A Four Letter Mindfuck
March 12, 2007
I spent last night talking with Erin, a.k.a. Queen of Spain. Do you have any idea how amazing it is to have someone in your life that you can say absolutely anything to, and she won’t laugh at you, judge you or call you a complete nutjob? It’s nice. Thank you so much Erin.
Even with Daren, I hold back a lot of what I’m feeling because that’s how I roll. I’m afraid that if I puke up all the bad, he will run for the hills, screaming and flailing his arms in desperation. Let’s face it, he’s normal. He was raised by normal parents, in a normal home, with normal normal normal being spoon-fed to him and normal normal normal seeping from every pore. We’ve been married nine years this July, and I still feel as though I’m not good enough for him in all his royal normalcy.
I know this is my own problem. I know that I cannot change who brought me into this world, or how I was raised. I know that I have overcome many odds and been blessed with a wonderful family and complete set of normal in-laws who love me and accept me in all my dysfunction.
A friend recently emailed me, saying it’s as though I’ve flipped a switch and begged to know what was going on. I wrote back that I wish I knew. I wish I knew, goddammit.
So without holding back, I’m going to get into what I really really think. The following may be hard for my family to take, but I have to get this out or I may explode and never recover. So if you’re someone who loves me, and/or someone in my family and you want to know what the fuck is wrong with me, lend me your ear and for God’s sake, don’t judge me on this.
When Daren and I were dating, I lived with several (male and female) roommates in different places we rented, and the bunch of people I hung out with included both guys and girls. We were a pretty tight bunch, no drama, many parties and we shared everything from toothpaste to meals, tears and laughter. These people were very much my family considering at the time, I did not have contact with any of my actual family.
At some point, the group started to grow up and move on as people do, and one of the guys and I ended up renting an apartment together, with separate rooms. Him and I got along well and though he was a bit of a chauvinist pig at times, he was overall a nice guy and I obviously trusted him enough to live with him. His best friend was a shy, but good looking guy and we partied together a few times, me often with girlfriends and the two guys, whatever. Young people hitting bars and looking out for each other, you know the type. These guys were like big brothers and I was sure if I had ever been put in a situation I didn’t like, they would have been there in a heartbeat to help me out.
So one night, roommate, best friend and I hit one of the clubs and danced the night away. We shared a cab, came home and the two boys went to roommate’s room, and I went to bed. I was more than a little tipsy that night and took a couple of Tylenol and kept a bottle of water beside my bed, knowing I’d want it in the night.
I fell asleep.
Roommates Best Friend woke me up some time later, his hand over my mouth, his breath hissing in my ear to be quiet. He was in bed with me. Naked. Keep in mind I was dating my future husband. I froze.
I FROZE.
If I could relive the whole thing, goddammit, I would not have froze.
He raped me. The shy best friend of my trusted roommate raped me. And I lay there and let it happen.
I never fully dealt with this. I never understood why I froze. I never understood why he did it. I will never know if my roommate knew because I completely blocked it from my brain. I really don’t think he had any idea, and if he did, he didn’t show it.
I’ve been thinking about it a lot recently. About that night. About my behaviour at the bar, which truthfully I don’t remember, but I was a flirtatious young thing then and I’m sure the dancing and the eye contact just got to be too much for him.
Yes, I’ve read and seen a bazillion magazine articles and t.v.shows telling me that it wasn’t my fault. But me being the kind of person who likes to be in control, I can’t help but think I could have changed something, prevented it.
Still. Why is this coming up now?
Well, here’s my silly theory:
Once I got pregnant with Dylan, I gained 60 pounds. I lost 40 after he was born and kept it off for some time. Since I’ve been married, I’ve been very skittish about any male giving me any sort of attention, so I think part of me wants to be bigger, as sort of a protection mechanism.
So now that I’ve lost 26 pounds by starving, my mind is confused and I’m not sure what the hell I want. Part of me wants to be attractive again, if only for my husband and my own health. Part of me feels as though the only way to get there is the hard way, to destroy myself in the process (punishment for allowing the rape to happen??). Part of me is battling images of my mother yelling at me for eating. Part of me is literally dying to be a MILF.
I have good reason to believe I’m not alone in this. And so I keep writing.
