Letter to Mom
August 31, 2006
Dear mom,
Well, it s that time of the year again. It s time for me to think about your death. Not like I really want to do it but I seem to have a photographic memory for dates. It s been awhile since we last spoke. It s been a awhile in general.
Mother, mother,
how’s the family
I’m just calling to say hello
How’s the weather,
How s my father
Am I lonely, heavens no
However mom, there is a difference this year. This year I write my letter to you and place it on the Internet. I know usually I send a letter, even with postage and I mark it simply to mom, heaven. This year, I thought I would try the deepness of cyber space. This year is also different because I have a baby now and I am a mom. He is asleep in his rocker, next to me, cooing and snoring slightly.
Mother, mother, are you listening
Just a phone call
To ease your mind
Life is perfect,
Never better
Distance making,
The heart grow blind
I want to clear the air, mom. I want to clear it now. Usually I feel this day like a piano being dropped from the top of the Empire state building. I avoid going outside because I find myself shooting looks at people who don t deserve the evil eye. What they don t understand is that while they are out with their kids, I am not really thinking they are evil, I am jealous.
When you sent me off to see the world
Were you scared that I might can hurt?
Would I try a little to tobacco?
Would I keep on hiking up my skirt?
This year Mom, I am pissed off at you. I know it was hard having the three of us and no support from the asshole father. I know you relied heavily on the kindness of others. But here s a secret for you: the booze? Yeah, that was a problem. At one time you recognized it and started AA but what happened? You quit? I am sorry, but I don t find it acceptable. Maybe I am being a total selfish bitch but I really needed you in my late teenage years. Were you oblivious to all that was going on in my life? You never worried about the bro, he was off doing his thing. He was successful a prize son. You were always worried about the sis. She was doing things that you weren t keen on. She was acting out. But me? Did you even see the shit I was doing? Did you know that I was fucking around? Did you know that I was drinking everynight in my room? Did you realize that I spent most nights roaming the streets, having escaped through my bedroom window? Do you even see that I wasn t eating? That I was cutting? You know that car accident I was in when you were at the wedding back east? Did you actually believe that was a car accident? Do you know anything? Did you even know about my secret life?
I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
Everything’s fine
I’m freezing
I’m starving
I’m bleeding death
Everything’s fine
Now I sit here and I look at my son. I have more of an understanding about you then I did before. I know that you tried your hardest with us. I know that you always wanted the best for us. And by looking at my son, I can begin to grasp the extreme measure you took to make sure that we were cared for financially.
Yeah, I’m working,
Making money
I’m just starting to build a name
I can feel it around the corner
I could make it any day
I understand your depression. Life didn t turn out how you wanted it to. You married and abusive asshole. Your baby died. But you had three kids who loved you. Wasn t it enough? Wasn t that enough to make you want to see us out in the world? By understanding your depression I begin to understand my own. I look at Finley and I understand that I too would do anything for him.
Mother mother,
Can you hear me?
Sure I’m sober,
Sure I’m sane
Life is perfect,
Never better
Still your daughter,
Still the same
But here is the difference between you and I: I want to be around when Finley had a baby. Or gets married. Or goes to college. Or even graduate from high school damn it!!! You gave up all of this with us, and now you are missing being a grandmother. You would have been a kick ass grandmother too. I think that s what bothers me the most this year; the fact that you are not here to see Finley. That you are not here to give me advice on breast-feeding or sleeping patterns. Where the hell were you when Finley was sent back into the hospital because of a raging fever? Where were you when I was praying for him not to die like my sister?
If I tell you what you want to hear
Will it help you to sleep well at night?
Are you sure that I’m your perfect dear
Now just cuddle up and sleep tight
The truth is mom, that instead of feeling lonely this year, I am mad. You could have been here for this. You could have enjoyed your life as a grandma. Instead, I am here, DORWNING because there is no one that I can ask for help with Finley from. There is no grandmother. As pissed as I am that you gypped me out of an adult relationship with you, I am more pissed that you gypped Finley out of a grandmother.
I’m hungry
I’m dirty
I’m losing my mind
Everything’s fine
I’m freezing
I’m starving
I’m bleeding to death
Everything’s fine
But I do want to thank you for an amazing lesson. You did teach me that even though it may be hard, I don t want to be like you. I plan on being here for my son. I plan on being here for a long, long time. I can t wait to watch him grow. 53 years was too short of time mom. And you threw it all away.
I miss you
I love you
Love,
Kathleen
* Mother, mother by Tracy Bonham
~ Kathleen
August 31st, 2006 at 8:23 am
That was beautiful.
Thank you.
I write letters to my mom too. I hope she ‘reads’ them..I hope yours does too.
Be well.
August 31st, 2006 at 9:51 am
Thank you for sharing your heart. That was lovely.
I think you’re going to be okay. Your son is a lucky boy.
August 31st, 2006 at 11:13 am
I think that the one thing we all learn from “losing” our mothers is what we don’t want to be. I miss mine desperately for all that advice-the first year with my firstborn was so hard-I wanted her with me dammit. I deserved her with me.
It gets easier.
August 31st, 2006 at 5:24 pm
Thank you.
I am glad to hear it gets easier because right now I am so lost that I don’t even know where to begin to look to find my way out of this cave.
August 31st, 2006 at 10:37 pm
Powerful and heady post. Thanks for being so honest. I think anger is part of the healthy process of grief….good luck.
September 12th, 2006 at 2:39 am
You are not really lost, Kathleen. You have found us - and that means we have found you too. So those woods may be very dark and deep - and it may indeed seem there are miles to go before you can sleep - but take heart, my dear. There is hope in company. I have always taken comfort in that perhaps you can as well. You are not alone.