Emotionally Bankrupt
January 17, 2007
Last night I dreamt of my father. I’ve written about him before and basically the story goes like this: Deadbeat Dad hides from girl and her mother to avoid paying child support for 18 years.
I didn’t meet him until I was 7 years old, and my childhood memories are all good ones. He took me to Centre Island and the CN Tower on the weekends that he actually showed up to get me. Believe me, I sat on the front porch many-a-Saturday mornings only to be in tears by after-lunch and consoled by my angry mother. He bought me my first computer, a Vic 20, and my first radio that played cassette tapes. His face was like Santa’s: jolly, trusting, and round. I loved my Dad dearly, but something nagged at me through out my life. He wasn’t consistent in anything: visits, jobs, affection, moods. Nothing.
At 20, while living out in Vancouver, him and I tried to develop a more mature, adult child and father relationship. The truth is, I had very little respect for a man who not only disappointed me for years and avoided my mother to avoid paying child support, but later repeated his actions with his second wife and their daughter who is now 20 herself.
Dad and I talked on the phone a few times, and I’ll admit I was unforgiving when he fed me excuse after excuse as to why he was hiding from the half-sister I barely knew. I didn’t accept his explanations for not holding down a job and told him I did not respect his choices. I guess I was bitter, working full-time myself, only to watch as my tax dollars fed a man who was perfectly able to support himself.
Our relationship was strained, awkward, difficult. He tried to hold down jobs for a few years after those phone calls, even helping my grandmother out where he could. As far as I know, he continued to hide from my half-sister. I often think of reaching out to her, to help her understand our father, but I barely understand him myself.
I have been called emotionally bankrupt when it comes to my father. Sure, he walked me down the aisle, but the man on my other arm was more of a father to me than my own was. My best friend’s family had taken me in when I left home at 14, and I get more emotional about my friend’s Dad being on my other arm then I do about my biological father even being at my wedding. We had a few falling outs after the wedding and I haven’t spoken with him for about three and a half years.
I wish I had a father I could be proud of.
Last night’s dream was no exception to how I feel, I think. In the dream, Dylan, Daren, Thomas and I were all going to visit my father in his apartment (I have no idea where he lives, but whatever). We got out of the car and I turned to see my father, smoking a cigarette, at a bus stop. Getting ready to leave.
As I approached him, I wasn’t smiling, and he didn’t see me near-scowling at the back of his head. My inner thoughts were begging to know why I had come. I couldn’t answer them.
I stood beside him, and asked where he was going since we had planned on visiting with him. He didn’t answer me. Instead he pointed behind me and I turned, just as a bus came barreling down the street. I looked back at him as he put his cigarette out with his shoe, and he smiled at me, got on the bus and left.
I can’t get this out of my head. Does this mean that he isn’t long for this world? Like a child who knows from experience that the stove is hot, I’m extremely reluctant to reach out, only to be burned again. Maybe it’s just a stupid dream.
January 17th, 2007 at 9:09 am
I spent ten years not talking to my father. Eventually my younger sister guilt tripped me into seeing him. It wasn’t easy and I feel uncomfortable every time I see or talk to him, but in the long run I don’t have to have not seeing him before he dies on my conscious.
Big hugs to you, I know that dealing with a situation like this is far from easy.
January 17th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Karen, ya sometimes a dream is just a dream. But I think sometimes a dream is far more than that. I have no idea how to analyze them, but as to this one, perhaps it is more about what you expect out of him considering the history.
I know, from all of the reading I have done over at your place, that your boys are blessed with a very present father.
January 17th, 2007 at 10:38 am
*hugs* to you, sometimes, a dream is just that- but I think in your heart you are right, you have your own family to nurture, save your time and love for them. One day, you may have a dream of walking away from him, and you will wake up free.
