Always One Foot On The Ground
September 26, 2007
I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds
I hear in my mind
All these voices
I hear in my mind all these words
I hear in my mind all this music …
~ Regina Spektor, Fidelity
I can honestly say I love Daren and the kids fully. With everyone else, including myself, I do have one foot on the ground.
That is about to change.
I’ve been abusing myself for years ~ a silent string of insults in my head and sometimes coming out of my mouth:
“God, I’m so fat.”
“If I had self-discipline, I could be better at controlling the food one way or another.”
“I’m so stupid.”
“I can’t have that, I’ll only gain more weight.”
“I can’t participate in ____, I’m too fat.”
“What are you doing in the kitchen AGAIN, you dumbass.”
“I’m such a lazy ass.”
None of these things are actually true, I know, but some of us are our own worst enemies. Would you call your friends any of those things? I hope not.
Furthermore, my oldest picked up this crappy attitude towards himself and began calling himself names that didn’t fit him either.
This morning before I went to the gym to meet with my trainer, I had this whole different post planned for the Stop the Abuse campaign I wrote about last night.
As my trainer showed me new moves with free weights, made me do squats for the first time in my life (you might recall I was asked to squat once before and how well that went),and introduced me to new machines, I said some things that she finally called me on.
I called myself a fatass, made jokes about my klutziness and although I didn’t complain about the work I was doing to improve myself, I was being very negative about ME.
My trainer told me that while I was doing all this work, I was being too hard on myself and that I needed to stop talking like that, to be more positive. She was really sweet about it, but stopped me in my tracks. She said that even by joking about ourselves that way, it’s negative. Pairing that with the fact that I constantly joke about whatever pains me, I think she is right.
You see, I went through a self shit-kicking in the last year that stemmed from a huge surge of emotions coming to surface after suppressing those very emotions for years. In short, I went a little nutty. I lost friends, I pissed off family. Hell, I pissed off strangers and readers! I felt very alone. And now? I feel pretty stupid about sharing it all with the internet.
Live and learn, I suppose. I won’t delete it ~ it’s part of my growth over the last year and I’m proud I made it through all of that.
For those who weren’t here for that, basically I was drinking a lot, starving myself, acting out, and being a hot mess in terms of my emotional topography on a daily basis. It was everything short of shaving my head. It’s all here on this site somewhere if you care to dig.
This self-abuse was so destructive, that I nearly wound up in the psych ward. My doctor wanted to put me away ~ called me bi-polar ~ wanted me on Lithium. That alone was scary enough to at least warrant a huge step: opening up to Daren about everything I’ve never shared with anyone. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, and yet best possible thing I could have done.
While I’m still healing, and have come a long way since what we can call Karen Rani’s Nervous Breakdown of 2007, up until a few weeks ago, when I hired the trainer and decided to do things right for my body, I was still drinking. Every. Single. Night.
I love wine. Wine makes me tingle and numb and never makes me sick, like vodka does now. Funny thing about that Vodkarella, she hates vodka now…what will she do about her site name? Ideas?
The Self Abuse Train has stopped. It’s sitting on the tracks, always there to chug up again, but this time I’m tossing the keys in the river and walking away.
I’m walking towards daily fitness, towards the advice of my trainer, who says 5 small meals a day and lots of water, towards only drinking on the weekends, if at all, towards moderation, self control and positive thinking and speaking (and writing).
I want to love myself fully. There are some difficult habits to break, like this self-depreciating inner voice, but I’m giving it my best shot. I have a lot of personal goals, like getting fit enough to run a marathon by next spring, and learn to skate well enough to play hockey next winter, but this one goal is most definitely the most important for a lot of us, I think.
Ironically enough, tomorrow (September 27th) marks one full year of not smoking. What a way to celebrate!
So while I applaud those of you who are already at this point in your lives, and I’m anxious to join you, I suspect I’m not alone in this journey and hope that those who know they need to, will Stop the Abuse: of themselves.
xo
September 26th, 2007 at 7:16 pm
I am always putting myself down in the worst possible ways & mostly I believe it completely it can range from being ugly to being lazy, thick & a bad mother it kills me inside but I know it’s true. I think the worst one is when I know I’m a pathetic mother & that my son deserves better than me a useless mom who will just be a burden or embarassement when he’s older.
I know what you mean about it being a struggle to stop because when you tell yourself those things for so long you believe them & no-one can tell you any different.
September 26th, 2007 at 7:17 pm
[...] Also posted here. [...]
September 26th, 2007 at 7:34 pm
This is why I love you so much. You see a problem and you work to fix it. You do need to be kind to yourself. You are so awesome to other people, and if you could only extend that same kindness to yourself, you would be in a very happy place. Until then, I will keep reminding you how awesome you are, and that you deserve to treat yourself well. Good for you for writing this!
September 26th, 2007 at 7:52 pm
How wise of your trainer to point this out and how wise of you to listen. I should join you. I have been told this before. It’s a very hard thing to stop. I always figured I’d say the nasty thing before anyone else did - as if it would hurt less.
