days. For me, it’s in the past tense, but for her, she is living this private hell in her head and the guilt, anger and frustration are too much for her.
I tried to let her know these feelings are normal, first off. It’s normal to be frustrated with your husband, your children, your job, and life in general. It’s normal to yell at your kids/husband/cat/dog. It’s normal to feel as though you’re doing a shitty job, day in and day out. I want her to know she is not alone.
I’m no doctor, but I did advise her that open communication between her and her own doctor is so important. I was brutally honest with my doctor, though I was fearful that she would order CAS to take my children far far away from me. My friend promised she would go back to her doctor and be more honest than she had been in the past. Sure, she was treated for PPD, but this is different. Having two kids under 5, a full time job, and a husband who works full time can certainly make a woman grow frustrated with things that really, in ten years, won’t matter. Like the house being clean; my grandmother told me a while back that my house will never be clean as long as my kids were at home. Once I came to terms with that and stopped trying to be Bree VanDeCamp, things in my head got a little lighter. The guilt bags I had packed for myself had dropped some weight.
Further to that guilt, the guilt about raising kids, constantly questioning yourself won’t help you any, I told her. I sat my friend down and pretended to open a suitcase on my lap. I told her to do the same. She thought I was a little nutty, but I continued anyway. I told her to put all her guilt about the kids, her husband, the house, her job and pack it in that suitcase. We then put our suitcases down and walked away. We pretended they got lost in luggage claim and tried very hard to feel guilty about something, as we laughed about our silly exercise.
A young mother I used to babysit for had seen her own doctor for the same reasons and he told her this: “When you’re on an airplane and the cabin pressure drops, you are instructed to put on your OWN oxygen mask first, than assist others, such as your children. Life is no different. If you take care of yourself first, you are more equipped to take care of your children.” I couldn’t have said it any better.
What I would like my friend to try and do now is to be a little more selfish. We give away so much of ourselves to our family, that quite often as young mothers, we end up resenting them, feeling anger and guilt, and being so very unhappy. I’ve been there.
I’m not there anymore.
I took time for myself. I created a business that makes me happy and allows me to be creative. I go for walks. I watch trash t.v. I go to bed with a book when I want. I curl up on the couch and nap while the kids are playing here in the family room. The time I take for myself makes me happy. The time I spend with my kids makes me happy. Let’s face it, taking the kids to the park, or out in front of the house can be pretty boring. Sure, they are having a good time, but we stand there and worry about cars barrelling down our street, about scraped knees and bumped heads, and what’s the point of that? So I try to enjoy it, but I’ll often take a notepad and paper to record funny things they say or do, or to jot notes about other ideas for the designs.
So be a little selfish, my friend. Sit down right now and write down 5 (or more) things that make you happy. Whether it’s a night out with girlfriends, reading a novel, watching “How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days” (again!), whatever it is that makes you happy. Do it. Every. single. day.
Be selfish.
You’ll love yourself for it.
And just so you know, you’re doing a great job.
August 28th, 2006 at 12:01 pm
Exactly.
It’s hard to figure that out, but once you do it is so much easier to be happy and balanced.
August 28th, 2006 at 1:50 pm
Very good advise for your friend. For me the hardest step was admitting to myself that I didn’t have to be perfect and it was ok to feel those feelings, then the next hardest step was telling my husband and doctor. I had such a feeling of overwhelming relief when my doctor told me that I was not the only person to feel that way, that I was going to be ok, and she would help me get better.
August 28th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
Such great advice.
We all need to be selfish sometimes
August 28th, 2006 at 3:46 pm
What good advice! I can really relate to the feelings of anger & resentment sometimes. I love my kids dearly, but I sometimes can’t help feeling like I want my life to go back to “normal”. The hardest part for me is not feeling guilty for being selfish. I know that I need time & activities just for me, but then I do them and I feel bad. Isn’t being a mom great sometimes
August 28th, 2006 at 6:19 pm
Being a single mom of three I’ve really struggled with being selfish and guilt. But I’ve also had to learn that if I don’t take that time I just make things worse.
Hope your friend gets the help she needs, and with a friend like you hun.. I think thats going to happen.