March 12th, 2007 at 11:05 am
You are brave. You are battling it now by writing. And hear me…IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.
Now. That aside.
You are taking care of it. For your family. For yourself. That makes you 10 steps ahead of the game.
Don’t stop now.
March 12th, 2007 at 11:16 am
I second what QofS wrote. Seriously, you are not alone. I don’t know you in real life, but I love you for what you have written. If there is anything I can do to help, please let me know!
March 12th, 2007 at 11:35 am
It’s not your fault. You’re not alone.
March 12th, 2007 at 12:15 pm
Ok, first thought in my mind, MOTHER-FUCKER! If I could find that man…Drawing and quartering is too good for him. It was not your fault in ANY way, but you know that.
Freezing up? Maybe to save your life! Many of woman does not fight back - it doesn’t mean you were o.k. with it, it means you were doing what you had to do to survive.
Second thought…Karen is the BRAVEST woman I know. THE ABSOLUTE BRAVEST.
March 12th, 2007 at 12:38 pm
You are a damn brave woman for living through that and being willing to talk about it now.
IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. I totally understand your desire to be attractive and fear to be so.
When I was in high school I accepted a ride home from a boy I sort of knew. To this day, I worry that I asked for what happened. That I led him on. Crap I was 15. Now my brain knows better. That doesn’t mean that the 15 year old inside of me doesn’t still feel bad about it. Can you imagine? Feeling bad about being violated?! You are so not alone. We all handle these things the only way we know how.
I wish I could be there to give you a huge hug. I am in awe of the strength you show by reaching out for help.
March 12th, 2007 at 12:56 pm
You are not alone. You are understood. You are not at fault. You are reacting absolutely within reason to a repressed memory of rape.
If you feel you can, call your local rape center. it doesn’t matter how long ago the incident is, or was, they’ll talk to you and help you.
You are very brave.
March 12th, 2007 at 1:42 pm
Nope, it wasn’t your fault. And unfortunately, you’re not alone. Yet…fortunately, you’re not alone.
I think your theory has merit. I do. I think you might be on to something with the thought that you used food/weight as a protection mechanism, and also with the idea of destroying yourself as punishment.
I feel that before you can more forward with anything, you have to allow yourself to forgive yourself for being raped. I know and she knows and he knows and the blog world knows it wasn’t your fault, but that doesn’t matter. What matters is that you, Karen, thinks that it’s your fault. So you need to forgive yourself before you can move on. I think that, right now, that is what you need to focus on. One thing at a time, and I think that besides seeing your doctor, self-forgiveness should be at the top of your list.
Perhaps consider mentioning this to your doctor, if you have a comfortable relationship with him/her, and ask if you could be referred to a therapist. I’ve seen the same therapist for about nine years now and I’d be lost without her.
Hang in, Karen. You know where I am if you want to talk.
March 12th, 2007 at 1:51 pm
Karen, I’m so proud of you for naming it - that can be the hardest thing, putting a name to it. Saying aloud that you’ve been sexually abused.
From someone who has lived through it, several times over, know that you’re not alone. And be prepared that if you DO want to deal with it, it will probably get worse before it gets better. Unfortunately.
I’ve been through years of private counseling and for the past year I’ve been in a group recovery class. This year I’m leading a class. It’s just as hard and just as intense.
If you want to talk, I’m here. Know that you’re not alone.
March 12th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
not. alone.
and while i can’t relate exactly to what you are going through…i have definitely had my share of starving myself to be hot…
March 12th, 2007 at 2:58 pm
Ugh, I hate hearing horror stories like that because I just wish I could protect you from what has already happened. You have real courage, acknowledging all of this here. Very brave thing to do.
And for what it’s worth, you’re a total MILF.
March 12th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
I’m delurking to say, I’m sorry, so very sorry that this happened to you.
I wish you the strength to deal with this and admire your courage to get it all out there.
March 12th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
I’m sorry that you went thru that. It’s not your fault, but it’s also not always easy to believe that.
I wanted to thank you for writing all of this. It’s been…I don’t know what the word is, comforting? good? Something. It’s helped me, that’s all I know. So, thank you.