January 17th, 2007 at 10:39 am
I am so sorry that your dad did all that terrible stuff. I go through a little of that with the Boy Scout and his bio-dad. But I like what the previous commentor said. Your Daren is totally there for your boys so they won’t ever have to feel that pain like you did. I’m lucky, too. Hunnybunny has been in the picture since the Boy Scout was 3, (we dated for 4 years before we got married) and sometimes he struggles with the differences in the two of them. Hunnybunny treats The Boy Scout and the Pickle the same.
I don’t know about dreams, Karen. I’ve had a few bad ones about my stepdad lately. He has colon cancer and I worry about him. *****hugs*****up to the cold North to you. I so admire how you’ve handled the pain in your life.
January 17th, 2007 at 10:59 am
What a lot of pain to live through! It’s so very impressive that you have chosen to have children and break the chain of abandonment with your generation! I was blessed beyond belief in my own dad http://dontgelyet.typepad.com/dontgeltoosoon/2006/11/i_dont_want_to_.html so know what you have missed.
A friend of mine whose father was an alcoholic told me that when his dad died, he didn’t want to do anything. His rabbi urged him to follow our tradition and “say kaddish” (pray) for his dad every morning for 11 months. The amazing thing was that by the time those 11 months were over he felt no more anger! Maybe there’s something to just, if not praying, wishing him well each night or morning — to release your own burden. You certainly don’t deserve to be carrying it!
January 17th, 2007 at 11:15 am
Fathers.
Whatever I have to say here, might be better served by reading this post I wrote awhile ago.
http://www.xanga.com/kissmequikly/363396640/item.html
(It’s on my xanga page because I never did get around to moving all of that stuff over to blogger. One of these days)
xoxox
January 17th, 2007 at 12:27 pm
Karen, I’m so sorry for your pain. My dad and I are estranged as well. It’s a long story, painful to recount. Just wanted to let you know I am here if that helps any. Big hugs to you.
January 17th, 2007 at 12:30 pm
Karen, I hate that you had that dream, that you had to deal with a father who didn’t love you as he should have. Deciding whether to reach out is a hard one. I would probably be full of fear that the same thing might happen all over again. And yet full of fear that he would respond as he should have so many years ago, embrace you, and then ask for your forgiveness. Because sometimes, even if you want, that’s so hard to give.
January 17th, 2007 at 12:52 pm
Awwww … thanks chicklet.
It’s strange, isn’t it? He’s still alive and kicking, and living in downtown TO, but when I DO occasionally speak to him, he now sounds old and frail.
It pulls at my heart, it really does.
January 17th, 2007 at 1:08 pm
Hi - Reading about your biological father reminds me what my youngest sister Stefanie went through with her father. He was an asshat to the end. He died from brain cancer when she was 35 and she hadn’t seen him since she was 10 years old. My daddy (we have the same mom) was more of a father figure to her then her own. I tell ya, Bob was just the sperm donor…that is all! I kept telling Stef that karma would get him back for all the wrong he did to her (and his other daughter by another woman). She found out through some relatives of his — that he had cancer of the ear that metastisized (sp?) to the brain and he died a VERY painful death. Karma will indeed bite you in the ass!
Anyway - I used to have strange dreams and always wondered if you should take them as a sign of anything, period?! I say they are just manifestations of different thoughts and memories throughout our lives. But…who am I? What do I know!? Nada really…
Your emotional roller coaster with your dad has certainly been one hellova ride. Just remember the old saying “That what doesn’t kill you will only make YOU stronger.”
Les~
January 17th, 2007 at 1:16 pm
There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.
I don’t want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can’t make them stay.
LET THEM GO!
And it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you’ve got to know when people’s part in your story is over so that you don’t keep trying to raise the dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s dead.
You’ve got to know when it’s over. Let me tell you something. I’ve got the gift of goodbye. It’s the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It’s not that I’m hateful, it’s that I’m faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He’ll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don’t need it. Stop begging people to stay.
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to something that doesn’t belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to…
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to past hurts and pains…
LET THEM GO!
If someone can’t treat you right, love you back, and see your worth…
LET THEM GO!
If someone has angered you…
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge…
LET THEM GO!
If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction…
LET THEM GO!
