Embarrassing Sex Moment
August 10, 2007
Hi, I’m Dana from The Dana Files.? I’m guest posting on Vodkarella’s blog today and let me tell you I am very excited about this!? Except, I have to confess I was freaking out about what to post here.?
I had all these ideas flowing through the rushing river that is my brain, but none of them really were fascinating.? And then I started to panic, thinking I wouldn’t have anything good to write about.?
But then Wednesday night, the Blog Gods?heard my prayers and gave me some great material.? And it’s hilarious.? And something I could never post at my own blog because my Catholic mother reads me even though she denies it.
Are you ready??
I’m taking a big, bloggy breath.?
Inhale.? Exhale.
Here goes:
My toddler walked in on my husband and?me having sex.
I’m hiding under the desk.? I’ll be out after the shame disappears.
Okay.? I know it’s not a big deal.??Dawson is?not quite three years old.? He probably, I sure as hell hope,?has no idea what sex is.? And even though this episode is flashing in my mind, I know I’m not Charlotte York and I know that sex is not dirty.? Despite what all those “good” Catholics say to discourage their teenagers from pre-marital relations.
I know you’re wondering how this?happened.
It was 9:00 p.m. on Wednesday night.? Dawson was still awake because we regrettably let him take a late nap at 4 o’clock.? I tried my best to get The Doodlebug to bed because The Hubby and I…umm…made a date…to fornicate.? I know bad choice of words, but it rhymes!
Yes, a sex date.? What can I say?? We both work full-time, we have crazy, conflicting schedules and it had been awhile.? If I didn’t put this on the calendar it never would’ve happened.? And considering I’m the one doing all the initiating these days (entirely?different story there), nothing was getting in the way of our rendezvous.? Plus, I was really in the mood.
What? Don’t give me that look.?
I may be Catholic, but I’m not dead from the waist down.? And we’re married.? It’s all good.??Besides, I’ve already revealed what’s in my goody drawer, and I even did a sex-themed radio?show with the Mominatrix.? And it could have been worse.? This could have happened to us.? That is if we lived with my in-laws.? Ewww.? I don’t want to think about that.?
Back to?my sex talk,? shall we?
So, as I was saying, Dawson refused to go to bed.? I gave him a bath, dressed him in his jammies, grabbed his favorite blanket and put Peter Pan into the DVD player.? I waited twenty minutes for Dawson to become mesmerized by the movie and then grabbed The Hubby and headed for the bedroom.
“I think we have to make this quick, you don’t mind do you?” I asked.
“Whatever.? I guess I’m just your sex slave, huh?” he said with a laugh.
Ten minutes later we were in the middle of our business.? I can’t even name the position we were in, because suddenly I’m really embarrassed.? But I was on my hands and knees if you catch my drift.? I’m blushing as I type this.?
I didn’t even hear the door open.? Who knows how long?the Doodlebug had?been standing there.
“Dawson!? Get out!? Get out!” my husband shrieked.
I looked up and saw Dawson’s silhouette in the doorway.? Thank God the lights are off, I thought.
I rolled over so quickly that I fell off the bed and started to laugh and cry at the same time.? My husband tried to shoo?our son out of the room as Dawson spanked his father on the leg.
“Stop spanking my Mumma, Daddy!” Dawson yelled.?
(What!?? A little spanking never hurt anyone.? Okay, wait.? That’s not what I meant.? Shutting up now.)
“Dawson, go back to the living room.” The Hubby said.
“Don’t hurt my Mumma!” Dawson yelled back.
At this point I was laughing so hard I snorted.? I couldn’t take it.??I didn’t know what to do.?? The?Hubby put on his shorts and took Dawson back to the living room.? He gave Dawson?a bowl of ice cream, thinking this would make up for the trauma we caused.? I figured it would keep him occupied in addition to the movie so we could continue.?
When Hubby?returned to the bedroom?he was not as amused as I was.?
“This really isn’t funny, you know.” He started to put his shirt on.? “He’s probably scarred for life.”
“What???Nah!??He doesn’t know what we were doing!”?? I said, still laughing.?? “You’re gonna let this get to you?? Looks like we’ll never have any more kids!”
We finished our business quickly and afterwards, I put on?my nightgown?and went to check on Dawson.??
When he saw me he said, “Daddy’s naughty, Mumma.? He can’t jump?you.”
I started to snicker, trying desperately to gain composure.? I found it funny that he omitted the word “on”, as in “jump ON you”.
“Doodlebug, what do you think Daddy and Mumma were doing?” I asked.
“Daddy, touched Mumma’s butt.” he said.? Apparently he can see very well in the dark.
“Yes, he did, but we were just playing.” I said.
“Daddy spanked Mumma? ?Mumma is naughty?” he asked.
Choking with laughter, ?I said, “Yes, Dawson.? Mumma is naughty.? She forgot to lock the bedroom door.”