March 12th, 2007 at 4:39 pm
It feels weird to read other people hoping for you, wishing you the best and wanting to help but they’re faceless people behind computers, right? They don’t really know you and you don’t know most of them well enough to take them up on any offer of help.
What an amazing thing to have so many people, that you will likely never meet, care for you and truly hope that things get better.
We all have faith in you.
March 12th, 2007 at 4:41 pm
I am glad that you are talking about this. You need to deal with all aspects of the situation, get it out there, get closure and move on. Not worth having something that happened so long ago drain your energy today. You are a good person and deserve the best.
March 12th, 2007 at 5:13 pm
You did NOTHING to make him hurt you. NOTHING.
Rape is never about sex, and is ALWAYS about power. He saw you having fun, and saw a power about you–and he took it from you. That simple, and that devastatingly complicated.
Hang in there until you can see the pros and this amateur will hug the stuffin’ outta ya in the meantime.
March 12th, 2007 at 6:24 pm
It’s not your fault and you can’t have “done something different.” HE could have, but not you. It’s a control thing for men like that, because they are sick.
I would think that’s probably a pretty common reaction, to “freeze” ? Out of shock or out of not wanting to be hit or worse.
March 12th, 2007 at 6:28 pm
*hugs* I am on the verge of tears reading your post. I don’t even know what to say. I am so very sorry that you’ve been living with this for so long. I am so sorry that this happened to you.
You are a brave, brave woman. So brave and very strong Karen! I couldn’t even imagine what it would take to write something like that, and yet you have done it so well.
*HUGE virtual hugs*
March 12th, 2007 at 6:46 pm
Hi Karen,
I, like Boliath, have been lurking for quite some time now.
I have decided to finally come out the of the shadows to share my thoughts.
You and I met some time ago and had a nice conversation that lasted an hour, maybe an hour and a half. It was on “date night” if that helps. I thoroughly enjoyed your company. We shared stories, laughs, even a few tears in that short amount of time. Obviously your company left a lasting impression with me, as I am still here, loyally reading your blog every day after what may be a year or more. (I can’t remember).
Karen you are a complete inspiration. In that short amount of time that we talked, I learned a lot about you. I learned that you put up with a lot of hell (to put it lightly) as a child/young adult. I also learned that despite that, or maybe because of that, you have become an extremely strong and wonderful woman.
I found myself sitting next to the most loving and understanding mother. I have never felt more love radiate from a mother than I felt from you within that hour. I could tell you love those kids to pieces, and that they couldn’t find a better mother in this world if they tried.
I found myself siting beside someone who has worked hard to get what they want in life, and is not afraid to jump into challenges. You took a personal hobby and turned it into an impressive and flourishing business. Not only that, but you’ve been raising two kids while doing this. Unbelievable.
I found myself sitting next to someone full of confidence. You were glowing with confidence Karen. Confidence in yourself as a mother, a wife, and a friend. It was more than evident that you are happy in life, content with who you are.
Obviously through reading your blog, I have discovered that you don’t exactly feel as good as I originally thought about yourself.
But if I may make a comment…you can’t fake being wonderful, Karen. The person I met that day may not be the person you see when you look in the mirror, but it is the person you are. All of the negative aspects you see in your self and in your life do not make you who you are. They may shape your own image of yourself, but that is about as far as it goes.
Anyone can tell from reading your blog just how strong you really are. And how wonderful you are.
Please Karen, allow yourself to see that wonderful you. Allow yourself to see a person who deserves all of the happiness in the world. Allow yourself to let go of your feelings of guilt for that horrific act. Admit that you have the strength to get through anything. Look what you have accomplished thus far. You are good at getting through BS, no matter how bad it gets. It may even be your special talent haha. Seriously though, you can do this. You’ve done it before.
I said in the beginning that I was inspired by you the day I met you. I mean every word of that. If I end up being half of the mother, wife, friend, and person you are, I know I will be successful in all aspects of life.
I have had some tough situations to deal with in my short life, issues that don’t even compare to what you have gone through. I know that if you can be the person you are, I can make it too.
My sentiments have only been solidified as I learn more and more about you with each of your entries.
What you see as weaknesses, I only view as strengths. You have battles that you fight every day, but you always come out on top. And you will prevail again.
I believe in you, and I know for a fact that I am one among many.
