A Touch of The Crazy
March 22, 2007
EDIT BELOW.
So I had The Doctor’s Appointment yesterday. I was honest with her, and being the pill-pusher that she is (hello? pharmaceutical companies? stop bribing my doctor. thanks.) she tried to put me on drugs, to which I flatly refused.
Let me back up a second here. We addressed the anorexia with my promise of calling a local counseling service that deals with eating disorders. She sent me home with a requisition for bloodwork which I will have done tomorrow. She is also setting up a referral to a therapist that she says has helped a lot of her patients.
Then we did this worksheet. Written by a pharmaceutical company. Of the 13 questions in part one, I answered yes to 10 of them. Part 2 thereby resulted in a yes, and I answered “moderate” for Part 3. So based on a piece of paper written by a drug company, I MUST have bi-polar disorder, and PLEASE, sell me those drugs.
Fuck that.
You cannot diagnose this in 15 minutes. I told her that. I started to cry and said to her, “This is it, I am going to be crazy like my mother. My biggest fear has come true.” How very stupid and dramatic of me. I held it together until that worksheet. Then I stopped floating above my body, watching the situation long enough to feel that fear, which very quickly turned to anger. I was upset with the doctor for suggesting drugs when she’d spent all of 15 minutes with me. If we had time to dive into the issues, I’m sure she would see that it’s stuff I have to wade through and she’d hand me a pair of galoshes, not a script for GOD-KNOWS-WHAT-THAT-OFFERS-A-KICKBACK-TO-HER. Am I disgusted? Yes.
Part of me wanted to get up and walk out. Get the fuck up and get the fuck out, and pretend nothing was wrong. Yell, “I’M FINE!” Go back to how I used to be.
I was going to blog this yesterday, when I was feeling all of that, but I decided (wisely) to sleep on it. I talked to a friend and to Daren about it.
The end result is this: I don’t want to treat my brain with drugs until I know what is wrong with it. And the only way I can do that, is to speak to a therapist, you know, for longer than 15 minutes.
The doctor’s concern was that I may not get in to see the therapist for 3-4 more weeks and she was worried about the not eating.
So here I am, again floating above my body, watching this woman I don’t know, and trying so hard not to feel any of it. I force myself through the daily tasks, I furrow my brow to concentrate on work, I spend a lot of time reading board books to Thomas and playing Pente with Dylan, and making love with my husband every chance I get, all the while pretending I don’t exist to the outside world. I’m avoiding phone calls from family, visits from friends. I am ashamed and scared and forcing myself to just get through each day.
I realized something yesterday. I’m 32. When my mother was 32, I was 12. And going through the beginning of this eating disorder. Could something have triggered sub-conscientiously that started this plummet? Maybe.
I opened my email this morning to this (I hope this person doesn’t mind me sharing this):
hey i’m really sorry but i was believe it or not I was googling Troll
Babies……(design project in case you are wondering) and your blog
was first up….
i read it.
you are quite an incredible person to be able to write these things
down.
i lost my wife.
she couldn’t talk to me.
nobody knew.
you will be ok.
sorry if i intruded in on you but i felt i had to tell you.
God. Thank you so much for writing. I’m so very sorry about your wife. I don’t want to die. I just don’t want anyone to see me like this. And so I write.
Part of me is stomping, pushing down on the issues, trying to keep them in the box until I can let them go. I have kids, a family, I really don’t have time to have a touch of the crazy. And no one will understand it if I suddenly lose it. There’s no time for this breakdown. There’s no time for me to cry. If I start crying, I may never stop. And so my heart aches for the touch of sanity that used to be me.
Karen? Come back. Crazy moved in and we need to evict her. There’s just no time for her. No time at all.
?
The edit is that I did not specify what drug she wanted to “try.”? In talking to J, I realized I hadn’t told you guys.? This isn’t paxil, or some kind of anti-depressant - the doctor wanted to “try” Lithium.? Yeah.? I can wait to talk to a therapist before I “try” Lithium thanks.? That’s all.?
