Coming Undone
March 7, 2007
2 more pounds disappeared…and my skinny jeans fit again. Puzzled, but thrilled.
I got the lecture last night. Daren had been away the night before last and when he walked through the door last night, I was asleep. He could not wake me up for a good 10 minutes and even when I did wake up, I was back asleep before he finished his sentence. Exhaustion had taken over.
We talked a bit about what was going on, but the truth is, I can’t explain it without sounding like a crazy person. Thank God he knows I’m not. He held me tight, told me it would all be okay, loved me. Then he went to hockey.
I slept last night for 8 hours straight.
The food thing is a battle. Yesterday I had an apple, a bowl of Cheerios and a bit of turkey and sweet potato. I’m still drinking water and coffee, coffee, coffee. Addict? Oh yeah.
I’d like to say I’ll be okay. I’d like to say I will call the doctor. But I just don’t know much of anything anymore, and I don’t see the point. What am I going to say? I’m destroying myself, but damn I look good? Isn’t that part of being a woman?
I’m still me most of the time - still happy, funny, energetic. When the crashes come, that’s when I get all dark in my head and the silence is deafening. I’ve been blasting music here to feel something. I sing loud and long notes and my heart lifts. I dance to avoid falling to the floor.
Is it possible to feel alive and dead at the same time?
**I’m opening comments, but I swear to God if they look anything like my emails, I’ll turn it the fuck off.? Don’t kick a girl while she is down.? Telling me I’m a horrible mother in the midst of this makes you feel better?? Say it to your mirror.**?
March 7th, 2007 at 10:58 am
Who the EFF said you were a horrible mother? I’d like to kick their bloody teeth in! You are NOT a horrible mother, you’re a wonderful loving mother and any dickwad that tells you differently knows shit all. [Sorry for the language, I'm angry].
And everyone feels the way you feel now once in a while, even if they don’t admit it. I’ll admit it; I feel that way sometimes. Things will get better, don’t you worry. You should make that tasty crab dip stuff again! That will give you your appetite back! Damn that stuff was good and I hate seafood!
March 7th, 2007 at 11:33 am
i love you.
take care.
don’t listen to the naysayers.
March 7th, 2007 at 11:34 am
Sigh. I wish I knew what to say. But I don’t. Is it wrong that I wish I had the willpower to not eat? I have the opposite problem.
I don’t know what I can say to help, other than fuck those emails and the horse they rode in on.
March 7th, 2007 at 11:37 am
Man, people are whacked. Nutjobs take the time to send that shit to you??? Idiots.
Have you had your blood checked recently at all? Maybe you should hon. Get your butt to the doctor.
March 7th, 2007 at 11:39 am
I wish I was perfect and had all the answers. Then I could pass judgement on people and email them to say they are a bad parent when they are SO NOT.
But then, I would be an asshole like those who emailed you.
March 7th, 2007 at 11:44 am
Oh, I wish I could do/say something. I self-medicate with food, so I understand. It’s scary what we can do to ourselves to try and feel alive. It’s really scary.
You’re not alone…and you’re not crazy. Please feel free to reach out. I’m happy to listen.
March 7th, 2007 at 11:46 am
Someone actually emailed you shit like that? Please tell me they’re in the Midwest US so I can go kick them in teh face?
March 7th, 2007 at 12:07 pm
I love you Karen.
March 7th, 2007 at 12:11 pm
I’ve never had a problem with NOT eating. I have had a problem with eating and purging. It is all difficult and tied up in a place that is both difficult to explain and live.
But you will - you’ll live and you’ll explain.
I know many told me to go to the doctor, but what would a blood test tell me about an emotional issue? Mine was emotional.
I’m sorry you are receiving ugly emails.
March 7th, 2007 at 12:46 pm
I’m sorry you’re having a rough time. I think it’s good you’re writing about what happens rather than burying it inside. I don’t think there’s much I can say other than to remind you that those judgmental people are idiots with too much time on their hands. I’m sending you a virtual hug and hope for brighter days ahead.
March 7th, 2007 at 1:04 pm
Eating and not eating is a form of control. We learn it when we are young - ever see a baby refuse to eat his dinner only to shortly later chow down on crackers, puffs, cookies, whatever. It is the most primal control we have.
