Muffintop In Da House!
February 26, 2008
I’ve been cheating on you, dear readers. Averaging one post a week here for the last while is a direct result of my infidelity to this website, and I’m sorry.
I’ve been working on something bigger. Not necessarily better, just bigger.
My ass.
Rather than bore the living crap out of you with BMI (high), nutrition (meager), and cardio (pathetic), I thought I’d bring you the lighter side (pun intended) of getting into shape.
Welcome to a new category here at Sugarpants: Muffintop.
My personal trainer, G, is a young skinny bitch with the authority to kick my ass. I gave her that right when I signed on 8 sessions ago. I told her I wanted to “work out like an athlete, not a housewife.”
Little did I know she has been moonlighting as a torture expert for the CIA.
Punishing me is her favorite activity. My arms and legs have felt the hopeless defeat of “3 more” several times. My muscles have gotten to the point where I could not lift my arm or stand without feeling like my ass might fall off (one can only hope). She makes me laugh so hard when we do the ab work, I’m a useless Gumby by 15. Or um, 5.
During exercise, I hate her. I mean, I don’t hate her hate her, but Oh Em Gee she is tough. And she has no heart.
Last night she informed me we were getting to the end of our 12 sessions and I should purchase more sessions this week because her review is coming up so she will be more expensive after that because she’ll be a “Master.”
“Do I have to call you that? Master?” I asked.
She laughed, “No I’ll be a “Master Trainer.”
“Yes Master,” I teased. I made a few more Master jokes as we finished the weight machines and we went to the mats to do abs. Face up, I held her ankles and tried to kick her in the face do leglifts but she always won and pushed me down first.
Still making fun of her new title, we giggled like a couple of idiots through 45 32 21 8 leglifts before I asked her if I could call her Master Homie G In Da House.
She insisted. I’m totally going to buy her a giant clock to wear around her neck. Maybe it will weigh her head down low enough so I can kick her in the face.
Crossposted over at the Fabulous Mommybloggers Site!
February 26th, 2008 at 9:24 am
You rock the house, Karen. I seriously need to start exercising. Why must it seem so chore-like?
Karl’s last blog post..He Said, She Said
February 26th, 2008 at 10:03 am
[...] Karen @ Karen Sugarpants [...]
February 26th, 2008 at 10:35 am
Woman, don’t ya know? It’s no longer called muffintop, it’s Dunlap. You know, when your gut “dun lap” over the top of your pants…
I know this because as I sit here this is occuring over the top of my my too tight Old Navy housewife jeans.
Enjoy the personal training! Carey’s hubby is a PT and loves to kick my sorry behind too.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:26 am
You should find a crack-trainer… much like crack-whores, they are cheaper than the regular model, but still get the job done.* Though you might want to protect yourself from diseases (I’m not sure how intimate the “personal trainer experience” is).
*Or so I’ve heard.
February 26th, 2008 at 11:42 am
you are my hero.
janet’s last blog post..Stand up and CHEER!!
February 26th, 2008 at 12:03 pm
I have one of those people at my gym. She’s a drill sergeant, I swear. She makes me feel like killing her every time she tells me to do knee highs, higher.
Dana’s last blog post..Free Time
February 26th, 2008 at 12:07 pm
Go you! I do not have the self-esteem to subject myself to a trainer. No way I’ll let someone else watch me work out yet.
And my muffintop and I are seriously not talking right now. I think it’s on to my plot to destroy it.
Christina’s last blog post..Next Week She’ll Be Starting Physics
February 26th, 2008 at 12:32 pm
Oooh! I want a full accounting as to whether it is worth the price for weight loss or any other reason that might push me over the edge into spending this kind of money.
anne nahm’s last blog post..And When I Say the Letters ?PMS?, the Theme of this Post Becomes Clear.
February 26th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
My hubby makes his own fishing lures. He is a master at it. Of course he wanted to call his shop Master Baiter, but I told him it probably wasn’t a good idea.
And who knew torturers had levels? Of course I’m sure the master torturers get the good toys, too. If she breaks out a whip - run! (Unless you’re into that sort of thing.)
Love the hammie pic!
Kris’s last blog post..*Squick*
February 26th, 2008 at 1:05 pm
That photo of the hamster exercise wheel/motorcycle cracked me up! Go you, kill that muffintop.
Elizabeth’s last blog post..Best video response EVER-Jimmy Kimmel
February 26th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
i started doing Kundalini Yoga in the privacy of my own home, so that the public could not set eyes on my complete ridiculousness. and when i say “started doing Kundalini Yoga” i of course mean i did it once, sitting out about half of it. there’s a reason i’m not a Sikh.
Crys’s last blog post..You can heal your life, yo.
February 26th, 2008 at 2:08 pm
Wow - Go YOU!
Now get your ass back to blogging.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..The Rest Of The Centerfold Story
February 26th, 2008 at 3:33 pm
Man- I need someone to kick my a$$ in a workout. That hamster pic is great. I bet my Kindergarten students would love it too! Great Blog!