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:03 am
My Mum has suffered with depression for most of my childhood. I’m so glad you’re taking a strong stand about drugs. While they are a big help, my Mum has been pescribd them for nearly 20 years and it’s only in the last 5 that someone is actually trying to work out why she needs these drugs. So please don’t say you’ll nenver take them because they DO work, but it will take time.
The person you know is you is still in there, you’ve just to give her a bit of time to reappear, and she will reappear. You’re too strong to stay crazy forever, and though crazy may appear now and again, the real you will keep coming back.
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:17 am
Karen, I absolutely understand not wanting to take medication until you find out what is actually wrong, but I wonder: What if ” finding out what is wrong” is a process….one that takes a long while? Should you suffer and feel miserable the entire time if there are pharmaceuticals to help you along the journey?
I have NEVER been one to advocate unneccessary meds, but there is no weakness in trying something to see if it helps…..even a little bit….until you are able to get all of these feelings out and dealt with. Speaking to a professional will definitely help, but if you are truly feeling that low right now, why not even consider a very low dose of a starting med to help refocus and attack the problem with some renewed hope and strength? Just a thought…….
March 22nd, 2007 at 10:43 am
babe…listen…
For your boys, for your husband…for you.
Go check yourself in somewhere.
I mean it.
March 22nd, 2007 at 11:16 am
Hey,
I just wanted to tell you that I can totally understand your fear of ending up like your mother. But as I’ve said before, you will never do that. You care too much.
Having dealt with childhood/mother issues, I ended up taking an antidepressant. It took a long while before I found the right one. But for me, after tests, it was a definite chemical imbalance, and thyroid disease didn’t help, either.
Thanks for writing this. I wish I could help somehow.
P.S. Note the new url. I accidentally deleted my old one. I’m such a bone-head.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:07 pm
I know that questionnaire from the drug comapanies. Done it mayself and of course I came up as depressed. Well duh… Nothing I did not know already, and ten questions just will not suffice for the complexities of the human mind. Why are doctors always looking for the quick fix?
I know in many cases we are blessed to have the medications offered, but 15 minutes is not a fair way to base a prescription. It sounds to me like you are doing EVERYTHING you can to stay grounded, being with your kids, physically connecting with your husband…you may feel like you are just going thru the motions, but it is probably keeping you grounded.
I think you are very brave and you will come out the other side of this. My father had a saying ‘that which does not kill you only makes you stronger’.
And I believe this for you Karen I really do. Sending you the best of thoughts…
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:45 pm
What a powerful email you got out of the blue. It was sent for a reason. I don’t know if you need to check in anywhere, but please, please TALK to your husband. It is making all the difference!
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:47 pm
It took me YEARS to get a proper diagnosis, and once I was in with a good therapist (thank you EAP at work!) it took abother 7 months, and a referral through my doctor to get to a psychologist qualified to make the diagnosis (bipolar) and find the drugs that work. I resisted drugs for years and years, tried some that didn’t work for the wrong diagnosis, and finally, I’ve come across on the other side.
It was worth the wait.
Can you find a good therapist in the area? For me, that was the only thing that kept me going, was having someone to talk to every two weeks, someone I could let it all out to.
However, even with the shrink, it only took her about 15 mins to confirm the assumed diagnosis. I expected this huge rigamarole of testing, and nope. Just my patient history, and family history( that I knew of)
Beware of the quick fix, but sometimes the drugs do work. I never imagined life could be so sweet, and yet, here we are.
Good luck.
March 22nd, 2007 at 12:49 pm
We need to switch doctors. I need the medication to fix my thyroid - but my doctor claims there’s nothing wrong with it. But I know it and I keep getting tested and still the results say I’m normal. Do you know how crazy that makes me? To be told all is fine? I just don’t understand it. Maybe I am a little nuts and he just doesn’t want to tell me.
Dear one, I hope you get through this. I am here for you. Not that I know what the hell I’m doing sometimes — but I do support you and love and I know Karen will come back. She will come back.
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:11 pm
I second what Avalon said.