Women more than men have control issues expressed in the form of food. Hel, we’re more emotional by nature than they are. Plus, no one ever gives them shit about their weight. But we get crap about our weight and curves everyday - whether we’re too curvy or not curvy enough.
I agree that you should get a simple check up - just to add piece of mind that all is healthy. Eat what you wantm when you want. Take some vitamins, drink some juice, whatever, to get the essential vitamins.
Being tired is normal. You need to rest. Physically and emotionally.
And wear the hell out of your skinny jeans!!!
March 7th, 2007 at 1:32 pm
I’m telling you its those fucking Pussycat Dolls!!!!!!!! Bitches!I just want you to know that I love you lots and quite frankly I think that u are one hot biotch! I think we have all felt this way, some more than others but just remember that you are loved by many important people that will keep on loving you no matter what. Keep smiling and take care.
March 7th, 2007 at 1:43 pm
being a woman sucks. i have been where you are right now many, many times.
March 7th, 2007 at 1:47 pm
Deep breath in, Karen. Deep breath out. This too shall pass. You have a family that loves you and a man who is supportive…take this one day at a time, and maybe pop over to your doctor’s for a CBC just to be on the safe side.
xo
March 7th, 2007 at 2:00 pm
I agree 100% with Christina - food can easily be how we control our environment. You’ve had a lot of pressures lately, and they’re just culminating and expressing themselves in this way.
I would set a limit for yourself, set food aside and force yourself to eat it each day. It doesn’t have to be a ton of food or even high-calorie foods or whatever. But it sounds like you are eating, and that is good.
I would also set other limits for yourself - like “I won’t drop below a size ______ or this weight: ______.”
And if you do, maybe THEN you should go see a doctor.
* * * * * * * *
Also, wha? People are sending you emails about your parenting skills because of your personal weight issues? They suck. The end.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:03 pm
I’m perfect and I would never dream of sending you an email telling you that you’re a bad mom.
Seriously, though, I’ve had the thoughts that you’re having. Mine didn’t involve not eating, but rather not being able to see colors in the world. It wasn’t that there was a problem with my eyesight, I was just so down and out of it that I barely took the time to comprehend life.
It was a rough, rough spot to be in. I completely understand what you are going through right now. In retrospect I should have run, not walked, to the doctor. I was too proud (or whatever you want to call it) to do so at the time.
It will pass, but it will do so much less painfully if you get outside help. Much love to you.
March 7th, 2007 at 2:52 pm
You and I both know this has NOTHING to do with your being a mother, good, bad, or indiffent. This has to do with you, how you’re feeling about yourself and your surroundings. Not eating is a strong statement. You’re telling yourself that something is out of balance. It doesn’t matter what it is, but it does matter terribly that you get the balance back. Rough spots suck and we all go through them. But sometimes the spots are too rough to handle alone and that’s when you need to go for some help. Do it for your kids, do it for your husband, but mostly do it for yourself.
This isn’t about what you look like. This isn’t about what life choices you’re making. This is about something deeper, something that you need to address. Please, call your doctor. Do it for your family, for your friends, for your readers. But just do it. Because it’s fine to need some help every once in a while. It doesnt’ mean that you are week or bad. It means that you just need another viewpoint.
Call the doctor. Do it now. Take a deep breath, and then tell the office that it’s urgent. Because it is.
Hugs!
March 7th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
I would contact the Dr. Try and take care of yourself as best as possible. Don’t let ignorant emails get you down.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:37 pm
No lectures from me, just wanted you to know that I am here, I care, and if you ever want to talk, I’ll listen.
Or, perhaps some Second Life retail therapy? I could always use more lingerie *wink*
Mean people suck. People who feel the need to kick you when you are down suck even more. Take care of yourself, sweetie.
March 7th, 2007 at 3:47 pm
Why would someone tell you you are a bad mother? What does weight have to do with motherhood? But I am telling you again…thyroid…check your thyroid. I don’t have a thyroid, but when I was on too much medicine (which would be the same as if your thyroid was putting out too much stuff) I felt like super woman. I didn’t eat, dropped down to almost nothing and felt super human. And then I slept and was super tired, only to wake up and do it all over again. It was like a horrible roller coaster that I just couldn’t get off of. Good luck! I’ll be thinking of you!