If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents…
LET THEM GO!
If you have a bad attitude…
LET THEM GO!
If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better…
LET THEM GO!
If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship…….
LET THEM GO!
If you keep trying to help someone who won’t even try to help themselves…
LET THEM GO!
If you’re feeling depressed and stressed…
LET THEM GO!
Get Right or Get Left, think about it, and then…
LET THEM GO!
“!?? Bishop T.D. Jakes
January 17th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
The emotional warfare my father has carried out on me could fill an entire blog by itself, so I understand how you feel. There was a brief two year period where my father and I didn’t speak at all (after he found out that I asked my mom to walk me down the aisle for my wedding, since she was the one who raised me), and I found that period blissfully refreshing, to be honest.
But the day I had Cordy, he magically appeared in my hospital room, and I found I had to deal with him again. I do deal with him, just to keep the peace, but I really am emotionally bankrupt in that relationship, and wouldn’t mind it if he would stop calling and stop yelling at me because I don’t call him enough. Seems like it would just be easier, you know?
I’m sorry you had such a disturbing dream, but sometimes a dream is just a dream. You can’t force him to be someone he’s not. You can instead channel your energy into those who you share a mutual love and respect with. A father isn’t really a father just because he provided half the genetic material for your creation (same goes for mothers, too). You have other loved ones in your life who stepped up and helped fill that role for you, and they’re the ones who matter most.
January 17th, 2007 at 1:53 pm
(delurking)
Karen, it sounds like you’ve already made every effort to reach out to your dad. Sometimes it’s better to let it go. Does he even deserve a daughter like you or your half-sister?
January 17th, 2007 at 4:01 pm
Karen,
Since your Dad has spent a lifetime walking away from those he should hold the closest, I think the dream was probably representative of that reality.
My Dad left when I was 2 and NEVER looked back. i actually think I was luckier. I never had the emotional ups and downs that go hand in hand with waiting for someone who was unreliable. I wish you the best in trying to figure this out.
January 17th, 2007 at 4:45 pm
I think it’s very common to dream about people with whom we have unfinished business or perhaps things unspoken that need to be said.
My interpretation is that he has spent a lifetime coming and going in your life and that fact is showing up in your dream.
Perhaps you have things you want to settle and feel he is too elusive. In any case, this is someone, as you already know, that you can’t count on. The next time you have the opportunity, put your cards on the table and then move on ss best you can.
As for your half-sister, if you want to reach out to her, maybe you should. You’re not going to have all the answers for her but maybe just knowing there is a family member who understand will do both of you some good.
I have four half-siblings who don’t even know I exist. I would love to know them but it would involve betraying other people and I just can’t do it which is so unfair…
January 17th, 2007 at 5:29 pm
I’m not a good dream-interpreter, but I have a different interpretation - you’ve accepted him for who he is, and you can let go of some of your past feelings.
As an aside, I’m glad I’m not the only one who had 2 people walk her down the aisle! My dad and my step-dad both walked me down, and it was wonderful. One of them is my biological father, the other is the father I would choose if I could.
January 17th, 2007 at 8:09 pm
Karen,
I’m actually in tears reading this. It hits SO close to home right now. The story for me is a bit different, but I have been and am going through this right now. I just decided to start talking to my dad again (it was his mom that passed away after Christmas). The funeral was the first time I’d spoken to him in a year. He hasn’t seen Liberty since she was 2 (she’s now 5) and he’s never met Bean. It breaks my heart. I am (once again) the one reaching out. VERY cautiously, as I know I will probably get burned again. So far our contact has been amicable. But there is so much hurt..so much past..so many things that have been said and done.
I am a big believer in dreams. I’ve had too many tell me things I wouldn’t/couldn’t admit or know. You don’t have to let your guard down and you don’t have to allow him back in. You can just stick your foot in his door to check in and no more. At least maybe that way part of you would have some peace. Sometimes that pain is less painful than the regret of not trying.
I dunno.
(((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))
Just in case ya needed that.