And I’m going to send you a link to something I wrote quite awhile ago. I just have to find it. *wink*
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:22 pm
Okay, it’s here http://www.xanga.com/kissmequikly/294809435/panic–me-panic.html (and I’m stoopie because I don’t know how to add a link). It’s not your situation, but it’s my experience with having a ‘touch of the crazy’.
Meds can help babe. They don’t have to be scary.
March 22nd, 2007 at 1:33 pm
Just stopping by to lend support. If I could construct a scaffold I would.
I hope you don’t have to wait long for the therapist. I understand your reluctance to drugs, but sometimes you just have to let it go. As women we want to control so much and when we can’t it’s frustrating. I felt like admitting I needed drugs meant I failed. Really it just meant that my body didn’t make the chemicals I needed.
Hang in there. We’re here if you need anything. Keep writing.
March 22nd, 2007 at 2:02 pm
I admit, I was very worried when I started to read your resistance to meds, even if it is very very common. I am very glad that you are the type of person to question what your doctor is saying and not just take it blindly, that’s very important to me. Did she explain why Lithium? That does seem extreme, to me.
I broke down when I took that test too. I think part of it is because you sort of have to admit the things you were trying to *hide* so that you can still function. My doc also explained that these tests are so they have a baseline for you. That way if you do go on meds when you return for your follow up they can see how the answers compare.
Just don’t be totally closed to meds. It can be hard sometimes to make it to a true accurate diagnosis in a timely manner, and many of the ‘garden variety’ meds (paxil, effexor Xr, etc.) can help manage many symptoms in the process.
As long as when you agree to take them, the docs are still working with you towards solutions and answers, then consider letting the meds help as a temporary bridge to a permanent solution.
March 22nd, 2007 at 3:18 pm
Here is my two cents. You have two very real concerns.
1. Medication and the possible results of that.
2. What is going on in your head right now that is making you feel bad.
Of those two, number one is a less worrisome concern than number two.
I have sat there and filled in that same questionnaire. I know it is scary and frustrating, but taking the meds is something that can help you. Lithium is a fairly benign mood stabilizer. Most of the meds out there for personality problems have some minor digestive side effects which, even if they are really bad, tend to fade with time. The side effects of a rampant, untreated problem with depression or bipolar can be disastrous. Very few of them, other than the very old meds like Haldol, have permanent side effects, and those are only tremors. I know something about those because my son has schizophrenia.
I would urge you call back the dr to ask for a prescription, fill it and give it a try for a month or so. You have a lot to hold onto and this is a step that can help you. Don’t be afraid of it. Some of these meds take some time to get into your system, so the sooner you start, the better off you can be.
The other thing I want to say is that sometimes, if you are afraid that you might do yourself or someone else harm you might have to just go inpatient. You can get a lot of help quickly that way. My son nearly died, but we got him help in time. He is fine now and stable although he is on meds and always will be. But you have to take a step out and help yourself.
If there is anything I can do to help, please drop me an email, jgk060606@yahoo.com
Don’t be afraid to let your doctor help you.
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:29 pm
Crazy is visiting me too. I wish she would leave.
I cannot believe a doctor would suggest “trying” lithium unless you have been on other meds in the past? That sounds extremely fucked up.
March 22nd, 2007 at 4:50 pm
I don’t talk about it to often, but I have battled depression off and on for years. I was very lucky to find a doctor who would work with the whole picture not just push the meds. I’m on Lexapro now, and very glad I gave into her suggestions of meds. Please remember that depression and eating disorders are taking a toll on your body, and that while you work to get to the bottom of the reason, it may be a good idea to go on meds to help your body.
March 22nd, 2007 at 5:55 pm
I remember my first visit with my dr. I was the exact same. Fuck you! I wanted to stomp out .. what the hell did he know about me? Well, Karen, they have seen these situations. I’m not saying go on Lithium..ah..no. Not for you…guaranteed! I was on anti depressants for 5 yrs, and went through 4 different types of meds until I found the right one for ME. I was able to focus, and maintain “sanity” for a long time. BUT while on them, lots of traumatic issues began to surface, and low and behold, I was suicidal. My husband did not take this lightly, and in to a trama ward I went. You know this already, but I just want to say..you have to FEEL every emotion before you can get better.