August 28th, 2006 at 8:36 pm
Definitely. You need to take care of yourself first. Best wishes for your friend.
August 28th, 2006 at 9:04 pm
That’s very good advice. We all need time for ourselves.
August 28th, 2006 at 9:57 pm
Thank you for posting this today.
I needed to read it.
August 28th, 2006 at 10:13 pm
And the church said….AMEN!
August 28th, 2006 at 11:20 pm
Beautiful advice for women everywhere; this is a lesson I finally began to learn just this summer, but it took my seeking help to do it. If only you had written this in May, I might not have had to go to therapy! (lol)
August 28th, 2006 at 11:41 pm
That Mommy guilt is sooo strong, it sucks me back in every time I go out to do something on my own,even running errands on the weekends.
But I’ve decided to go away for 2 nights to celebrate our 9th year anniversary coming up, it’ll be the first time away from my children in six years. I was torn with this decision though and wrote about it in my blog.
August 29th, 2006 at 1:03 am
and just so YOU know - You are doing a great job getting this info out there! amen, amen, amen!
you rock.
August 29th, 2006 at 7:17 am
Thank you. This was really good to read. As a woman making the transition from scientist to SAHM, I often get caught up in trying to give it my all — and too much of that isn’t good for anyone! Remember the piece about the woman who felt guilty reading the paper at the breakfast table with her son? Wasn’t me, but could have been. Think I’ll encourage free play this morning, while I read an actual book! (A girl can dream, can’t she?)
August 29th, 2006 at 9:15 am
Excellent post, Karen. Your friend got some good advice from you (I’ve never heard of that suitcase thing, but it’s clever!)
I constantly feel like my life needs a restart-that I need to scrap every thing I do and start over completely. Sounds like I need to make that list.
August 29th, 2006 at 9:35 am
Thank you so much for this post Karen! It should be required reading for all moms, new and seasoned. I’m going to keep it around to read when I need it most. Rock on sister! You da bomb! (and all the other tired, but true cliches).
August 29th, 2006 at 2:27 pm
thank you. seriously, sometimes i just need to hear someone else say that, despite knowing its true. you so rock.
August 29th, 2006 at 2:30 pm
I love this. Thanks so much. I know what you mean about taking time for yourself and it not being selfish because doing it also helps your whole family. My blog was started for that very reason. Would you mind if I included this post in a PPD carnival over at my place in September?
August 29th, 2006 at 9:07 pm
Karen what an awesome post. I’ve been wrapped with work so much since I’ve been back from our trip, and I’ve been doing nothing but bitching at the family and stressing out to the max AGAIN. You have come a long way yourself, and I’m very very proud that you can now turn your experiences into helpful advice to your friend. I am glad I finally got around to reading your blog after a few weeks….sorry I’ve been MIA. This post really made me think twice, AGAIN. I’m always great at giving advice, but I’m also good at listening to a true friend, like you. I hope your friend feels better, and truly knows you are an amazing friend to her.
You rock!
August 29th, 2006 at 11:00 pm
Break it down, self-ish. Doesn’t look like a bad thing now does it?
When we do take car of our “self”, it is anything but selfish. It’s damn right necessary!
August 29th, 2006 at 11:17 pm
Thanks!
You’re nice. And a good friend, too.
August 30th, 2006 at 7:09 pm
That’s so funny that I read this post today. I don’t have kids but I realized recently that I have basically been “taking care” of my fiance for the last few years. I have been completely forgetting about myself without even realizing it. Why do we, as women, all have SUCH a hard time with this?
August 31st, 2006 at 8:27 pm
Thank you, more than you’ll ever know. If I get brave enough, I’ll blog about it…
September 3rd, 2006 at 10:42 am
[...] Karen over at Troll Baby wrote a great post a few days back about the importance of being Selfish. I want to send an MTM shout-out to her by way of thanks. I am a firm believe that becoming a parent (and specifically a mom) does not mean sublimating your every desire for the needs of your children. Sure, they need to be fed, clothed, housed, and LOVED. But they also need to see healthy parents leading healthy and fulfilled lives. [...]