Falling in Love Again For The First Time
March 18, 2007
Friday night, Daren and I made dinner together and then went to see Premonition. It was a great movie, but bring Kleenex. I won’t give away anything but it shook me. When we got in the car, I broke down. Hard. I finally admitted to him that I was not okay, which really, he knew.
After getting home and paying the sitter, we snuggled up together on the couch and I spilled my guts. All these things I have been feeling, all these things that have consumed the old me and held me underwater these last few weeks, everything came out. I had what Oprah calls, the “ugly cry” for about an hour.? I told him he needs to protect me from myself, from the starvation and insomnia, and steer the ship for a while. It was the most amazing talk I’ve had with anyone over this. All these things I’ve suppressed for so long are coming out, even though I thought I’d dealt with them years ago. But just like the kids’ toybox, there’s only so much you can push down before the whole thing explodes Legos and Little People in your face.? The most beautiful thing after that though?? Daren feeding me strawberries in bed.? I’m so in love with that boy.? (Don’t tell him I told you.)
So Wednesday at the doctor’s will be requests for psych referral, bloodwork and thyroid check. There is no way I’m going to spend 15 minutes with my doctor and expect her to know if I need drugs. I don’t want drugs if I can help it anyway.
In the meantime, our new computer arrived and I’ve been busying myself transferring the business and setting up everything. I’m still drinking way too much coffee, but I’ve slept 3 nights in a row, and yesterday I ate breakfast, lunch and dinner without being sick. That’s something.
Anyway, that’s where I’m at. Thought you might like to know. And since I haven’t read blogs in like 3 weeks, how are YOU?
p.s. If you’ve emailed me and I haven’t answered, it’s only because I suck ass. But I think you’re awesome and I love you to pieces.
March 18th, 2007 at 12:01 pm
YEAAAAAA !!!!!
WE LOVE YOU!!!!
Good Girl.
Sleep. Eat. We love you.
BFF!
March 18th, 2007 at 1:14 pm
OH, I am SOOOO glad I saw this post today. I was having a crap day and now it’s turn 180 degrees! I am soooo happy for you! Good for you getting all that out and having an “ugly cry”.
Take care!
March 18th, 2007 at 3:05 pm
Karen, I’m so proud of you. I’m proud of you for having an honest talk with Daren, I’m proud of you for allowing yourself to eat, for allowing yourself to sleep. I’m proud of you for admitting that you need help. That can be so hard for us to admit.
I remember the first time I went to see a psych - I felt like it meant that I really was crazy. Thankfully, it turned out to be one of the healthiest things I’ve done for my life, my work, and most importantly, my marriage.
Know that we support you.
March 18th, 2007 at 3:50 pm
Karen,
we have a saying in our family, “Life is good when you can sleep and shit.”
I hope that things continue to get better for you. You’re in my thoughts.
–Amanda
March 18th, 2007 at 7:46 pm
I am so glad you have someone who can be your rock.
March 18th, 2007 at 8:58 pm
So happy to hear that you got that burden “off your chest”. I think sometimes it helps because then we don’t have to carry it all alone. Good for you….see you are starting to make some progress, you are headed in the right direction. Again, good luck with your appt. on Weds.
March 18th, 2007 at 9:53 pm
Karen, I am SO PROUD OF YOU! Proud of you for asking Daren to “steer the ship”, proud of you for trusting him and loving him enough to tell him what he needed to know, proud of you for opening yourself up and admitting that you need help. And I am SO GLAD to hear that you are eating and sleeping again. I’ve been so worried about you! You are awesome, and I’m so glad you’re my friend.
xoxo
March 18th, 2007 at 11:11 pm
I don’t know, but if you’re anything like me, unloading like that is often enough to help me on the road. It’s a load off.
But I’m still glad you’ve made appointments.
Good luck hon.
March 19th, 2007 at 8:09 am
good for you. you needed that “ugly cry” and you are so blessed to have Daren. he sounds like a rock
and i’m glad to hear you are eating and sleeping. it’s a definitely good sign.
March 19th, 2007 at 8:12 am
Good job, Karen. I’m proud of you for having the ugly cry.
March 19th, 2007 at 8:39 am
Sometimes sucking ass can be a very pleasurable thing.
Uh, ok so that attempt at making you feel better didn’t work, because I sincerely doubt sucking someones ass is a pleasurable thing. Not that I tried it or anything…
And I’m glad your communicating with Daren, he’s like a Chevy Truck, and he loves you and wants to be there for you.
I hope you don’t need drugs either, but if it comes down to that I know you’ll make the best decision for yourself.
P.S. I love you and you are amazing. And I promise I don’t literally suck ass, and neither do you.
March 19th, 2007 at 8:43 am
Must have been that kind of weekend. I finally tried to explain my own depression and suicidal tendencys to my husband this weekend.
I’m so GLAD you did this and are on the road to recovery. You are much loved!
March 19th, 2007 at 11:51 am
Glad to hear things are going in the right direction.
-hugs-
March 20th, 2007 at 4:06 am
It was great to read this Karen. I am glad you are going in armed with requests for work ups re thyroid etc. The blind drug taking thing can be a slippery slope. Always be ready for a second opinion and a more alternative route if need be.
How am I? You askie you gettie. I’m ok, aside from the fact it is 5 am as I write this and I have to stay up all night until noon tomorrow so I can have a sleep deprived eeg because of a seizure I had a while back. My kitchen cupboards have never been so clean and now I am going to start painting to try and stay awake, cause if I stop moving I am going to crash.
strawberries in bed. thats the life…
March 20th, 2007 at 6:34 am
I’m so glad you have eachother! I’m thinking of you as you cope with things, and am happy you have Daren and a (good?) doc to help you out.
take care, and remember that sometimes folks need drugs to pull them out of the pit, and once they’re back walking around they can wean off of them. Not that I’m on 7 scripts or anything…
I’m totally jealous of the strawberries in bed. that’s great.
March 20th, 2007 at 11:05 am
Was away on vacation. Was so incredibly happy to read this post upon my return! I agree with others. Sometimes just letting go of some of the “stuff” lightens the load just enough to actually move forward.
Way to go!!!
March 20th, 2007 at 2:47 pm
YEY! I’m so happy for you! I know how much those moments help, and strawberries in bed? Girl, that rocks.
March 21st, 2007 at 1:20 pm
Wow, I have been exactly where you are! After my daughter was born, my thyroid went wonky and I thought I was losing my mind. After my son was born, it turns out, I did sort of lose my mind. PPD, big time, with a lot of nasty old family crap thrown in. Motherhood shook lose a lot of things in my psyche! I too had the “ugly cry” with my dh. He was awesome, but I didn’t get the strawberries in bed. Hmmmm….must work on that one.