I went off the meds cause I could do it on my own! I’m strong and I’m happy and I’m just fucking ducky! Well that all lasted what.. 2 yrs?!? I’m back on again, a milder dosage mind you, and boy am I glad I am. Just because you are on a med, doesn’t mean you are a bad person, or a drug addict. It’s because sometimes, we can’t do it alone.
I have lots of notes and lots of tools that I use often, and if you want me to share, you know where I am.
Talking is great…to the right people. Family and friends are great support, but the professionals hit where those loved ones just can’t understand..it’s deep Karen…very deep. You are the only one that can deal with your feelings. We can only be there to support. I love you bud, and I am here if you really want to talk depression!!!!
Live and feel “in the moment”..those are the true feelings at work!
Love ya!
Nic
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:21 pm
I don’t know what to tell you, other than to try and make sure that your therapist is one who can prescribe medication if and when you need it. The laws might be different in Canada, but here in the States, some professionals can be therapists but not have the ability to write scripts.
Wanting to put you on Lithium right away is a bit extreme. That being said, I really think that SSRIs saved my life in the most literal sense. I would have committed suicide, successfully, sometime during the past year if it hadn’t been for them. I wanted to be with Eric too badly. But some SSRIs can act as appetite suppressants, so be extra careful if you decide to try them.
Love and lots of hugs,
Amanda
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:25 pm
I agree that some people need meds and they’re a good thing, but you are not being resistant, you’re being SMART.
They CANNOT diagnose you in 15 minutes! And it doesn’t matter who you are or what’s wrong, so many doctors now are, “Here you go, have some psyche drugs and that will fix everything.”
And Lithium seems a bit extreme. If it was Paxil, I might not think it was such a big deal.
Talk to the therapist. I’m sure the therapist will go more in depth and it’s one who can prescribe, too, right?
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:36 pm
Yeah, lithium is a whole other ballgame.
You told me that and I was kind of left scratching my head over what kind of doctor would want to shove you on that after talking to you for fifteen minutes.
Quack.
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:44 pm
OMG, you are so not crazy. I’m telling you I went through so many of the same things that you are going through and I was about 34 at the time. I also refused drugs. I finally found a therapist who was awesome and she did help me. I mean some folks still think I am crazy, and while I may be my own “kind of crazy” I’m fine. Keep looking and don’t give up on yourself. You sound like an awesome lady and I’m praying for you to find that one person who really will help you! You are not crazy, I promise. You will be fine in the end, because you are taking all the right steps. Hang in there! Oy, sorry I wrote a friggin book here.
March 22nd, 2007 at 6:50 pm
I Love you hun!!!!
I am always here if you need me….I have been to the dark side and seen the devil himself but there is light at the other side.
Talk to Darren…He loves you soooo much!!
Keep your chin up hun!! YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!!
Muahhhhhhhhhhhhh
March 22nd, 2007 at 7:40 pm
Nothing new to say here, but I’m putting it out there anyway. I completely understand the resistance to meds. Especially the thought of Lithium. I can’t imagine what that dr is thinking and suggest you get a second opinion. I didn’t want to try an antidepressant until after I saw how much it helped my son. Who is 9. Loooong story, but meds have given him a freedom to be himself. In my case, I struggled to cope for years after having him without realizing it was anything more that a bad mood. Started with postpartum and just kept going. I’m REALLY glad I didn’t see that worksheet before getting treatment! Just looked at it and had the same results you did. Most of my problems resolved when I started thyroid treatment and the rest are getting under control with Zoloft. Definately do the follow through with the therapist etc, but maybe see about something to buffer in the meantime. I take Evening Primrose Oil capsules to smooth the edges. Look at it this way, if you were anemic, you’d take iron, right? If you had a vitamin deficiency, you’d take supplements or boost the needed foods, right? Having your serotonin off kilter in your brain isn’t different.
