Mixed Feelings
April 14, 2008
Last night I had a dream where I stepped out onto our front porch and I couldn’t see for smoke. White smoke was everywhere and I pushed my kids back into the house to protect them. I was terrified. But I stood there, watching it threaten our house.
Today, reflecting on that dream, I feel as though that threat is this site. I feel like I’m losing touch with my former attention-whore-bloggy-self, like I have said everything I’d like to say and that I’m just not willing to share any details anymore. The stunts I’m seeing on blogs to increase/maintain readership have me wondering what I’d have to do to keep going. Yes it was therapeutic and helpful through some difficult times, but now I feel like I have to do something huge to keep up with everyone else.
Honestly? I don’t care that much about this space anymore. Edit: Okay, that isn’t true. I do care. I just am finding it difficult and I was being overly whiny when I wrote this, this morning. Blogging for me isn’t working because I’m still wondering if these douchebags are reading.
I’m not sure I want to keep blogging. When I do force myself to write something (usually a link to somewhere else), it’s well, boring. On purpose. Because I don’t take any risks anymore.
I kind of want to update you on family life, on my fitness progress, on all kinds of things going on. But I feel the only way to keep blogging is to let you in. I haven’t been doing that.
Well guys, I’m not really comfortable with it anymore. While I am proud of how far I’ve come physically, emotionally and mentally, anything I write now will be braggy or lecture-like, and who wants to hear that? I keep thinking of Rockstar Mommy and how she quit blogging, and how freeing it must be. I’m leaning towards that.
I’m well on my way to being ready for that marathon relay. My kids and I are spending tons of time together. The writing gigs and design work are humming along at a sweet pace. I’m busy all the time. I’m grateful for the support I get from my best friend, my husband.
Life is good. I really don’t have any complaints.
Actually, that isn’t true. But anything I have to complain about is bigger than just our little Sugarpants World.
Like global warming, chemicals in food and everyday products, China, health care, education, government corruption at all levels, Darfur, women’s rights, cancer, and a million other things that are scary and big and hard to fix.
Wow, depressing eh?
I don’t want to hear “You can’t quit!” and other nonsense. I won’t share family photos here, can’t bring myself to offer up details about what the kids are up to without feeling like I’m exploiting my kids, and I really think my feeeeeelings on various things are gems I want to keep for myself. What’s left? YouTube videos and links to my columns?
YAWN.
Yeah I think I’ll at least take a break. At least until I figure out how to share funny, entertaining stories without putting my personal morals and family into the fray of attention whoring. Call me a snob, but I feel very protective of my family.
The number of times I’ve thought about shutting down this site far outweighs the number of times I’ve thought “I should blog this!” in the last couple of months. I’m sure many of you have felt that way too. I just feel like it’s all been done before and I don’t want to be in the circus any longer.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:15 am
FWIW, I’ve felt the same way many times but not wanting to close the door on it altogether, I’ve made a conscious decision to only write when I feel like it, even if it means less readers, traffic, whatever. I still fight the urge sometimes to write because I feel like I “have to” but it always passes. It’s liberating, to say the least.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:21 am
I think you have to do what you feel comfortable with.
I don’t really have other places to write right now, so for me I keep going every day because of the commitment I made to myself to write something every day. But that’s ME.
But you shouldn’t be dragging yourself here. I would miss you, sure. But I also know that what you’ve got going on there - with your family - far outweighs my desire to make out with you.
No matter how good a kisser I imagine you to be.
Miss Britt’s last blog post..In Which I Call Forth A Mountain Of Swag
April 14th, 2008 at 10:23 am
Oh shit. Now I feel REALLY shallow with my tongue in cheek whorefest title being splashed across here with your CommentLuv.
I’m so ashamed!!
Miss Britt’s last blog post..In Which I Call Forth A Mountain Of Swag
April 14th, 2008 at 10:26 am
I totally understand.
You can not write for as long as you like, but I wouldn’t shut the blog down entirely, you could change your mind
(at least, I always do. I’ve walked off a couple times, usually takes about a week before I come up with some little triviality that I just MUST SHARE with the world)
Good luck…
Oh, one more thing. Don’t feel bad about feeling good. Damn, girl, that’s awesome, and you’ve worked hard for it. Shout it from the rooftops, or not, but you’ve earned it.
ben’s last blog post..Kids
April 14th, 2008 at 10:32 am
I took a rather long break a while back. I posted really sporadically. I just wasn’t into it anymore. I didn’t want to share every aspect of my life and I had mixed feelings about what I was sharing.
But I missed the community. So I came back. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I won’t ever be one of the big bloggers. I don’t have the imagination or the guts to post some of the things that I see other posting. So the site continues to be a place for me to post whatever it is I feel like posting–as well as a place to maintain contact with those I’ve met through blogging that I don’t want to lose contact with.