March 7th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Karen, I am so sorry you are having to deal with this
I wish I knew how to help or what to do to help you believe the part of you that says you shouldn’t worry about your weight. You are so lucky that your hubby is so supportive and caring. And you are not a bad mother because you love your children and make sure they are safe and happy. You should go see your doctor just to make sure everything is okay beyond what you know. (((((((((((((((((((((Karen))))))))))))))))))
March 7th, 2007 at 4:05 pm
Self-sabotage is the worst and most insidious kind of sabotage.
Have you considered that you could be punishing yourself over your son’s illness that could have been worse but thankfully wasn’t and now that he’s in the clear and back to normal you have to keep kicking yourself in the teeth for something that wasn’t even an issue (but that scared the crap out of you while it was still in the air). Because your own mom controlled you through food (fat people are gross) and now you’re doing the same to yourself?
I’m sorry for getting all arm-chair shrink but I am the hands-down title holding Queen of all things self-destructive, in obvious and not-so obvious ways, when things far beyond my control occur and this smells remarkably familiar.
Take care of yourself, Karen. You’re worth it.
March 7th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
Just wanted to pop in and voice my empathy and support for you, Karen. I also have issues around food, but tend to over do it instead of under do it myself. I also have some intimate experience with depression and the dark clouds that can descend. It’s been a while since I’ve felt them looming, but reading your post reminds me of how tough it can be, how hopeless things can FEEL sometimes. Whether or not they ARE is inconsequential.
You have been handling a lot lately, and it’s no wonder that you’re sinking a bit. You are still eating, and that’s promising. I would heed the advice of others here and just do a little check in with your doctor to make sure there isn’t any physical reason for the lack of appetite. If you can’t manage it for yourself, ask your husband to make the appointment for you. And keep writing about it so that, even if the comments are closed, those that care about you and feel a kinship to you in our journeys as women can send you their love and encouragement and prayers and good thoughts energetically. Hang in there.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:04 pm
Nothing much to add except that I’m reading, sending good vibes your way, and wishing karma on judgmental bastards with email accounts.
March 7th, 2007 at 5:11 pm
You open your heart and pour out your problems and some one has the nerve to email you that you are a bad mother? What an asshat.
I had a simular thing happen to me, and I finally worked up the nerve to visit the doctor. It was one of the hardest things to do - voice my problems to a stranger, but I am glad I did.
Go to a doctor, just to get checked out - what if this is an indicator of a larger problem?
March 7th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
Karen, I love you.
Get to a doctor, before it gets worse.
Hugs and kisses.
March 7th, 2007 at 7:53 pm
No lectures here. I’ve recently found your blog. I rarely comment anywhere, but I’ve been in a very similar place. The place where hunger pains feel good, feel like control and power.
Be careful sister. Be careful
March 7th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
Take care - am thinking a good thought for you.
March 8th, 2007 at 1:29 am
Hello dear, sweet Karen-
I started a new job and have had my internet time greatly diminished so it’s been a few week since I’ve visited you. You even linked to me in a post and I missed it! (Thank you, BTW. What an honor!)
Anywho, enough about me. I’m so sad you’re not feeling well. There has already been some great advice here, so I’ll just say I love you, SO MANY PEOPLE love you, and you deserve happiness. You have a beautiful body that has birthed and nourished two children and it’s the only one you get. Selfishly, for all of us that love you, please be nice to it!
I’ll be thinking of you and hoping this all passes.
March 8th, 2007 at 9:07 am
I wish I had something useful to say. I hope you find the resolve and/or support to stop self-harming. No one I’ve ever talked to who has an eating disorder has ever told me that it passes. I could encourage you to talk to your doctor, but it doesn’t sound like you’re ready too, yet. Right now, you’re conciously making a choice to do this to yourself and right now, the pay off is obviously stronger than your desire to eat healthy. I don’t think anyone can change that for you except you.
I wish society didn’t value thin so much that women did this to themselves. I wish self-hatred wasn’t so second nature to women. I wish I had the magic answer to help you so that you didn’t feel this was worth it.
Good luck, best wishes and I hope that if this is some external manifsetation of an internal thing that you manage to find out and sort out your internal thing (eloquence be damned).