You are NOT crazy. What you ARE is someone having a hard ass time because of past trauma and maybe other things. You are smart to be taking steps to get feeling better and in control of your life. You are brave, to put yourself out there for everyone. You are courageous to have told your husband and opened up to him and yourself. You are human, not some unreal ideal of calm, cool sanity that no one could be. I can’t say if you need to have inpatient care or not, all I can say is you are not alone. And you do need to take care of yourself. And if that means hiding out in your house for awhile, don’t be ashamed. Do whatever it takes to get you through. You are stonger than you think to have gotten this far, you can make it the rest of the way.
I know this was long and it didn’t start out to be, but. I don’t really know you, but I am really concerned for you and will keep you in my thoughts.
March 22nd, 2007 at 8:00 pm
I’m going to throw in my 0.02, stating I’ve never had an eating disorder, but I’ve been through those quizzes for depression. They’re designed to sell drugs. Absolutely.
If your doctor feels you are ill enough to go on meds immediately, you can/should find a therapist within 48 hours. The state of Ontario’s health system aside - there is emergency therapy for people in your situation. And you should be on a priority list.
Prayers and peace,
March 22nd, 2007 at 9:56 pm
I’ve been on meds, and while resistant to them at first, they did prove to be a big help. Lithium seems a little drastic to start with - there are probably better options out there.
Even though meds sound drastic, I can assure you that even on meds your problems are still right there with you. The difference is that the meds can help you reach a less self-destructive level so that you can tackle those issues fully without the risks of the issues pulling you down to the ground in the fight.
Maybe look into an outpatient mental health clinic for a second opinion and to be pointed towards someone who can help deal with the issues and also recommend a good medication if needed? I just want to see you get better.
March 23rd, 2007 at 1:17 am
Oh. My. God. LITHIUM??? You have got to be kidding me. That so pisses me off. I was thinking maybe some Prozac was suggested, but Lithium? After 15 minutes? Good Lord. I know it’s so hard to take responsibility for our own health when we already feel like we’re drowning and are then forced to deal with a medical community that seems overrun by kickbacks and always concerned with the bottom line and liability. So frustrating. Hang in there, Karen.
March 23rd, 2007 at 10:39 am
Lithium is usually used for manic-depressive illnesses, so I’m not quite sure why it has such a “scary” repuatation.
I understand and respect your desire to stay medication free, my only concern is that your symptoms are currently so severe that they’re seriously interfering with your functionality and health (ie- the not eating). So I can understand why your doctor might want to try medication to try and get you through the period between now and when you can see a psychiatrist. Although the pharmaceutical companies are pushy, to some extent, it’s the only thing your doctor can actually offer you right now, other than a sympathetic pat and a referal. Doctors tend to be control oriented, it’s hard to not be able to fix things for a control person. It’s not nessecarily about kickbacks and liability and the bottom line.
You may find this article (I can’t find the original) interesting:
http://www.solport.com/roundtable/archives/000468.php about how the health community responds to “crazy people” now as opposed to in the 1970’s. This amptoons article I actually like better, same experiment being discussed: http://www.amptoons.com/blog/archives/2004/02/01/thud-thud-thud-into-the-cuckoos-nest/
Good luck and hang in there.
March 23rd, 2007 at 11:02 am
i’m curious, what is so wrong with lithium? i know it’s an old school drug, but why does everyone think it is so drastic?
March 23rd, 2007 at 12:20 pm
Meds … a mask to get you through the days and nights. They do not make the pain “all better” and they do not make the “thinking” stop either.
I was prescribed Celexa years ago when I was going through a “down time”. The drugs made my teeth chatter endlessly, I slept less, and the “pain” was still in my head. I just looked like some crazy fool who should have been crying but instead was laughing. And these were prescribed by my therapist. I quit the drugs and dealt with the therapist and thus my issues too. The issues aren’t gone - they never will be - but at least now I can deal with them each day and especially on the days when “pain & crazy” come at em ful force.
Therapy is all about understanding why you feel the way you do and developing ways to make inner peace with your demons and the demons inflicted on you by others.
As odd as it may sound, I found bits of solace in the self help sections of the book store. Reading about others feeling much the same way I did helped me to know that I wasn’t crazy. And reading about their survival helped me see lights at the end of the tunnel.