January 17th, 2007 at 8:28 pm
Dreams come from our subconscious, maybe you had a thought about him during the day and it stuck in your mind until the dream. I’m so sorry your Dad was like that because unfortunately, my husband had the exact same thing with his Dad. I’ve heard so many stories about my husband sitting on the sofa in front of the window for hours watching for his Dad’s car to pull up in the driveway. Then, there would be the inevitable phone call with the excuse.
I agree with everyone who said that you could check in with him from time to time without opening yourself up to getting hurt. And then go back to enjoying your own terrific family!
P.S. Please check your email. I’m so sorry.
January 18th, 2007 at 12:14 am
I think Cynthia’s comment about saying kaddish has an interesting point. At this time in your life, maybe it’s time for you to be at peace with the crappiness of your father’s decisions. Not to forgive and have him understand, because that’s unlikely, but to be able to put it to rest, so it doesn’t hurt you anymore
For a variety of reasons, i have a crappy relationship with my dad. Like Christine mentioned above, my dad magically appeared when I had my daughter, and suddenly i had to deal with him again.
I’ve worked for almost 20 years now at just letting it go, and trying to understand that he made crappy choices, and those are his choices. How I deal with him (or don’t deal with him) is my choice to make.
Not that I’m over the whole thing, not by any means, but it’s easier than it used to be.
Anyway, i don’t know what this says, other than i’m sending you a hug.
January 18th, 2007 at 10:46 am
You have just repeated my live story. I will be back to read more of your blog later.
work makes me busy!
January 18th, 2007 at 10:46 am
Oh, Karen, dreams can be so taunting, can’t they? Mine always taunt me.
My SIL is going through something similar with her dad right now and finally she has just let go. She had to because she kept keeping score in her head about how her dad was missing out on X, Y, Z with her son and then completely missed the birth of her daughter. However, her dad is very involved in my SIL’s brother’s life, and I think that was what made her realize that she just had to stop all of the energy toward someone who put none toward her.
I would never pretend to be able to give you advice on this as we all have our own perceptions on life and reasons why we are where we are. However, I do hope that your dreams are soon filled with happy things.
January 18th, 2007 at 3:32 pm
I rather know how you feel. Both my bio-dad and step-dad were abusive, in different ways. And I don’t have relationships with either one of them. I get an occasional email from my bio-dad, usually about some family event on his side of the family. I have a half-sister and brother that I don’t know very well at all, despite thinking that they are neat kids, simply because I want to avoid any difficult questions. My step dad I haven’t spoken to in over a year, and I find that when I realize this, I’m not missing anything in my life because of that fact. This realization is comforting to me, knowing that I never got along with him and I’m not still seeking acceptance from him like I used to. I still get angry on occasion, and wistful when I hear stories of great father/daughter relationships. I walked myself down the aisle at my first wedding. My kids walked me down at my second.
I don’t know what the dream means. Maybe it’s a confirmation that he never was there for you. And I think sometimes people just don’t have the ability, much less the means. It sounds like you’ve cut ties, which is probably the best for you.
My hubs has asked me several times ‘if either of your dads die, are you going to their funerals’. Right now, I don’t know. I think it will depend a lot on circumstances at the time.
January 18th, 2007 at 3:53 pm
I’ve been thinking about your dream. This post has been with me all day long. In my thoughts. In the back of my head. It’s real for me reading it because I have/am living/lived it.
To me this dream means that you were making plans to see your Dad. With anticipation you went to see him, to visit himwith your children. Allowing him into a guarded place in your life, giving him the chance to enteract with your children. When you arrived he didn’t have the time for you. Too self absorbed in his own world to notice that you were giving him something special. Your time, your time with your children.
But what does it tell you? I have no idea. That is my interpretation of your dream.
Again. great blog. I can’t wait to read more
January 18th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
I don’t know if this was just a dream or what, but I think Shannon’s right. I don’t want to see you get hurt again, but follow your heart and do what you think is right for you and your family.
You’ll always have us!!!
