Your Husbands Are A Lot of Fun, Just So You Know
April 16, 2007
Let’s set the scene:
It’s 11:30 p.m. Sunday night. Daren and his hockey buddies storm into the dressing room after playing a friendly but fierce game of hockey; panting, sweaty, loud and boisterous. Gloves and helmets are flying off, skate laces and hockey pants being torn wide open to reveal the stench of grown men. Laughter, the occasional fart, ball scratching, hot showers running.
“Who’s up for a beer?” asks Steve.
“I can’t. My wife expects me home,” answers Rob.
“Sure, I’m game for a beer,” Daren says.
Now tell me something ladies. What is wrong with this picture?
Hell no. There’s nothing wrong with Daren here. Daren can do whatever he wants. I am not his mother. (Thank God, you should see the size of his head. Ouch.)
Rob’s wife “expects” her husband home? Hey Rob’s wife, aren’t you in bed yet? And if not, why aren’t you doing something you enjoy? Why aren’t you soaking in a tub, reading Cosmo, painting your toenails, or out with your girlfriends while a sitter watches your kids?
Daren tells me all the time that his friends think he has the coolest wife in the world. Pah. I don’t get it. I have no desire to police what my husband does. He doesn’t drive drunk, he doesn’t smoke crack, he doesn’t pick up women or do anything else that might deem him un-marriageable in the first place. Except the fact that he is a Montreal Canadians fan, he is damn near perfect for me and I really do not need a naughty mat for the guy.
When I think about our marriage, I relish in the fact that we have always maintained a set of friends between us, and then each of us has friends that the other really doesn’t see much. My girlfriends and I would rather have a girl’s night or hang out and have a coffee at Starbucks after shopping, and Daren’s buddies like to play hockey or poker, or hit the country bar. (Yes, my finger is down my throat at the thought of a country bar too - gah!)
Don’t get me wrong, it’s awesome and fun to hang out with Daren, and I love going to the bar with him, flirting with him, bending over the pool table, giving him the come-hither eyes, singing to him, whatever. He even does yoga with me and that’s damn hot. I’m signing up for this pole-dancing class, but I doubt he will join me. The Man is still The Man, after all.
So when Daren tells me about the other wives being all bossy and telling their husbands what to do, I laugh. I mean, really. Now I know I’m not talking to all the ladies who read this blog, because I know some pretty damn cool wives read this site. But for the rest of you, and you know who you are, you naggity nags: Your husband was obviously The Man when you married him, so why would that change? You were Your Own Person when you got married, so since when are you an extension of each other, all gnarled together, in tight knots and not knowing where he ends and you begin?
(”Co-dependent” Artist: David Hochbaum)
I need my space. My girly time. My alone time. Sunday morning, after our morning romp, I jumped in the shower and went all by myself (!) to Starbucks, and ran a few errands. I cranked Evanescence and sang in my car. I enjoyed the alone time, as I’m sure he does on the way to work or hockey while he rocks it out to Tim McGraw or whoever makes him sing his heart out.
I don’t need to know where he is at all times, who he is with and when he is going to be home. When he is out with the guys, or needs us out of the house so he can host poker, that’s his thing. I kick him and the kids out 4 times a year to have our girls night and if I can beat him to the punch on making girl plans, he’s cool with arranging a sitter if he wants to go out on the same night. We’re parents, sure, but we aren’t dead.
My point is, we are separate people, with our own lives. It works because we aren’t grilling each other. It works because we don’t treat each other like children.
So, I gotta ask the wives who do nag, the ones who ’set rules,’ the ones who call the cell phone 8 times before midnight: What gives?
Is it a trust thing? Because I have been ‘out with the guys,’ and they are hilarious and fucking crude as I can be, but when your name comes up, they talk about you like you are their Queen. They brag about you. They say things like “I don’t know how she does it.” You ought to get a sitter sometime and come out and see what they are like.
Date your husband. He is actually pretty cool. Fun to flirt with. You might even fall in love with him all over again.