September 26th, 2007 at 11:53 pm
karen,
good for you for seeing what you need to do and having the courage to do it.
to commemorate bloggers united against abuse, i wrote about something i don’t want to remember, but i do…
http://fromtheplanetofjanet.blogspot.com/2007/09/remembering-him.html
September 27th, 2007 at 12:17 am
Karen, life is always a journey and they are never easy. You are a brave women for admitting so many things which make you feel insecure about yourself. From what I’ve read about you on this site. You are always strong when you have to be. Your biggest fear is who others think you are. Your afraid that in spite of what you’ve accomplished, such as this site…it’s not really enough. Break free of what you think you should be and enjoy the treasure of who you are. There is nothing little about what you’ve accomplished here, not even mentioning how many people love to read your stuff and are fully enlightened and entertained.
You have the abiity to empower women, stand up and be counted, there ain’t alot of gals out here like that…
I will pray for your continued success within yourself. We all feel creepy, crummy, somedays…roll it off your shoulder and reread some of the wonderful comments from your readers…you are a success already and the comments are living proof… I love this site.
I will stop the abuse of me..thanks…..
Dorothy from grammology
call your grandma
September 27th, 2007 at 1:20 am
oh. oh. oh.
I don’t know if this is a blessing or a curse that I read this tonight. I particularly relate to this on many levels. I have the self-loathing “Tapes” that run through my head all the time.
I admire you for writing this. I needed it. It’s been a pretty horrifying day, and I could very well run my mouth non-stop on this comment, so I’m just going to say thank you for posting.
September 27th, 2007 at 10:18 am
Oh. My. God.
I know this is going to really piss you off, but I’m the same way.
I’ve been trying to stop acting this way; but its so hard. I don’t starve myself or drink too much though - but I am my worst enemy.
September 27th, 2007 at 10:38 am
[...] myself to take part of the “Blog Against Abuse” campaign. My cousin, Karen Rani, touched the very subject I have been arguing with myself about for quite some time; self loathing. In today’s post, I [...]
September 27th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Good for you, for posting about it and for working on it. And yea for quitting smoking for so long, that’s a hard one.
Mine’s here: http://phoenixsaysstuff.blogspot.com/2007/09/stop-abuse.html
September 27th, 2007 at 2:32 pm
It sounds like your trainer is very wise. Good for you!
September 27th, 2007 at 8:00 pm
Ohhh, I know that voice, the voice of self-abuse. Insidious. You don’t even hear it once you are used to it, except it’s still there. Congratulations on having the strength to notice it and begin to tell it to go away.
Learning to love myself is the hardest thing I’ve ever begun to work on.
Believe what others say about you, all those wonderful and good things you are afraid that aren’t really true. Believe that you are already whole and perfect and complete. You already possess everything that makes you the wonderful writer/mother/wife/person that you are.
And remember a year from now to look back and see where you came from just one year before.
September 28th, 2007 at 12:35 am
It’s really difficult to shut off those tapes. I call myself self-depracating, but in reality, it’s a defense mechanism - if I say it about myself first, then they won’t say (or think) it about me.
Good for you for doing something about it, for getting a trainer who seems compassionate and for staring your problems in the face. That takes a certain type of courage, one that many people just don’t have.
But I don’t think you should feel stupid about having all that stuff out there. It’s good, in a sort of painful way, to see how far you’ve come, how much you’ve changed. I’ve noticed it over the last few months, just dipping in and out of your blog, that you seem calmer somehow. That’s not quite the right word…. But you seem better.
September 28th, 2007 at 3:04 am
you…are…my…hero.
your kids are lucky that even before your love for them, you know your love for you must come first and then project outward like rays of light.
congrats on the no nicotine…and great choices in general.
September 28th, 2007 at 11:54 am
I’m so bummed I missed the Stop The Abuse Day because as you know I’m also no stranger to abuse. And it was on my birthday!
I’m really proud of you and the positive steps you are taking in your life. It’s so hard for those of us that were brought up to have little self worth and poor coping skills. We have to work that much harder to be “normal” or even keeled.
I also do the negative self talk and it can be debilitating. I recently had boudoir photos taken of myself to give my hubby for our 10th wedding anniversary. I’ve got new perky boobs and a flat tummy from my surgical intervention so I thought, why not? I made sure the photographer had excellent photoshop skills so she could fix my flaws. It ended up being great for my self esteem. The photographer did an amazing job of making me feel beautiful and sexy. I was pretty critical of myself during the shoot. I didn’t want to smile because my teeth are crooked, no profile shots because my nose is too big, keep the camera away from my fat ass, etc. She wouldn’t hear of it and by the end of the shoot I felt pretty good about myself and I hope I can keep the negative self talk at bay when I view the photographs. It was a great lesson for me because I realize that it really isn’t about how I look physically. I know my hubby thinks I’m beautiful and sexy no matter what and no matter how much plastic surgery I have or what clothes I wear are ever going to be good enough because my negative self talk is really about how I feel on the inside. I don’t feel worthy and often wonder why anyone would love me. It’s all those damn negative messages from childhood. Damn it. Seems like we can never get away from it.