March 8th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Everything is going to be okay. Try to make sure that when you can eat it is healthy stuff and it will be okay. Your appetite will come back.
Please do call the doctor.
As much as I understand (and I totally understand. I’ve done this to myself many times) you are in your skinny jeans already. Now it’s time.
March 8th, 2007 at 12:08 pm
Karen, I’ve been watching the comments and most are dead on. Some are a little haughty - but whatever. Everyone has their own opinions and we don’t all have to agree.
I wanted to add to my previous comment …
I am a diabetic (Type 1) so I am very familar with the guidelines for eating. Intimately familar!! For years and years. And I’ve spent over the last decade working in healthcare.
You say you ate an apple, cheerios (I assume with milk), turkey, and sweet potatoe.
For a woman, average frame, calorie consumption should be between 1600-2200 calories per day.
The lastest reports say a balanced diet should consist of 2 cups fruits, 3 cups veggies, 7 oz grains, 6 oz meat & beans, etc, 3 cups milk & chees, etc, and 6 teaspoons oils, butter, etc.
Most of us eat way-more than what the recommendations call for.
Can anyone say “DRIVE THRU” dinners?
Sure, your calories are a little light and it sounds like your activity is up … but that is the correct way to loose weight.
Take in less, burn more. (Make sure you are staying hydrated and remember that caffeine liquids don’t count!)
Then your skinny jeans fit!
Make sure you are eating healthy foods rather than the crap that the rest of us are snacking on while we read your posts …
Make sure you are healthy - get to the MD for a standard check up (and Tori is right about getting your thyroid checked to be safe!!!) -
And deal with the emotional issues in whatever manner works for you!
You have an outstanding support network that is ready to listen when you are ready to talk.
There are friends who will listen & hug; and if you need anonymity, there are always professionals who will listen.
You have a husband that is supportive and two darling boys that adore you.
You’ll love yourself more when you are ready.
That which doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
March 8th, 2007 at 1:48 pm
I’m just sitting here thinking of what YOU would say to any friend of yours who was in your shoes right now. You’d be a lioness. You’d be ready to tear somebody a new one. You’d be full of indignation that someone hurt your friend. And you’d say all the right things to that friend, and make sure they’d take care of themselves…say those things to yourself now. Be as good a friend to yourself as you are to others. You are a beautiful person. Nobody can take that away from you with stupid *words.*
Love.
March 8th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
I don’t know what to say. I am not a therapist or a doctor and you’ve already gotten a ton of advice above that seems to be very good. Just wanted you to know I will always be here, reading and listening. Someone told me once to keep telling myself “I Am Loveable and Capable.” Well, you are too.
March 8th, 2007 at 3:58 pm
I can’t think of anything wise or eloquent to say, but know that I’m here for you if you need it. I recommend going to a doctor, just to rule out physical problems, before looking into if your lack of appetite is something emotionally based.
In the meantime, when you do eat, keep eating healthy, and try to pick foods that are more calorically dense.
When I was younger, I toyed with the idea of eating practically nothing to lose weight. I can’t even think about it now, or my husband would sit on me and force feed me. He lost his mother to an eating disorder when he was 18, and so he’s very sensitive about issues with food. I’m in no way saying that’s what is going on with you, but I hope you’ll get things checked out with the doc just to make sure you’re healthy.
*hugs* You’re a strong woman. I know you’ll do what’s best for yourself and your family. Just look at the strength you showed in quitting smoking!
March 8th, 2007 at 4:59 pm
Damn, I know those feelings. Thinking of you. Take it easy, babe.
March 8th, 2007 at 9:13 pm
Karen - first of all let me offer a big huge virtual hug. I’m not sure why people would tell you that you are a bad mother. Perhaps it makes them feel better because they are inadequate.
Maybe you can relate to this…for me food can be such a control issue when life is completely out of control. Depression often plays a big role in the game as well. I’ve been in that cycle where I’ve been depressed…everything seemed out of control and food was one thing I could control.
Except…
I couldn’t see I was doing it.
When the weight came off and my jeans fit better the less I ate because well…hell…I looked good which pseudo-helped the depression.
It turned into an ugly and unhealthy cycle.