Danielle’s last blog post..Keeping it Green and Clean!
February 26th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
LMFAO!!!! Now come and hide in my car with me and eat sushi so we don’t have to share with anyone else. Maybe we will have some crab cakes too! Mmmmmm Crab Cakes
February 26th, 2008 at 7:59 pm
Excellent! Karen, if you make it BlogHer this summer, we shall have a pose-off! Isn’t it wonderful when your jeans slide off without unfastening them?
As you know, I believe in the Personal Trainer. And I’m proud of you!
Debra’s last blog post..Feed Four Things
February 26th, 2008 at 9:56 pm
Steph - It’s called Dunlap? Jesus that is funny. I imagine the big thick rubber tire. Ick.
Dave - Well I do grab her ankles to do leg lifts.
Janet - aww thanks!
Dana - yes but it feels good afterwards, doesn’t it?
Christina - I have to. If I don’t, I won’t go. I’m like a grown child with the excuses but I go no matter what. Hubby is a good push too and he’s free.
Anne - I’m 8 sessions in and I say yes. Even though I’m about to buy $1000 more bucks worth of training - which equates to about 3 months.
Kris - he totally should have.
Elizabeth - rofl - me too. Some days I have the same expression on my face.
Crys - that sounds too much like cunnilingus for me.
Miss Britt - sorry! I’m doing the best I can, really. :o)
Danielle - thanks for stopping by!
Shannon - shhhh! And hidden sushi is not bad!
Debra - you’re such an inspiration! No BlogHer for me this year - I have another commitment.
February 27th, 2008 at 9:12 am
Ow. Reading this made my body hurt. I do like the term muffintop is much better that pizza dough.
Good luck! Now if I can just get motivated as well!
February 27th, 2008 at 7:38 pm
I’ve been going to the gym only once a week! My lame ass will get flabby! But then I’m with child so I keep saying that as my excuse! Love the hamster but if I saw him in my living room I would freak!
mrsmogul’s last blog post..Olsen twins bring out coffee table book for youngsters
February 27th, 2008 at 8:27 pm
this was pretty much the funniest post in the free fucking world.
i am laughing my ass off.
hell, iwish we could LITERALLY do that. wouldn’t life be nice if we could?
jennster’s last blog post..and then a bumper sticker offended me
February 28th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I’m so in. You need to tape your workout and put it on youtube so I can workout along with you.
PS. I used to have a personal trainer at the gym I was in and I swear that I used to hide from her every time I was there. “I DON’T WANT TO WORK OUT ON THE WEIGHTS, YOU SKINNY BITCH. I WANT TO SIT IN THE POOL AND THEN GO TO THE JUICEBAR.”
Surprisingly I never lost weight.
Jenny, Bloggess’s last blog post..This just in. Guy Kawasaki did not invent the motorcycle.
February 28th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
I’m still working off that entire cheese bread loaf I ate….
hah.
Sarcastica’s last blog post..Taste The Rainbow
February 28th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
OMG. This post made me laugh and laugh. And laugh. Absolutely hilarious!
Mrs. F’s last blog post..You’re Like Totally My BFF!!!
February 28th, 2008 at 5:17 pm
I think all personal trainers were formed from the same glob of sadistic (or is it masochistic…I can never tell the difference) DNA. They smile at you and call you “bud” and say other encouraging things - because otherwise you’ll never re-sign with them - but deep down you know they’re really trying to force you into near-cardiac arrest. And why? For kicks. I think they secretly enjoy watching the pain on our faces.
Yet left to our own devices, I suspect most of us would potato up the couch. So it’s probably just as well that they are the way they are.
Carmi’s last blog post..You’ve been served
February 28th, 2008 at 11:51 pm
I’m extremely impressed. Honestly. I have about 20 sessions at a nearby gym that have just been sitting there…unused. I’m thinking I also need my butt kicked. I’ll be back to complain soon about how you’ve ruined my life. But for now, you’re inspirational. Thanks dude.
February 29th, 2008 at 8:49 am
Have you seen the episode of How I Met Your Mother where they join a gym and Marshall gets a trainer? Your story reminds me of that episode. Funny.
kapgar’s last blog post..Come tumblin’ crumblin’…
March 5th, 2008 at 11:33 am
[...] again to share the fun side of working out regularly, with a trainer. My trainer, “G” read the entry about her being The Punisher and we’ve been laughing about it ever since. Last night I had to write her review so she [...]
March 6th, 2008 at 12:28 am
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March 17th, 2008 at 1:05 am
[...] behind him, my trainer shows up. Master Homie G in Da House sent the apple [...]
April 17th, 2008 at 11:44 pm
[...] running about 6K at a time and tonight I ran about 35 minutes with minimal stops. It helped that Homie G was dragging me by my hair motivating me to keep running. Before we went running tonight, I [...]
April 22nd, 2008 at 9:54 pm
[...] Dear Masta Homie G, [...]