I’m rambling.
Congrats on your no smoking anniversary. I think you are beautiful, smart, and kind. When you are feeling down just come read your comments or write a post and you will have 20 instant virtual hugs.
September 28th, 2007 at 7:27 pm
SO Good for you, Karen. The self diatribes suck the joy our of life. I know from experience.
September 28th, 2007 at 10:32 pm
Bloggers On Patrol, Blogging About Abuse: United We Blog…
BlogCatalog has initiated another meaningful blogging spree and, this time, bloggers across the globe are writing against abuse. Whether you want to talk about animal abuse, child abuse, ozone abuse or elderly abuse, the choice is yours! Step up to…
September 29th, 2007 at 10:59 am
Karen: I love you so much, you know that? You never seize to amaze me. You go girl! I KNOW you will do this.
I too have joined the smoke free alcohol free, even CAFFEINE free world recently, as you know due to an ulcer. That was my wake up call, that I am now 41..my life is pretty much 1/2 over. I’ve abused my body all this time, now it’s time to see what living a healthy life is like. I doubt I will play hockey or run a marathon, but if I can look atmyself even once…just look at myself in the mirror, and have a TRUE smile on this face, is a goal for me.
I will be there for you every “inch” of the way. You go girl. I know you can do this. I can SOOOOOOO see you playing hockey!!
September 30th, 2007 at 12:44 am
I was going to participate in this.
I had a post rumbling around in my head, an outline in my head…all I needed to do was write it.
And then I didn’t.
I don’t know why…I could blame it on the fact that I had a bunch of people in and out of my house on the 27th, or that I had to drive this person here and that person there, or a myriad of other excuses.
Ultimately, the excuses are irrelevant. Nonetheless, that post is still waiting to be written, and I’m already *trying* to implement the promises to myself that will be in it.
Sorry I didn’t come through.
October 2nd, 2007 at 12:36 pm
I think you have hit the nail on the head. Putting yourself down allows others to put you down because it has become acceptable in your mind. Being negative really doesn’t get us anywhere but I guess it never crossed ones mind to encourage ourselves. Its great that your changing your attitude about yourself and I think we can all learn something from you and your revelation. I know I can….Thank you.
PS I gotta name for you…..Winolicious….drink on it and let me know! Love S
October 5th, 2007 at 6:01 am
This is a great post. I had my own epiphany about this a while back.
I actually cut out all my self deprecating humor. It might seem like taking it too far, and it might make things a bit dull at times when I want to resort to my old sense of humor and no longer feel comfortable to do so, but it feels so good to reinforce the message to myself that I no longer want to use negative words and sentiments to describe myself.
It feels good to not put myself down when “accepting” a compliment, to make taking good care of me a priority. The power of words and thoughts are so strong and I don’t want to repeat the negative “tapes” about myeslf anymore, even in jest. I think it’s worked wonders for me.
Many years ago, a cookie led me to put down my eating issues and focus on health, not deprivation. Starving myself was not taking care of myself, was not healthy, and my entire thought process about eating and exercised changed in that one instant. All because I realized how ridiculous it was that I was no going to allow myself one cookie (which would have been okay if it was for health reasons, but for weight reasons when I was already thin? No.) Now, my focus is on health, not appearance and control. I weigh a little more (but then again it’s about a decade and one smoking habit later) but am healthier and happier.
The more I take care of myself (getting enough rest, nutrition, exercise, medical care, meditation, and cutting out the destructive stuff–smoking, unhealthy relationships, negative thinking, etc. ), and the more I keep the self destructive tendencies from coming out, the better I feel and the easier it gets. I hope the same is/will be true for you.
Many of us aren’t always as good to ourselves as we are to others–I think writing about this is so important, as it’s a reminder that we all deserve the same love and compassion we give our loved ones for ourselves as well.
October 5th, 2007 at 6:51 pm
[...] “Always One Foot on the Ground” Wow. Read this post about the journey of life and the ways in which we hurt ourselves along the [...]
October 10th, 2007 at 9:11 pm
YAY for stopping with the self-flagellation! I am working big time on stopping the self-abuse too and it is not easy! Like you, one of the tools in my tool-kit happens to be working out. and for a long time I was using that as YET ANOTHER freakin’ stick to beat myself up with. I had all these ideals in my head and all I could see was how I was falling short of them.
Through a LOT of work, time and VERY patient friends I’ve had some lovely little mind slips that I think will FINALLY stick. Like you said, realizing I would never talk to someone else the way I do myself is part of it. Another part of it is realizing that I have a tendancy to look for the best in others, that I search for *something* good in *most* people yet I refused to do that for myself.
Now, I look at work outs as ONE way to make myself stronger .. not in terms of muscle (which would be a nice bonus!) but instead, focusing on strengthening that teeeeeeeny part I DO like. I’m working on it through counseling, through writing, through chasing after a dream ….. and NONE of it is :all or nothing: … all of it is just different ways to come at the same thing ….
anyways .. LOOOONG winded comment …. :-*
YAY YOU! is REALLY what I meant to say! LOL!