Just a suggestion to get you through …
March 23rd, 2007 at 12:21 pm
Oh and to answer your questions about the aversion to Litihum in particular? The side-effects scare me and the effects on major organs too:
http://bipolar.about.com/cs/experience/a/sfe_lithspecsfx.htm
http://www.medicinenet.com/lithium/page2.htm
Sheesh. Scary huh?
I can and will hang on until properly diagnosed. My opinion is that I have anorexia and I’m dealing with suppressed memories, therefore I need therapy. Not drugs.
March 23rd, 2007 at 12:54 pm
You know yourself best, Karen. One foot in front of the other, baby steps…and if you don’t like it, don’t do it.
Hang in. I’m thinking of you.
March 23rd, 2007 at 7:33 pm
I have always been on the depressed side myself. I am probably a bit bipolar, since I have a lot of high highs and low dips. I also have a panic attack problem. Basically I have too much stress in my life is what everyone I have ever dealt with in a therapy type situation has said.
Drugs have never really done much for me, except xanax is good. I think it ought to be in the water supply, there would be a lot less murders. Anyway, I found that for me getting deeply involved in painting has been something that has been life altering for me. Bob Ross is my therapist, I guess, but it sure has helped me get through this hellish winter.
I think that drugs have their place, but as someone who has been nursing for a LONG time, drugs have sort of been a no-no. I could quit nursing, but it didn’t seem like that was the thing to do.
That said, if I started thinking those real dark thoughts I hope I would get myself to a dr and have them do whatever it takes to get back to “normal”. I think that there are some good alternatives to lithium. There is depakote, also some of the antispasmodic drugs, such as are used for schizo affective disorder. But I think that Lithium is still the gold standard for treatment of bipolar.
For schizophrenia (hearing voices / seeing visions) there are tons of meds, but for my son, only Haldol worked. He hasn’t had much in the way of side effects, except for weight gain and that might be more from some of his other meds (for depression and sleep), but without the Haldol, I am convinced he would have succeeded at killing himself. He tried four times and darned near succeeded. It’s hard to keep someone from doing themselves damage because you can’t take them away from themselves. Leave them alone and there is always the chance that they might hurt themselves. In that case, all you can do it try to stabilize the problem and hope that they get control again and are able to maintain their own safety. Does that make any sense?
In the end the question is, do the ends justify the means. And if the end is preventing a meltdown of a precarious mental health situation, than maybe the means - a drug that is proven to get results, like Lithium - is worth it. In the end it’s up to the patient and her doctor. Anything else is just beating the rug.
March 23rd, 2007 at 7:36 pm
You may just think you’re trying to purge your ugly thoughts, trying to work through, trying not to lose it. It’s so much more. I struggle to feed my body while faking it to my family and each time I realize I’m not alone and not crazy, I feel better. Not fabulous, not all better…just better. Thanks.
Lithium? For real? Jaysus…
March 23rd, 2007 at 10:19 pm
Oh Karen.
So many people have already said so much and I usually just read quietly but thank you for sharing so much of this here. Hopefully it can help you save yourself and maybe you’ll even save someone else.
And also, Lithium? I’m not a medical professional but I always thought that was what you tried when nothing else worked. Christ.
March 24th, 2007 at 6:28 am
Hey, I agree you need to talk rather than pop pills, but you have to be as careful with your choice of adviser as you may/will be when you make your choice of medication.
When I had a major breakdown after a car accident, I was advised and guided by a friend who had once flipped out so bad he was sectioned. In the weeks after that, he was diagnosed by a board of doctors as having a bipolar condition and they prescribed him lithium. This guy was as sane and level headed as the next person, but had just been pushed way too far for too long by his home and work environments, and the result didnt look good. But he wasnt bipolar!
He said that talk of lithium was the scariest thing he ever experienced in his life, mainly because he knew that although he wasnt right in the head, he knew he needed minor meds and mot importantly, lots of time out and stress free living.