You recognize what’s happening so you are half way there to a solution. I hope you talk to someone who can help
March 8th, 2007 at 10:44 pm
Be well.
March 9th, 2007 at 1:28 am
I think you rock so incredibly hard and I admire the hell out of you. You are loved.
March 9th, 2007 at 10:08 am
Love you, sweetheart. I think a trip to the doctor’s office might be advised, just to make sure there isn’t a health reason behind your sudden loss of appetite.
March 9th, 2007 at 10:28 am
Hey,
I’ll be praying for you. We can’t let anything happen to our fave Canuckle head.
Let us know what the doc says, and tell naysayers to bite you.
March 9th, 2007 at 10:43 am
whoa, your entry could have been written by me 1.5 years ago. I had no appetite and was dropping weight like crazy. In some ways it sucked, because I knew something was really wrong, but in some ways it felt so good, and so prideful. I had trouble shopping because the size 2s were too small. Doesn’t that just make you want to kick me? And the thing is, I wanted you to want that, because if you were hating me for being so tiny, maybe you wouldn’t notice that I was completely and totally losing my shit, just falling apart at the seams. The food thing was totally symptomatic, rather than the cause of the problem. I would sit there and look at food and tell myself to eat it, but I couldn’t. I used caffeine (Coca Cola) in place of food. When I did eat, I felt like I would get sick. One day I ate a tiny meal and then was clinging to the toilet, sure I would get sick. I never did, but something just broke in me and I started to sob. I just broke down right there on the bathroom floor and admitted to myself that I needed some help, because I clearly couldn’t handle this on my own. Long story short, I got therapy, got some meds, made some other changes and while food issues still rear their ugly heads sometimes (I still have issues eating on trips, etc), things are so, so much better. And they will get that way for you- I promise. You can get through this and you are a strong woman and a great mother! Just keep holding on.
March 9th, 2007 at 11:24 am
Hang in there . I have been in this strange and awful place. Please contact your Dr. and hanve them check your thyoid, it can cuase exhaustion, weight loss, depression all sorts of things. And ignore the people who need to give a life.
March 9th, 2007 at 2:15 pm
Dear sweet Karen Rani — I know we don’t know each other all that well, but I adore you and all that you bring to the blogosphere. Whether it be design creativity, fantastic and witty advice or just plain nods of the head to show you’ve been in our shoes — I think you’re amazing.
I cannot say I know how you feel because I’d be lying, but I can say something similar is going on (well except weight loss). I just blogged these things, too. And even though I don’t wish anyone to go through stuff like this, it’s good to know that others are feeling similar.
Please know I’m here for you if you ever need me.
Love you –
Dana
March 9th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
I want to say something but don’t know what to say. Please take care of yourself. Don’t try to tackle this on your own. You’ve had to carry so much, let someone give you a hand now.
March 9th, 2007 at 3:02 pm
I don’t know what to say (hence why I haven’t emailed), but want you to know I’m thinking of you. I hope you can figure out what is going on and know where to find someone to help.
I wish I could say or do something profound to help. I’m here if you ever need an ear.
March 9th, 2007 at 9:51 pm
I would give you a virtual hug but it’s so fucking cheesy that I might make you throw up and I think that’s the last thing you need right now.
So instead, I’ll just think nice, happy, non-vomit-inducing thoughts for you. Does that work?
March 9th, 2007 at 10:36 pm
I think it’s a control thing, too, I’ve gotten that way when I felt overweight (and I wasn’t even, at the time!) and it sucks. But 16 pounds in a week, NO! that’s too much and you are not eating enough everyday. That’s very HARD on your body, you need to get to a doctor.
You sound depressed, too, honey-pie. Really, do you have a doctor you can talk to about both these things? Mind and body? They go together, you know.
March 10th, 2007 at 10:05 am
Been there. Done that. You don’t want to be hospitalized. It’s just not fun.
That said, you have more balls than I to write this in public. Thank you for reminding me that I’m not alone either.
March 10th, 2007 at 10:20 pm
*hugs* Karen.
Thank you for being so open and honest. I wish there were more people like you. Some people (like myself) need to know that there are others in similar positions, it helps us (me) cope.
You’re in my thoughts.