______________________________________________________________________
Please note the new button “For Heather” in the sidebar. My friend and co-worker at Swank Web Style, Heather, has been diagnosed with a brain tumor and BooMama has been kind enough to set up a donation account to help Heather and her family with expenses that will incur.
You may not know Heather yet, but let me tell you that this mother, friend, wife, and child of God needs your help. If you can’t help with a donation, then please send your well wishes or prayers her way.
If you d like to help spread the word and put the For Heather button (thanks, Laura!) on your blog, that would be great. If you d like to put the For Heather button in your sidebar, email BooMama for the code.
Thank you.
April 16th, 2007 at 11:51 pm
When I was first married and also a stay at home mom, I was Rob’s wife. I was at home all day and was just waiting for him to come home and talk to me.
Now that I’m older, we’ve been married for almost 7 years, while my husband might use me an excuse to get out something, he knows that he can do whatever he wants for as long as he wants. I wish he would do whatever more often. LOL
April 17th, 2007 at 12:45 am
“Date your husband. He is actually pretty cool. Fun to flirt with. You might even fall in love with him all over again. ”
–I love this line! I just had to let you know. So true very well put!
April 17th, 2007 at 12:47 am
April 17th, 2007 at 7:46 am
i am so with you, lady!
i can’t understand my friends who keep their husbands on such short leashes. my husband and i have the great marriage that we do because we respect one another and give each other the freedoms that we need to be our own person…not just a twosome.
April 17th, 2007 at 7:53 am
I dunno… I can see where you’re coming from but I didn’t read it into that one statement.
When I’m out with the girls, or he’s out with the guys, it’s the understanding between us that we will be back home by midnight, and that if there’s a departure from that timeframe, that there will be a phonecall, just so the other doesn’t worry. Especially in the winter, I’ll usually call to say I’m leaving so that if I don’t make it home in 2 hours, he knows to call CAA or something.
I don’t think that’s a short leash, I think that’s just courtesy.
April 17th, 2007 at 8:00 am
April 17th, 2007 at 8:19 am
From the man’s perspective…
One of the guys in my group has one of those wives that calls 8 times. She’s better now than she was at first (years ago when they first married)… But we still tell him to divorce her.
April 17th, 2007 at 8:41 am
I have no problem with him going out and doing whatever. Once a week I go out, either to spend a day with my mom (bookstores, shopping and LOTS of Starbucks) or my best friend (dinner then cocktails or movies).
I am considered the ‘cool wife’ not only because I have no problem with him going out ’till whenever (just call if later than midnight so I don’t wait up or worry), I also have no problem with him going to the strip clubs. His friends just can’t grasp that I have no issues with it and that I even **gasp** join him on occasion. I trust him. The only rule we have is no lap dances w/out the other one present
;-) It upsets their wives too that I have no problem with it, but I’ve managed to take a few along and show them that it’s not some big orgy and they had a great time.
April 17th, 2007 at 9:13 am
Dating your husband is essential!
and
you’ve been nominated for a (few) RFS Blog Award(s)
April 17th, 2007 at 12:14 pm
my husband uses me as an excuse when he doesn’t want to do something (he’s anti-social). I have a good number of friends, but we rarely get together without the kids - I need to work on that. As for going out, it’s usually Bill calling me to ask me to come home!
I love that you’re dating your husband - I need to feel the fun again. The fun gets pushed under when we have so much else going on! I wish it were easier to find sitters here, though.
April 17th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
I love this post. It made me miss Eric even more.
I really believe that what you wrote about is a pretty good indicator of how well your marriage in general is working out. You have to be able to trust your partner to do their own thing, and you have to have separate lives! How boring would life be if your mate was up your ass all the time?
Kudos, dear.
April 17th, 2007 at 2:53 pm
One of the very first fights my husband and I had when we were dating was because he asked my permission to go to a bar with his friends. I freaked out and told him I did not want to be his mother. I told him I trusted him to be truthful, and that is all I wanted. I am all for respect, and common courtesy about being where you say you are going to be, but if you don’t have freedom to be your own person, you have nothing at all. Although I have to agreen with whoever posted above that sometimes when my husband is tired and doesn’t want to do something with his friends, instead of just telling them that, I have overheard him telling them I “won’t let him”, which pisses me off a tiny bit because the day you hear me say he “can’t” do something or that I won’t “allow it” is the day I am out of here.
