Queen of the Hill
June 4, 2007
Late last night we had a very abrupt power outage that interrupted my kid-free internetty-goodness and forced me to write this with PEN and PAPER. <— That first sentence alone took 12 minutes to write. I mean, does anyone write anything anymore, short of scribbling out spouse notes for Kotex, the long kind with no wings, and Good God, UNSCENTED, not those Spring Fresh pieces of shit you got last time making me smell like a goddamn nest of rabid squirrels.
Ahem.
The shittiest part about this power outage is that the whole freaking neighbourhood comes outside, Stupid Signs hanging ’round their necks, standing around like an episode of King of the Hill.
“Power’s out eh?”
“Yeah it is.”
“Wonder what’s wrong?”
“Probably the whole grid, eh?”
“Ya think?”
At which point, I’m sitting in my house, scrawling this by candlelight, whisper-yelling through my teeth at Ruffy, to shut-the-fuck-up it’s only Hank Hill and his merry band of-Dumbass stating the obvious and it’s okay to not bark just this once.
The potent, nose-burning smell of the caramel-apple candle is stirring coffee cake cravings within my belly, coffee cake that I could not make if I wanted to, and now I have you craving it too because I like to share my pain. Bwaaahahahahaha!
I can hear every single noise outside, including two dogs at opposite ends of the block, barking back and forth and why don’t they just CALL EACH OTHER ALREADY? Well maybe they are assholes like the rest of us and only have cordless phones which run on The Power we do not have.
In an effort to save the beer from Death by Skunkitude (not quite this valiant effort), I crack one open, cross the street barefoot and join the Fraternity: Phi Beta Obvious.
“Population will see a spike here in 9 months, eh boys?” I smile.
Hank and the Dumbasses raise their eyebrows at me, “Eh?” Slow grins spread across their faces as they mumble goodbyes.
Not a minute later, the street is quiet, and I return home.
Daren was still at hockey, and it had been a while now since we lost power. Something like 3 days has passed because I’M WRITING THIS BY HAND AND OH MY GOD THE KNUCKLE CRAMPS, for you, Internets, all for you.
I got thinking about ghosts, because the flicker of the candle is making me all imaginationary and I’m creeping myself out so why not creep you guys out too?
When Dylan was about 3, we lived in a 3 bedroom townhouse and the previous renters, so we were told, were abusive to their daughter. They were the type of people that got those late night domestic breakups from our city’s finest.
Dylan’s bedroom was quite small and the only way to arrange the room was to have the foot of his bed facing the bedroom door.
I know, not at all Feng Shui, but we were renting and I’m sure I read somewhere that renting and Feng Shui allows for a loophole.
One night, while tucking Dylan in, he sat up to hug me and looked past my shoulder. “Hi,” he said, in a surprised voice.
I laughed and said hi back, thinking he was just being silly.
Then I looked at his eyes. He was clearly looking over my shoulder. I turned and looked into the hallway.
Nothing.
Looking back at Dylan, my heart pounding, I said calmly, “Who are you saying hi to?”
“That girl,” he replied, pointing his tiny finger to the doorway.
I’m really open minded about spirits and such, although deathly afraid of horror movies, especially those where children are involved. The Ring was the last horror flick I saw and I still cannot even think about that movie without getting worked up. I know, I’m a pussy. Whatever. See if you can stand being scared by murder and gore after surviving your own brain’s tricks of violent imagery during post-partum depression. it isn’t easy.
Anyway, Dylan then told me the little girl comes to see him and she is nice.
We never found out what, if anything, happened to the little girl. I do hope whether she is alive or dead, that she has found peace.
So here I am, 6 pages of scribbles in, I suppose my hand might fall off between this and the house stuff we tackled this weekend.
Oh and I meant to tell ya`ll that Papa had a triple bypass and is recovering nicely. His biggest beef was that Granny took his teeth home with her the night of the surgery and he didn’t have them in to flash them at the pretty nurses.
We’re playing it by ear as to when we can go up and see him. I would have liked to have gone up this past weekend but it`s 4-5 hours each way and I’m sure he would much rather be home, where his oldest granddaughter can sneak him whiskey and dirty jokes.
June 4th, 2007 at 8:08 am
I got chills reading the part about the little girl. Like you, I saw The Ring and can not even think about it without getting a little spooked. I tend toward having an overactive imagination, so movies like that just fuel my craziness.
We have one phone that is not cordless. I bought it after we lost power a few years ago and my son had an asthma attack but I could not plug in his nebulizer because our power was out, and I couldn’t call anyone to come help us because I didn’t yet have a cell phone and we only had cordless phones. Luckily after I freaked out that “Oh my God my son will die all because we don’t have a phone with a cord” I remembered that I had a car adapter for his nebulizer and we were all fine. I am quite dramatic sometimes! But I did go out and buy a corded phone for “just in case”.
June 4th, 2007 at 9:45 am
Uh……Whats wrong with stating the obvious? PS I saw Papa yesterday and he looks good. Aside from complaining about the hospital food and the man who sees little people at night that he is currently sharing a room with all is well! Love ya
June 4th, 2007 at 9:48 am
Ingenious way to clear the street…Freaking ingenious.
I’m impressed with the long hand too. Impressed and flattered you thought that much of me. BWAHAHAHA
June 4th, 2007 at 10:43 am
The little girl freaked me out. I SWEAR to this day that I had seen a little boy at my dad’s old farm house when I was younger. The thought of people encountering spirits and shit freaks me right out.
Glad Papa’s doing well! LOL about the teeth! Too funny!
June 4th, 2007 at 2:20 pm
I’m like you re: scary movies and “spirits.” I’m convinced our kids see things we can’t.
Thanks for risking your hand for us.
June 4th, 2007 at 10:00 pm
Oh my. That’s just creepy! I believe in ghosts and I think I would have grabbed my little one and ran! I’m a big baby like that.
So glad to hear Pappa is okay! Give him my best.
June 4th, 2007 at 10:25 pm
I just re-read this. Holy all over the place, Batwoman.
Thanks for stopping by, peoples.
June 4th, 2007 at 11:47 pm
The fact that this post is all over the place is exactly why I like it and had to Share it. A glimpse into the mind of Vodkarella? I insist that pen and paper will bring out a different side of you. So yeah, to answer your question, I am totally old school and still keep a pen and paper journal. Yeah, it takes a lot longer, but there’s a different kind of connection there.
Good to hear about Papa.
June 5th, 2007 at 4:30 am
I’m glad that Papa’s ok.
Watched The Ring too and the Japanese version of it freaked me out for a whole week. The Hollywood one was just.. Meh.
Anyway, my youngest sis sees things too and we told her not to tell us anything if she sees something we don’t. Middle sis and I have a very active imagination as it is. We don’t need her to fuel it even more, thank you very much.
June 5th, 2007 at 3:11 pm
Yeah, I’m with you. “The Ring” spooked my shit out. I want to see the Japanese version. That’d definitely freak me out about your boy seeing some spirit girl. Weird, I don’t believe in ghosts (cuz I’ve never seen one) but I still love ghost stories.
June 5th, 2007 at 3:42 pm
“Writing” is SO last century.
I LOVE when the power goes out and it’s dark and I can light all the candles. Once a couple people knocked on my door to ask WHY I had power and they didn’t (because I have about 1000 candles) PLUS I have battery back-up on the computer and can continue to surf or type for about 20 minutes, ha-ha!
No ghosts, though. That’s trippy.
June 5th, 2007 at 6:05 pm
I like the all-over-the-placeieness of this post. A nice journey thru the quiet with you.