The softly softly approach worked for him, and it worked for me. I was told it dodnt matter if I never worked again, as long as I got better. I was told that every time I felt low, I was just to think a positive thought. I went to bed early, woke up a little later than normal, made my bed and washed and ate properly, walked and read and … I got better with minor medication to help. I was totally broke, but beter! Honest, we were a couple of nutters during our respective episodes, but both are functioning just fine and a lot stronger than ever, living normal lives in our own worlds.
However hard it is can you not find a friend and escape frtom your current routine. I can t believe it cant work for you, or at least you should try it before giving up your life to lithium.
March 24th, 2007 at 8:58 am
I understand you not wanting to take any drugs until you know for sure what is wrong and like I said in my email, maybe you just need to talk it out. Best case that is.
You won’t become your mother, don’t even worry about it. Theres a huge difference between you and her, you are human, she is not. You care, you love, and you won’t let that happen.
I love you Karen.
March 24th, 2007 at 2:02 pm
lithium? yikes. We have the crazies in my family too, and I’m now on a gazillion meds because of other stuff, but it helps me clear up my thinking, too.
I hope you can wade through and pull yourself out of the swamp. Keep looking for arms reaching to help you - I wish I could do more than just comment!
March 24th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Lithium? What is this, 1960? Um, you’re abolutely right on to not even consider lithium. As you know, we’ve got the bipolar blues in our family, and although lithium did help my sister, that was 40 years ago. There are now so many new atypical antipsychotics out there that are WAY easier to use with little side effects. If you have to go one one, believe me, lithium is a last choice.
You’ll be OK. Keep checking in with those of us that live with the monster. We know what it’s about. We’ll be there for you.
March 24th, 2007 at 6:56 pm
Lithium? Fuck.
No matter what, you gotta do what feels best for you. It’s gotta feel RIGHT, and you gotta feel that YOU’RE in charge.
You need anything, talk, hugs, support, primal scream therapy, you know where to find me.
March 24th, 2007 at 7:56 pm
Hey girl… Can I give you my 2?? I hope this isn’t unwelcome but remember when I said it was like someone flipped a switch? Unless there was some sort of recent “trigger” event that I’m not aware of, I tend to believe, because it seemed to come out of nowhere, that you’re dealing with an organic or biochemical issue here. In my experience, when something chemical shifts, it’s often more dramatic and sudden than something psychological which tends to build over a period of time (unless you’re dealing with repressed issues which can be unleashed suddenly by a trigger).
I know you had a rough childhood and you say that your mother was “crazy”. If in fact it is something you have inherited, it almost definitely has a physiological component, meaning it could very well be an issue that medication could help, or at least get you to a place where not eating is not the primary issue, because THAT can kill you and that’s what concerns me the most.
No matter what you decide to do to get well, I wish you strength and peace. I’m here if you need me.
March 25th, 2007 at 9:14 am
Hey Karen,
I just stumbled across your blog today. I can’t add much more than what has already been said but wanted you to know that I’ve been fighting crazy for as long as I can remember. I started taking prozac five years ago and it has helped bring me back. It’s not the perfect end all. I know that I still have a long way to go but it has made me able to hold it together and be more of the person that I want to be.
March 25th, 2007 at 9:00 pm
I agree that she shouldn’t try to push drugs on you after 15 minutes, and after some ‘quiz’. I know you’ll be smart about it and take care of yourself. Be strong.
March 25th, 2007 at 10:21 pm
As a recovered anorexic, this post was so touching.
I just wanted to say that if you have a breakdown, everyone in your life WILL understand. And they will be so happy if it is the start of recover.
Also, it’s possible to get out of the shitty ano-cycle. There was a point in my life where I really thought that there was no way to escape, getting “better” just meant keeping enough weight on to stay out of the hospital.
Way to go on just saying no to the drugs. I HATE how so many doctors push drugs as a first line… if your doctor isn’t experienced with eating disorders, don’t go back. they don’t know how to handle it. Same goes with the therapist. Lithium is serious stuff… and as far as I know, it does nothing for the little “i’m fat” voice. I can’t believe they tried to put you on it after 15 minutes and a pharma worksheet! actually, yes I can. And that’s just sad.
Good luck… with everything.