Three-year-olds don’t have good memories, right?? I mean, I don’t think I remember anything before age four, anyway.? I can only imagine the therapy this child is going to need if he doesn’t forget this incident quickly!
August 10th, 2007 at 7:27 am
OMG. Dana!!!!
GREAT, GREAT, GREAT! (Though, I can’t get the mental image out of my head) I laughed the whole way through that!
WITH you not AT you of course!
August 10th, 2007 at 8:06 am
Oh…he’ll forget it…AFTER he tells the grandparents…then THEY’LL never forget it.
August 10th, 2007 at 8:28 am
Sam, I’m telling you…I still crack up when I think about it. And I keep watching for signs that our child isn’t traumatized. I’m sure he’s fine, and if anything, I’ve learned my lesson: No sex while the toddler is even partially awake.
Daisy, that’s my fear. We’re going to my parents house tomorrow night for dinner. I’m going to have to follow Dawson around to make sure he doesn’t say anything he shouldn’t! Especially in front of my mother!
August 10th, 2007 at 8:50 am
OMG!! ROFLMAO!
I thankfully have never had this happen to me. Although we have had a few close calls.
He’ll be fine…but there is a great chance that he will tell his preschool teacher, priest, or grocery cashier….that’s just the way of a 3 year old.
Best keep him out of the public eye for a while
LOL.
August 10th, 2007 at 8:56 am
hahahah! this is freakin’ hilarious.
emily once walked in on us and said, “daddy, you need to tell mommy to put some pants on” - she was around 3 and saw everything. and she’s totally not scarred. so…there’s hope for you!
August 10th, 2007 at 8:59 am
My 7 year old walked in on me and a boyfriend, in a quite compromising position. As far as I know, now that he is 13, he doesn’t remember that. So hopefully your boy won’t be scarred for life.
Thanks for sharing.
August 10th, 2007 at 9:08 am
Chris, I will absolutely die if he repeats what he saw to anyone. I mean it’s funny now, but later? Not so much. Heh. I’m still blushing.
Ali, thank you for the support! If your daughter is okay, I’m sure Dawson will be just fine!
Shanna, I can’t imagine Dawson repeating this at age 7. I don’t know what I’d do! But I’m glad your son has no recollection!
August 10th, 2007 at 9:16 am
[...] I’m at Vodkarella’s today.? Come visit me! Posted by Dana @ 6:18 am • Blog Blasts [...]
August 10th, 2007 at 9:21 am
OMG. You’ve survived my worst nightmare.
And, true, kids don’t remember their preschool years when they’re older but they sure seem to remember a lot right now. Son is nearly 4 yo and he can recount things from when he was 2. And he’s right. And it’s stuff I forgot. So, uhm, I’d be bribing that kid. Otherwise everyone in town and family will know what a naughty mommy he has and the daddy had to jump her.
August 10th, 2007 at 10:34 am
Catherine, you’re making me laugh. I should bribe him to stay quiet? I might try that.
August 10th, 2007 at 10:54 am
Um, I hate to be the bearer of bad news… Boy 1 accidentally walked in on his dad and I when he was 4. He still remembers it, and brings it up every once in a while… Lovely.
August 10th, 2007 at 11:56 am
great post!!! i wouldn’t worry too much about it. fun memories for the entire family!
August 10th, 2007 at 4:19 pm
Woman with Kids, for real? Still remembers? Oh no!
Zack, thanks! I hope this memory fades Dawson’s mind, though!
August 10th, 2007 at 4:31 pm
Dana
That also happened to us. Although it was more like Shanna - it was MY 6 1/2 year old daughter walking in to the living room (I know, I know - invest in the door) on my boyfriend and I.
I was caught like a rabbit in the headlights, with bf whispering “tell her to go back to bed, tell her to go back to bed.”
She, unfortunately has not forgotten the time she found “Mummy dancing on top of V with no clothes on”
August 10th, 2007 at 5:05 pm
Thanks for posting this, Dana. My biggest chuckle yet of the day. I tried not to get a visual, but I have to admit. I did. A little.
Does that make me naughty?
August 11th, 2007 at 1:41 am
You should be okay, unless he decides to tell Grandma that he saw Doug “touching your butt” and “spanking” you. That might require some creative explaining! Remember Liz telling us that story about her daughter imitating the sounds she heard coming out of the bedroom? Ha!
Really, I’m sure it will be okay
August 11th, 2007 at 4:09 pm
Jeanie! I’m laughing because now I don’t feel so bad! Thanks for sharing your experience.
Gwen, I’m glad I could make you laugh, and I’m sorry about the visual, it really was funny!
Elizabeth, I’m just dying over here. I remember Liz’s story! At least I wasn’t making any sounds. I mean, I don’t think any strange ones.