FALSE: I drink every day, which is why I re-named this site Vodkarella.

June 21, 2007 Me, Unplugged

Oh my God. Seriously, guys? You thought so?

Well, um YOU, YOU, YOU, and YOU thought so. Jackasses.

And LawyerMama? You’re are totally cruisin’ with that answer.

There is no way I could drink every day. There are times that I will have one or two or six around dinnertime, for like, 3 days in a row, and then I won’t drink for weeks. It just depends what kind of mood I’m in and what life is throwing at me, because I get headaches really easily and if I’m working a lot (like I am now) the computer screen makes me lil head hurt. I really really really need my eyes checked.

BLAH BLAH BLAH SHUDDAP KAREN.

On a totally unrelated note, I decided to dig through my site meter to see what brought people here, just today. I don’t save these things up, though I should because some of these made me pee a little:

1. Every thought I have flies out of my mouth like a little bird. You really ought to get that checked. Don’t birds carry diseases, like um, rotavirus? Oh that’s mice. Well still, little birds? Is that a metaphor from some far off land? The funny part is, I’m the #1 slot for that search phrase. Wow. My mother would be proud. Now there’s a falling down drunk! Good times.

2. what leprosy looks like. Why you would want to know is beyond me, but do not hit the images button on Google, mmmkay? The hit went to this entry, where I pondered Thomas’ life as a gay man. That wouldn’t be so bad, really. At least I would have someone to go shopping with.

3. getting rid of cankles. I still get about 50-100 hits a DAY for this. It’s because Sassy and I were joking about cankles, like way back here and here. I also get hate mail for that every once in a while. It’s fun. The shitty part about my archives from back then is that I was using Haloscan comments and I couldn’t transfer them when I moved to this domain from Blogger. Suckage.

4. spanking machines. Ha. I don’t want to know why someone is searching for one, but the video I posted in this entry still cracks me up.

Now you need to go see Karly because she has written the funniest thing I’ve read in a while. I could picture the whole thing. Oh and it must be Finger Day, because Catherine is flippin’ the bird at Tardy McAsshole Von F***tard.? Or maybe it’s Asshole Week, cuz the Queen had a bit of trouble regarding the Tit Brigade.

Best New Show on TV

June 20, 2007 BlogPants

Honey, We’re Killing the Kids.? Watch it.

TRUE: I started college at 17, in the nursing program.

BlogPants

Biggest. Mistake. Ever.

Yes, after Grade 12, I went to college for nursing. My first clinical experience was in a Retirement Home, which I’m sorry, is a very sad place. We spent full days at the home, I think once or twice a week. Old people can be really funny though.

I was walking by this row of chairs that faced the nursing station and nearly all the chairs were filled with the elderly patients, who were watching the nurses like they were a spectator sport, talking among themselves, etc. At end of the row, a lady grabbed my wrist. I knelt down to talk to her, and she asked, “Where’s my sister?”

“I uh,” I stammered. I was a nervous teen and these old people were kinda creeping me out, to be honest. She had a small, sweet face, and her eyes pleaded with me to give her attention. I remember thinking, This is somebody’s grandmother and she is SO cute.

“Where’s my sister, dear?” she asked again, smiling.

The lady next to her was a large woman, and she bellowed out in a deep voice, “Ethel, I told you. She’s DEAD.”

I looked at the sweet lady and grimaced. Before I could mutter “I’m sorry,” she let go of my hand, and put her hands together in a prayer position. I was quiet, holding my breath, not sure what to do.

She slapped her lap with both hands in frustration, and looked at her friend. The friend stared back, and repeated, “She’s dead.”

“AGAIN?” The sweet lady asked.

It was all I could do not to laugh.

As the year wore on, we were assigned residents. Here we would learn how to bathe, lift, and care of our patients. “Frank” was my resident, and he had no arms and no legs. Again I thought that this is somebody’s grandparent and as I learned how to bathe him in bed and brush his teeth, I wondered what his life had been like, who came to visit him, what kind of man he was. I was gentle and careful with him, despite the training nurse telling me I had to be faster.

The next day, I went straight to Frank’s room when I arrived. His nameplate had vanished from the door, and his was bed empty. Confused, I went to the main nursing station to inquire about him. I approached a heavy-set Jamaican nurse and meekly asked where Frank was.

“Oh chile, he has gone to Glory, baby!” She threw her hands up to the heavens.

I stared at her in disbelief and locked myself in the bathroom adjacent to where she was standing. I sobbed big, fat tears for Frank. This place was so sad, and the nurses told me that a lot of resident’s families never came. I cried for every last one of them.

My nursing instructor knocked on the door and told me I needed a tougher skin. That this was only the beginning. I handed her my clipboard and badge, and told her I quit. I just couldn’t cut it as a nursing student, much less a nurse.

So to nurses everywhere: you are a special breed and I admire you very much.

Want to play? Add your guesses for #’s 8-10 here, and let me know if you’re playing on your blog too!

Two Year Old Rocking It to System of a Down

June 18, 2007 BlogPants

Two Year Old Rocking It to System of a Down.

Miss B Havens

BlogPants

This morning I was thinking about answering # 7 about nursing, but my mind wandered to a nurse I know.? Well, I know her from teh internets.