Hugs and kisses!
January 19th, 2007 at 9:49 am
It didn’t *upset* me. Just one of those facing the emotions you have shoved into the furthest part of you so that you just don’t have to deal with it type of things
And the twisted relief that you aren’t the only one that has to deal with this kind of thing. I’ve been doing the on/off thing for about 8 years now with Dad…and we’re in the beginning of on again…so that makes me a blubbering mess 
January 19th, 2007 at 7:11 pm
I hate when dreams do that shit.
You’ll shake it in a few days. You will. The dream, anyway.
Just be a good person and do what you do. Control what you can control.
That’s it.
January 20th, 2007 at 3:20 pm
I hope you contact your half sister sometime, if you think you can.
Your post brought up thoughts for me of my bf’s kids, who were abandoned after the divorce (when they were toddlers) by their father. He’s never been there or contributed, Also the same for the first wife and two kids he had before he married my bf.
I think about my friends kids a lot, and how much they hurt. I think hearing from their older half siblings could help, and let them know their father being shitty isn’t about them, or the first kids, he’s just a weak weak selfish man. I think it would help them, even if just in a small way, to accept the situation better and not to blame themselves or their mother.
I wish they and you did not have such pain.
January 20th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
I think it’s less a premonition than you working out unresolved issues through your unconscious. Dreams are never stupid. And I’ve found generally that if you think enough about them, you know exactly what they mean. I’m sorry you’re still finding you’re not entirely at peace with this. Although I suppose, it’s near impossible for anyone to be. You’re doing fantastic, in my book. Just look at your own relationships as evidence.
January 20th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
Thanks everyone….I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I have her email address and that’s all. It seems so impersonal to email her.
January 20th, 2007 at 11:25 pm
I couldn’t read and not post. I’m glad you are who you are. The Queen of Spain said the rest.
January 21st, 2007 at 9:25 am
Wow!! I am amazed by all of the lame ass fathers out there. Mine included.
I haven’t seen mine in twenty years. He was not given the honor of walking me down the aisle–but I had a great fear he’d just show up to ruin the day…he didn’t.
Maybe your dream represented your comfort with just writing him off. Your way of saying good bye and being okay with it?
January 27th, 2007 at 10:41 am
Oh my, this could be my story right down to the same city. I have not spoken to my father in 5 years, up until recently he lived just 10 mins from me. I too have a half sister, although she has a relationship with my father. I think I have another 1/2 sister in Ottawa which my father has never claimed and I have never met which leaves me feeling a bit empty and wondering at times if I have family out there somewhere that I have no idea about. Imagine little neices and newphews that I will never know, a sister that I will never be able to share her joys and sorrows with.
When I lived in Montreal there was another woman that I was constantly being mistaken for, I would walk into the bank and the bank manager would say hello to me as if he knew me. People who knew me would swear they saw me on the street when I was not there. I never met my “twin” but always wondered if this was my sister and we were just missing each other by seconds. I also wondered if she heard the same stories I did. I will never know.
I do want to thank you for writing this post and Les for those wonderful pearls of wisdom. I am doing my best to just let go but people in my life including my husband keep trying to suck me back into that world of hurt and pain by pushing me to reach out. Why on earth would I want to keep reaching out to at person that does not care to see what a wonderful person I have become despite his best efforts to destroy my self-esteem?
So Sister you are not alone in your hurt and confusion, I think letting go of a parent is incredibly difficult thing to do and thus the dream.
February 7th, 2007 at 11:41 pm
[...] There was that dream about my Dad. That kinda messed me up royally. I just don’t want to sleep anymore. They both come to me, at intervals that suit them. Like ghosts, they float into my head, my life, like they always have and I just want to slam the door in their faces. [...]
February 13th, 2007 at 12:37 pm
[...] There was that dream about my Dad. That kinda messed me up royally. I just don’t want to sleep anymore. They both come to me, at intervals that suit them. Like ghosts, they float into my head, my life, like they always have and I just want to slam the door in their faces. [...]