Take that break. Maybe it will be a long one or even permanent. But you could also come back with your own definition of what this blog should be for you. It doesn’t have to be about maintaining a certain level of readership or gaining new readers.
You’ve inspired me to get back on track with my own weightloss/fitness goals. I hope you will continue to share your progress. It’s not braggy, I promise. It’s inspirational.
Sleeping Mommy’s last blog post..Sometimes, I just can’t help myself.
April 14th, 2008 at 10:38 am
Well, I can certainly relate to where you’re coming from. I’ve often contemplated quitting, but I know that would be a horrible choice on my part. I need that community.
Take a break and come back whenever you feel like it. Otherwise, you’re just going through the motions.
Karl’s last blog post..The End of an Affair
April 14th, 2008 at 10:39 am
No need to start stunt-blogging.
Take a break and then write when the mood strikes, and don’t write if you don’t feel like it. Doesn’t have to be all or nothing, IMHO.
Surely there’ll be song lyrics you need to share with the world or something.
Busy Mom’s last blog post..She moves her body like a cyclone
April 14th, 2008 at 10:42 am
It would be sad to see you go, but I completely understand. If you don’t love doing it, why take the risk of putting yourself and your family out there?
If you do shut this place down, I wish you all the best. I hear Real Life has a lot to offer.
schmutzie’s last blog post..“7 Random/Weird Things About Me” Is The Meme That Never Ends
April 14th, 2008 at 11:08 am
I agree with BusyMom. Take a break if you need to and then write only what you feel like writing. Blog on your own terms, and for your own reasons.
I would have a hard time quitting the community I’ve grown to love. (Aside from the trolls, who I’ve at least learned to ignore.)
You’ve been a huge inspiration for me lately as I’ve read about your fitness progress. The weather is getting better this week, and I’m going to start walking around my neighborhood, maybe progressing up to running at some point.
Christina’s last blog post..Haiku Friday: A Surreal Experience
April 14th, 2008 at 11:13 am
I walked for four months. No explanations, just gone. I have your back.
To be totally spammy, this is what I wrote when I came back:
http://tinyurl.com/3dedjh
Actually, I think you were gone when I left. Then I came back to find you here. It’s a process. I don’t know where it ends.
Velveteen Mind - Megan’s last blog post..Less Than Zero
April 14th, 2008 at 11:21 am
I have no great advice, but I believe that each of us, as bloggers, has to do what is right for us. So do what you think is right. What does your heart say?
There’s no law that says you have to maintain the blog. I think writing when you feel the need to is a good idea. But it’s up to you and how you feel.
We love you no matter what. If you stop blogging, that’s okay. As long as you keep in touch with us, we’ll be happy.
dana’s last blog post..Product Review: LiceMD Lice & Egg Treatment
April 14th, 2008 at 11:31 am
You know, I gotta give you props on this. It’s so hard! I don’t have a blog, but I tend to “blog” to every person I meet, as if they really want to know all about me and my life. I suppose there are times when I say too much, or trust too much (actually, I do that a lot)! And then those people either make a cruel comment, or it gets back to me that they think I’m just a Ms. Talkie McTalkerton. It’s usually the people that I really felt I connected with, or liked, that turn out to be the worst monsters.
So, I can COMPLETELY understand how quitting would feel good. I think the blogging world has blown up to a point where it’s not always therapeutic, it’s sometimes just a way to “get to” the people who blog. The internet makes people feel invisible and superhuman all at once. Just look at the horrors on You Tube (i.e., the Florida teens beating up a girl so they could be “internet stars.”) Maybe it’s time to pull back and stick to REAL friends that you can see, feel and contact regularly.
Trust and friendship have taken a punch in the face, I think. We need the little, safe, warm confines of good old neighborhoods and true friends. I hope you can find that and it will make you feel better!
THE TURDS WHO SET OUT TO HURT PEOPLE DO NOT COUNT IN THE WORLD. THEIR ENERGY WILL SIMPLY GO AWAY AND NOT CONNECT OR DO ANYTHING TO BRING BEAUTY TO THE WORLD.
April 14th, 2008 at 11:36 am
I think you just have to be true to yourself. A blog should not be punishment, eh?
anne nahm’s last blog post..How to get 400+ hits from Craigslist Over the Weekend
April 14th, 2008 at 11:53 am
I think that if you are feeling this way, it might be the time to stop blogging. I’ve toyed with the idea of blogging myself but my husband is an officer in the Navy and I just can’t bring myself to put myself out there for anyone to read. Do you wonder about the people that comment but don’t have a website to link to? That’s me! It sounds like you are at this point in your life. Do what feels right. Will you continue at Workit Mom? Good luck with whatever you decide.
April 14th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
I’m siding with Busy Mom on this one. I’m down to the “one post every few days” paradigm myself. Anything else is too stressful, and ultimately feels selfish and pointless. Speak when you have something to say, and continue enjoying life the rest of the time.
So glad everything’s going well for you these days.