Take care.
March 12th, 2007 at 7:07 pm
As someone who has been in your shoes, I know it was not your fault. You must say it out loud: “It was not my fault” Say it.
“It was not my fault” Say it again.
“IT WAS NOT MY FAULT” Say it again and again until YOU believe it.
March 12th, 2007 at 7:35 pm
Karen, we have such similiar histories, its scary. The pain we carry gets to be too much at times, and anger builds up, with me, knowing I will never be able to do anything about it. He was a football player and very strong..I thought he would hurt me…I wished I had the boldness and the strength to have done something about it..
I later saw him sitting sitting outside a movie theatre, with that stupid look on his face……as I walked out of the mall with my husband..who knows the story…I feel that life will deal him a bad deck of cards…and am hoping so..I choose to live and realize the past is the past and I can’t let it cloud my life with my husband and child..I learned that from my mothers behaviors..I had to accept that I can’t change the bad stuff..but the true meaning of motherhood is to show our children, we are strong and though we bend at times with the strongs winds..we will not break..our loved ones need us..and I will be damned if I let that punk ruin the rest of my life..I gave him too much already…not my life…
Hugs and know you are never alone with those feelings..ever!!!
March 12th, 2007 at 7:41 pm
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I’m glad to see you have a lot of support here.
You are brave, and what happened is not your fault.
March 12th, 2007 at 8:07 pm
I can’t even find the words to say how sorry I am you went through that. Above all else it was not your fault. He made the choice to do something so unspeakable and cruel. He is the one who will have to face what he did some day. Wether it is here or in front of God. Keep that in mind.
March 12th, 2007 at 8:22 pm
I don’t know what to say that hasn’t already been said. Just wanted to let you know you aren’t alone.
March 12th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
amazing what we keep hidden to protect the ones we love.
keep giving it voice Karen.
I wish I could make those 218 hours dissappear.
March 12th, 2007 at 10:50 pm
You are not alone.
My fat is my shield.
Keep talking. Keep writing.
March 12th, 2007 at 11:50 pm
I am with Gretchen. You are not alone. My 50 extra pounds keeps me safe, too. I know the routine. I shouldn’t have talked to him. I shouldn’t have let him come over when no one else was home. I should have said “no” more times. I should have done something, anything else.
I am so proud of you for being brave enough to feel it. I know it can’t be good to feel it but maybe once you do it will lose its power, you know? I hope.
March 13th, 2007 at 9:55 am
Geeez Karen. I’m so sorry you had such a horrible (understatement) thing like that happen to you.
You are on the right path now though, starting to get it out there.
Now stop being mad at yourself, and get mad at HIM. Seriously.
Baby steps.
*hugs*
March 13th, 2007 at 9:58 am
I’m sorry I wasn’t up that night to be there for you too, we love you Karen.
March 13th, 2007 at 11:18 am
Oh Karen, I’m so sorry that happened to you. It was def NOT your fault, it was that disgusting pigs fault! You did what most people in your situation do, so there is no reason to be ashamed, none at all.
I love you Karen, and I’m so amazed at how brave and wonderful you are! You always say I’m brave, but I’m nothing compared to you. You’ve been through so much and despite all you’re still NORMAL, even though you think you aren’t. You are so far from being a whack job, so don’t even worry about it!
I’m here for you big sister, and I love you! We all do!
March 13th, 2007 at 11:30 am
I’m in awe of you for writing and sharing this. You are incredibly brave. While it obviously doesn’t change what happened to you, it is a step in the ‘process’… As someone who knows, it’s something that is always with you, so I’m not sure how much healing I believe in. While you know it’s not your fault, I know that there are so many other issues that arise from it. I thought I had dealt with it, and now, over ten years later, I think I see issues surfacing now that I haven’t been able to admit to myself. Talking about it has definitely helped me ‘heal,’ but I know it is unfortunately something that is always going to be with me.
But like many others have said, you are strong strong strong, and you will get through this. Good luck with everything.
March 13th, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Karen, you have to forgive yourself. Even though you know and I know and all of your friends and readers and family know it was NOT your fault — until you forgive yourself for freezing, you will have a difficult time getting over this.