But, I really need to get a babysitter and start dating my husband again! You make it sound lovely!
April 17th, 2007 at 4:21 pm
I love dating my husband. It is the reason I married him in the first place.
April 17th, 2007 at 9:29 pm
hm. I have tons of freedom, as does my guy.
but.
In defense of Rob’s wife I must say this. Maybe Rob had been out many nights that week and wifey was left holding the bag. Maybe Rob is one of those guys who WANTS to go home but is to afraid to say it. Maybe Rob has come home hammered and unable to function the next morning one too many times.
I dunno Karen, I just never completely see just one side of the story, and I would not want to paint a woman into a dark corner cause she expected her husband home that night.
April 18th, 2007 at 7:32 am
Tuesday night hockey is my favourite night. I watch what I want on TV (okay, I usually do, I just have to fight with John first), stay awake in bed reading till late late and just enjoy some time alone.
It wasn’t always this easy for each of us to be our own person as well as each other’s spouses. When the babies were young young we both had to sacrifice some time away to help the other. This only reinforces why I love being where we are so much!
April 18th, 2007 at 11:13 am
I don’t nag. Doug goes out with the boys far more than I go out with the girls and that’s only because I suffer huge mommy guilt when I take time away. I’m working on that. I promise.
My only pet peeve is that when he does go out, he tells me what time he’ll be home and I count on that only because if he’s not home when he says he is, I freak out about car accidents or such. I only request that I get a courtesy call to let me know if plans change. If I don’t, you’re damned right I’m calling the cell phone just to make sure he’s alive.
As for Rob — his excuse, blaming the wife, is Classic Wimp. He doesn’t want to tell his friends that he didn’t want to stay out. I only know this from experience as a bartender. The men who didn’t want to have a beer always played the wife card. If a man really wanted a beer, if he really wanted to hang with the homeys he’d find a way to make that happen.
April 18th, 2007 at 1:40 pm
Amen sister, AMEN! I have season tickets to the theatre with a friend. I am in a book club. I am a separate person and I will continue to enjoy time away. I only wish my husband had friends to do things with like Daren. He needs some guy friends!
April 18th, 2007 at 3:28 pm
I can’t WAIT to send my husband off packing on 3, 4, 5 day trips. When his friends ask “if” he can go somewhere and “if” it’s OK with me, I’m saying, “When are you leaving? Should I go pack your bag?”
Do I go out and party and stuff while he’s gone? Usually not. I stay home and enjoy the quiet and the un-messed-up house.
April 19th, 2007 at 10:22 am
I agree! My BIL’s (soon to be ex) wife is the nag type. The ‘boys’ go to Vegas once a year for a week. She’s a disaster and begins to call him before he even gets to the airport.
Me? I’m pushing mine out of the house - ready for my “alone” week to start. Only rule(s): Come home safe and don’t bankrupt us. (I’m not worried about other women, I know he’s all mine)
I’ve been invited to Vegas week by the guys (as I’m considered one of the “cool” wives too) but, I think they need their boy time so, I decline.
April 19th, 2007 at 9:07 pm
Dude, you are my idol.
April 19th, 2007 at 11:18 pm
Ha! My husband works from home, so I’m with Annie’s comment above… “Can I pack your bag?”
That said, I do nag. Not the “come home now” nagging, but the “I NEED my time, so come take over with the kids NOW” nagging.
April 20th, 2007 at 5:59 pm
The only time he’ll get the phone call FROM me is if I start getting worried because I expected him home at a certain time. I start imagining car accidents. And yeah - if they’re going to move the party or stay out later - I want to know so I don’t worry. But I actually don’t care what he does or who with, I enjoy the quiet.
April 21st, 2007 at 7:13 am
Well now you know who has a good sex life with her husband and who doesn’t.
May 3rd, 2008 at 10:30 am
[...] talked about dating your husband before…but dating your kids? [...]