Perfect Post: “This I Believe”

April 1, 2007

Friday night Daren and I hired a babysitter and ran screaming from the Wrath of Offspring out into the Freedom of The World. It should have been a great date, but it started off kind of rocky. I had dressed in a waffle shirt and jeans, knowing we were only going to see a movie, but duh! We left at 7 and the movie didn’t start until nearly 10, so wtf to do until then?

Part of The Crazy for me is the lack of social confidence. Daren wanted to go shoot pool at a bar, and I felt I was too fat and ugly to go anywhere but a dark theater. Fighting, crying ensued and we found ourselves tangled in a knot of frustration and confusion as we snapped at each other until we parked in a lot and I finally started talking to him.

All week, I’ve been faking it a little (even for you, dear blog readers, trying to be a bit more lighthearted), putting on The Show, as Karl calls it, and Friday night, the lid flew off once again. Daren and I had seen the doctor together on Thursday afternoon, and she barked up the bi-polar/lithium tree once again, and once again, I sat there and bit my lip from screaming that I AM NOT BI-POLAR. The funniest thing came out of her mouth though. I had expressed concern about group therapy not being my thing, and she said, “I know what a private person you are Karen.” No, she hasn’t heard of Triple DoubleYa Troll Dash Baby Dot Com. Heh.

Turns out, she did not have the referral from the psychiatrist, and said it may take months to get in, but would I like to talk to a psychologist instead? Um yes, really Dr. Lithium, because I’m ready to start chatting up the washing machine if I don’t let some of this out soon.

So in the car Friday night, a blubbering mess of a wife sat and told her husband about horrible thoughts she had, and how she wanted to spare him and their children of this whole ordeal, and how scared she was in thinking how she could spare them, and how much she just wanted to go back to The Normal. The husband was supportive, and promised once again to steer the ship, to protect her, to be The Rock.

My point of sharing all of this, is to also share with you this amazing post, written by Karl, otherwise known among some blogging crowds as Hot Karl, SecondHand Karl, and he describes himself as My Boyfriend. But I think he says that to all the women bloggers, don’tcha Karl? I met Karl last year at BlogHer, and he is very insightful, warm, funny, and I adore him very much.

But now? Guys, he wrote this post, and it was brave, and profound. It made me stop and think about everything that is happening in my head. It made me believe that me sharing with you is a sign of strength. That I still have fight left in me. That I will beat these demons. That I am not her.

Especially this part:

I believe that people are fundamentally non-communicative, and that a lot of problems could be fixed if people would just open up and be honest with one another. There is far too much game-playing going on because people refuse to say what is really going on in their head. In general, women are better at communicating than men, but I know plenty of women that are just as crippled as men when it comes to talking and sharing what s going on inside them. Funny thing is, so many people who don t communicate are desperately lonely and wishing for love. The scariest thing in the world sometimes is letting someone else in. I believe the most worthwhile things in life can also be the scariest.

So Karl, if you’re reading this, please know that I not only believe 95% of what you wrote in that courageous post, but that I am extremely grateful that you had the balls to write 100% of it. You are my pick for March’s Perfect Post, and I’ve bookmarked your post to read again and again.

Later this week, I’m going to try to write out what I believe, and I encourage everyone who wants to, to do the same. Make sure you link back to Hot Karl though. He’d like that.

7 Responses to “Perfect Post: “This I Believe””

1. Karl Says:
   April 2nd, 2007 at 7:50 am

   Marvelous. I’m happy as hell that you opened up to your husband about all the stuff going on in that gorgeous noggin’ of yours. Talking about the crazy stuff can be a fantastic relief. Took a lot of strength to do what you did, and I think you’re going to reap some incredible rewards for doing so. Admirable.

   And I bet you looked hot in your waffle shirt.

   Thanks for the award, wonderful surprise.

2. wookie Says:
   April 2nd, 2007 at 7:58 am

   Is it bipolar that specifically scares you or mental illness in general that scares you? I completely understand the whole “not my mother” fear-thing, being a child of that myself, but … I don’t know… I guess I just want to try and express that even if you end up “diagnosed” with something, that it’s not the end of the world. Neurological disorders are often just like any other illness, they can and should be treated (both mentally and physically, not JUST with drugs) instead of swept under the rug and shamed. If you had diabetes, you’d not think twice about taking insulin.

   And private and the internet aren’t nessecarily incompatible. One can be open on the internet in a way that you can’t be in person, because in person is so much more painful, so many more consequences.

3. tori Says:
   April 2nd, 2007 at 8:48 am

   I loved Karl’s post too.

   You are strong, and I think we all know it…you don’t believe it yet, but I have faith that you will.

4. qofS Says:
   April 2nd, 2007 at 11:28 am

   I may love hot karl afterall.

5. rachel Says:
   April 2nd, 2007 at 12:33 pm

   thanks for the link to Karl - I’m looking forward to checking out his entry and site.

   I hope you can find a doctor who works better with you and can help you return to your confident self.

   Thinking of you

6. annie Says:
   April 2nd, 2007 at 12:54 pm

   Part of taking care of my head is trying to really say what I think and not hold it in.

   Luckily, my husband is very understanding of that, too. Most of the time. Poor guy.

7. chris Says:
   April 2nd, 2007 at 2:27 pm

   Great find and great post to award! Good job