Forgive yourself. You did what you had to do at the time. Hindsight is always 20/20. Looking back now, you still want to fight that man. You want to scream and cry and fight back. And you have every right. What happened to you is something that will take time to heal. You cannot make it go away or get over it by pushing a button.
I will not say I know what you went through, but at age 18, my boyfriend at the time threw me out of a moving vehicle because he thought I “allowed” his friend to hit on me. I simply discussed basketball with him. It was almost exactly 10 years ago, during March Madness and we were talking brackets. My boyfriend became enraged on the way home and pushed me out of his truck. I never pressed charges, I was so afraid, so embarrassed. I thought I did something wrong. I thought I could have prevented what happened had I never spoken to his friend.
I suffered emotionally for years after that, I often deliberately shut out people in my life. It wasn’t until I met my husband that he sat down and listened to what happened and told me to forgive myself. I thought he was crazy, but he stood by me, he loved me, he told me to forgive myself. And I did. And I vowed to never be a pushover again.
It takes a lot of courage to share your story and I’m so very proud of you. You are so strong, do you know that? Even though you may think you aren’t you are. By addressing it, you’ve taken the first step.
My thoughts are with you. You’ll get through it. You have our support.
March 13th, 2007 at 2:14 pm
Hey Karen. so. not. alone. lived through a not dis-similar experience .. well not “a” .. several … and i have definite eating issues that i am sure are at least partially linked. i gained major weight after my experiences and i think it was that “safety padding”, the not wanting to be attractive or “asking for it” (and i KNOW, i KNOW!!! but logic and subconsious are totally different things!). you may want to look at http://www.sacl.ca/ -> I went through there & it definitely helped a LOT in dealing with some of that crap. I think being brave enough to write about it is HUGE - it sounds like you’re already making connections on your own.
I haven’t been able to read through all the comments at the moment - I’m thinking crying at work = not a good thing …. but I can see at a glance that several have shared & my heart goes out to all.
Karen, I wish I knew what else to say … I’m glad you have awesome freinds & an awesome hubby and hope figuring things out won’t be too painful.
March 13th, 2007 at 2:22 pm
You made my breath catch when I read what he did to you. I can’t say anything to you that hasn’t already been said, other than to say I’m glad you put this out here for all of us to read. If you reach one person, ONE, it will help her know she’s not alone.
I’ll be thinking of you.
March 13th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
Me, too. Me fucking too.
My being overweight is what keeps me unattractive to the attacking sort. Or so I believe after what happened the night of my junior prom. Isn’t it interesting how there are some of us who think our appearance and/or weight has/had anything to do with it when it’s a product of a person so fucked up they felt okay enough in their own head to push themselves on a woman?
And freezing up? You did WHATEVER it took to survive. You’re alive today because of it. Not your fault. Not your fault. NOT YOUR FAULT.
Keep writing, sweetie.
March 13th, 2007 at 8:52 pm
Very brave and very honest, wow you are incredible and as everyone else said, NOT YOUR FAULT. Been there with the food issue although for other reasons. When you can’t feel after stuffing everything down for so long how can you feel hungry? You’re on the right path. Stay strong, you’ll get through this, you have so much support. The sunshine is on the way and although not a cure will help.
March 13th, 2007 at 9:06 pm
Not. your. fault. Not at all. Little can prepare someone for being in a situation like that. The shock alone can make anyone freeze up.
My fat is a protection for me. As a young child, I was molested by my babysitter’s teenage grandson, and instead of hating the guy who forced me to grow up too soon, I grew up hating myself and still fight my own sexuality. Feeling pretty or sexual makes me feel guilty and sick with myself. I think it’s why I sabotage my weight loss efforts every single time.
You went through something awful, and like so many of us, you internalized the pain, anger, and confusion instead of turning it outwards to the asshole who deserves the punishment instead. Isn’t it crazy how we turn all that negativity on ourselves instead of the person we should unleash it on?
Luckily, you have a large support network, and we’re all here for you. I hope you can heal from this and find happiness in yourself.
March 13th, 2007 at 9:23 pm
Thank you for sharing this. Thank You.
March 13th, 2007 at 11:37 pm
He tried, but he couldn’t steal your soul. And now you’re giving birth to yourself.