Miss B Havens is one of my customers at Swank.? She runs a videoblog, and while I’ve only had a few minutes here and there to actually watch her videos, this one cracked me up so much, I had to share it with you.? Neither one of my grandmothers smoke, but my best friends parents do, and I can totally see “Mom” and “Dad” doing something like this.? It wasn’t even so much about the cigarettes, it was the hilarity knowing that my own family would sit around and do something this kind, despite the irony of what Grandma wants from the whole exercise.? You’ll see.

I know we all have a million blogs in our Blog Readers, but this one is special.? I guarantee you will love Miss B Havens as much as I do.? Have fun!

Dear Daren,

June 17, 2007 family

As I sit home alone on Father’s Day (damn lung-takeover by snot-overlords!), I’m thinking of you. Of how, on the one day of the year I’m supposed to be all June Cleaverish on your ass and cook you breakfast and stuff, I’m wallowing in coughing fits and nausea. And you, you amazing creature you, taking the kids to the grocery store and the pharmacy all afternoon, being the very man they look up to and adore, are taking today in stride, as you do with every time you need to steer the ship.

This past year has been our most important I think. We have grown closer than ever, and I continue to fall head over heels in love with you every single day. I appreciate every moment of our marriage with great fervor and marvel at your ability to be the most amazing father on this planet. Your patience seems to know no limits with these boys. You don’t raise your voice, you raise your faith in their spirit. You watch them try, fail, try again, and succeed, without taking over, but rather, you let them learn for themselves. You teach them so many things, and yet you also teach them how to react, how to lead, and how to speak to others. You are a shining example of any human being, but more so, a shining example of a Real Man.

I hope upon hope, more than anything, that our sons turn out to be just like you. You are the most special person in the entire world that I have ever met, and I love you with every fiber of my being, as your best friend, your wife, and on this day, as the mother of our two boys.

Thank you for being our Perfect Family Man.

Love,

Me

xo

EW!

BlogPants

The creepiest email I’ve ever read.? Prepare to taste bile.? Ew!

I Won’t Lie Today.

family

I am thinking about him.? His round face, his dark hair.? I sometimes look at my own face and see him.? Memories of the years he spent trying to wow me with trips to Centre Island, the CN Tower, my first computer: a Vic 20, my first radio (with a tape deck!), and drippy Popsicles in his white compact car.? I remember tracing the shape of the line of dark trim on the side of that car on the weekends we spent together.? It was like I was trying to remember every detail.? I remember sneaking looks at him, when he thought I wasn’t looking.? I can’t help but still love him.

Happy Father’s Day, Dad, wherever you are.? I hope your heart is at peace.

TRUE: Though I love my kids, 0-3 years are my least favorite time.

June 16, 2007 family

Yep, it’s true. Let me preface by at least saying it wasn’t ALL bad. In fact, with Dylan, aside from the heart trouble, he was pretty good until he hit that stage where he didn’t nap anymore, instead crashing in the car on the way home from the sitters. The dinner hour.

Thomas is at that stage now.

At around 3, kids learn to DO more. They definitely walk more, relieving the strain on your back. They are better at telling you what they need. There is a glimmer of hope of potty training, though I’m starting to believe Thomas may need size 18 diapers packed alongside his calculus book someday. He simply is NOT interested.

When asked if he would like to go potty, he says he “wikes going poop in his diaper.” Good luck getting a girlfriend, Stinkpot. Girls don’t typically go for guys that smell like ass, but then I guess they marry us and see that as a license to fart so maybe he is the smart one in this equation.

I certainly see age 3 as a bit of a relief for parents. Sleeping 8 hours in a row, nipples back in place, underoos on the horizon…3 is lookin’ pretty damn good.

Course with Dylan being nearly 9, I’ve been thinking about the next few years and how the friends he keeps are already influencing his life. His best friend at school introduced him to Green Day, and recently, My Chemical Romance. As a bit of a music snob, knowing my kid likes bands that hock their merch at Walmart kinda bugs me.

While I know he is better off having me as a parent than a friend, I am biting my tongue in half because he is growing his hair long. Up until yesterday, it was in his eyes, and he fought me tooth and nail about going to the hairdresser. The funny part was that I didn’t think the haircut did him any justice, in fact, I should have left it alone, because now the poor kid looks kinda like um, Rebecca. Who is very pretty, but clearly does not have the style of a Green Day lovin’ 8 year old boy.

I got to thinking about the next 9 years and what kinds of things he might throw at us. What about tattoos? At what age can I just let go and let him make that decision? Does a 15, 16, 17, 18 year old know what they really want at that age? What about alcohol? What kind of drugs will exist a few years from now? What kind of grades will he get? What if he quits school? What if he gets in trouble with the law? What kinds of friends will he bring home? OH MY GOD WHAT KINDS OF GIRLS WILL HE DATE? (What if he doesn’t date girls at all?)

Yeah, so ask me that question about ages 0-3 in a few years. I bet my answer will change.

Want to play? Add your guesses for #’s 7-10 here, and let me know if you’re playing on your blog too!

Denny’s Waitress, I Heart You

June 14, 2007 BlogPants

10 Reasons why you need to tip your Denny’s Waitress really well.