Judge you? I sure do: You’re a survivor and a leader. Look at all of us you’ve helped by telling us your truth.
Bravo.
March 14th, 2007 at 10:19 am
I can only echo the words of support from others and stand in awe of the sheer numbers of people who have stated that they have been through something similar.
In my mind, just telling your story is a form of fighting back.
March 14th, 2007 at 10:30 am
To Lisse:
The numbers ARE astounding. One in FOUR women are victims of sexual or physical abuse; One in FIVE men.
And those are just the ones who report it.
March 14th, 2007 at 6:52 pm
I will echo things said here. Tell your doctor. Talk about this.
And, you survived. You are here, pouring out your heart and in pain, but you survived. Do you know how strong and brave you are? You have carried on, nurtured a marriage and children.
Survival IS fighting back. He took something from you but you are still here. He did not destroy you.
“Pain shared is halved. Joy shared is doubled.”
March 14th, 2007 at 9:19 pm
Yep, you’re not alone. To stay fat protects us, it makes us undesirable. Sadly though, 80 year old women & even nuns are raped. Something similar happened to me when I was about 16 & it’s only been in the past 5 years I’ve realized I was raped. I think we try to rationalize “why”, as though there is a rational reason.
You are brave. You brought this up & undoubtedly you are going to help at least 1 person who has been raped, but has never told anybody. (I’ve never talked about it in real life, nor have I on my blog) I feel shame & embarrassment about it; I also feel responsible. So, while I sit here & think you shouldn’t feel as you do, I feel the same.
I think we’re on the right path.
March 15th, 2007 at 12:08 am
I never thought I’d talk about this on the net, not in blog form, but I guess I’m going to have to now. I just finished an excruciating one about my own abuse as a child. What happened was SO NOT your fault! You froze? I know I froze. Time slows down, you can’t believe it is happening, especially when it’s someone you KNOW for god’s sakes.
There is no why, except that the rapist himself only knows…it’s a control thing or so I’ve been told a zillion times. I don’t know, I do know that it can be gotten through. I spent years taking anti depressants to keep the “bad thoughts” at bay. SOmetimes I still feel it. It happened when I was 19 and I’m almost 38 now. But I still remember the friggin DATE it happened, I remember what I was even wearing….how to forget? I don’t think I ever will, but growing older, the pain lessens, the thoughts get further away. Until I met my current husband, June 1 was the worst day of my life…it was the day I had an abortion (the bastard that raped me also got me pregnant while I was on the pill). That issue is a whole other thing in my life as well, but I felt I had no other choice, as it was I felt my life was ruined.
I met my husband (second and current) on June 1 ‘04, and since then the nightmares have gone away. he saved me. Perhaps it’s just my attitude and deciding that I wanted to do more than just survive, I wanted to truly LIVE. And now I am *smiles* . Being happy can be very hard at times, no matter how good things are in ones life.
Therapy, if you are choosing that route may be very helpful, it was for me. I too didn’t get therapy for many years because I was ashamed. THere is NO shame in what you cannot help. Take care and may God bless you.
March 15th, 2007 at 7:30 am
Th statistics for rape/sexual abuse of females, including children, are staggering. One in five women will be a victim of it. Twenty percent. I, personally, know several women who have been raped and I, myself was the near-victim of a sexual predator at a hotel when I was nine. I got away but I shudder to think what might have happened if I hadn’t. All of this to say that you are not alone. You are not to blame. You would never think that of another woman so don’t think it of yourself.
March 15th, 2007 at 8:46 am
it is not your fault. no matter if you flirted with him or not. it is not your fault. it was about control. him controlling you. something similar happened to me and i froze too. it’s a defense mechanism. do not blame yourself. it is not your fault.
March 15th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
You said you keep thinking that you could have prevented it, which sounds like you’re taking some blame even though you know it’s not your fault. Maybe you don’t know - in your heart - that it wasn’t your fault?
It wasn’t.
Asking questions like, “What could I have done to prevent it? Why did I let it happen?” are not the right questions because you will never know the answers. You’ll drive yourself crazy asking them.
The right questions are, what are you going to do now? Because that’s the only part that matters. Your life is important, you are important, and there are plenty of people who love you and that is what is important right now.
I wish you much luck with this. I hope you feel better.