Jay’s last blog post..The (Almost) Eco-Family: Strategies for When You’re Eating Sustainably - But Your Kids Aren’t
April 14th, 2008 at 1:52 pm
I could easily stop blogging at any time and I’ve taken lengthy breaks over the years, because who has something meaningful to say everyday? Certainly not me. The thing I could never do is stop READING other blogs. Blogs are my daily drug and the Google Reader is my dealer. I have favourite bloggers who I never miss a post from and I do miss those that have shut their sites down, but with over 100 links in that reader and the fact that I’m adding new ones every day, I’ll always have something to read.
If you do take a break or even shut down for good, I wish you all the best in everything you do My Fellow Canadian(s) (that’s how I have you filed in my reader).
Procrastamom’s last blog post..Hothead
April 14th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
If it’s not fun, don’t do it! Simple rule to live by, right?
Enjoy your family and your health. I wish you all the best!!!
April 14th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
i recently gave up MTWC and i don’t miss it at all. i had long out-grown it and you know what? that’s okay. if you’re only here to “clock your time” then you ought to be doing something much more satisfying and enjoyable.
as for those other mommybloggers, they probably are reading, but not because they’re laughing at you, but because they have no life.
April 14th, 2008 at 5:08 pm
I quoting SueBob on Twitter here, “The only thing worse than blogging is not blogging.”
Is that deep or what?
Kimberly’s last blog post..In the Dirt
April 14th, 2008 at 7:45 pm
You know I love you and think the same things all the time. But then I whore myself out with 80’s garb and BUHAHA. Fuck me, eh?
I’d die to have to design without you so thank god you’re here. Best thing that ever happened to me. Truly (OK, aside from my husbands and kids and wonderful Seattle life.. then it’s ALL YOU BABY)
Mrs. Flinger’s last blog post..Brutally Honest Monday #2: The 80’s Prom Outfit
April 14th, 2008 at 9:36 pm
I’m not reading the other comments so if I repeat anything, I am sorry. But I thought a post like this deserved my uncensored self rather than the edited one.
I refuse to succumb to stunts to keep up with the Joneses as well yet I’m okay with that….I like my niche. However, if I ever felt like I just couldn’t spew forth anymore of me, I’d put it all down in a second.
I think you need to do what you need to do…I love you either way.
Hilly’s last blog post..Blogger Of The Month: April’s Fool!
April 14th, 2008 at 10:12 pm
So it’s likely I’ll be back to blogging sooner than you expect me too - I got a lot of private emails today from people telling me they like my honesty, and they are inspired by the whole marathon thing. Here I was all worried that stuff was boring. I think i can still protect my family and share some of that with you guys.
Anyway thank you all…and to those that Twitter DM’d me and emailed too. It’s this community that I love. The rest can suck it!
April 15th, 2008 at 3:53 am
I’ve thought of giving mine up…I haven’t ever expressed it on my blog but pretty much I only blog every once in a while now. And we won’t go into how I hardly ever comment on blogs. I have too many people in my bloglines that I love and I don’t want to “cut” them because I still want to read them but usually I don’t have anything to say. I dunno, blogging has become sort of a “chore” for me lately if that makes sense.
I’m rambling. It is late. Sorry. ~mwah~
April 15th, 2008 at 4:40 am
I understand where you are coming from. There are days when I think I don’t want to reveal what’s going on within because that’s how I blog. If I can’t be that honest, raw me then I don’t post.
You have to do what’s right for yourself and your family. Maybe taking a break for a day, a few days, a week or however long is what you need to do is the answer. You’ll find it and you will know when you’ve found it.
Lisa’s last blog post..Disney Update
April 15th, 2008 at 7:51 am
I’ve quit blogging more times than I can count. Everytime I come back to it like an addiction. I don’t understand how something so theraputic and amazing can also be so terrifying and draining but it is.
Take a break. Rest. Ignore the douchebags who I am kind of shocked to hear even exist. And most of all, do what feels right for you.
You are my friend and whether you blog or not you have made a difference in my life and helped me to accept and even be proud of my own mental struggles…and I can never thank you enough for that.
Jenny, Bloggess’s last blog post..Nap box will warp your kid/is awesome.
April 15th, 2008 at 8:22 am
I understand, and sometimes? It is the time, for a hiatus at least. Take it, guilt-free, if that’s what you want. I’ve throttled back on the personal blog, which is less and less about me and more and more about issues and things. So…I’m putting more into MOMocrats for the politics and Moms Speak Up for the earth. I feel good about that. (And remember…there is always space for you at Moms Speak Up…ALWAYS!)
Boy do I know what you mean about the antics to keep up, though.
The good thing about the dialing back is that it separated the wheat from the chaff. I’m a big fan of wheat, and am very grateful for it.
Julie Pippert’s last blog post..What are you supposed to write about on Wednesday and the next week?
April 15th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I’ll never tell you to quit. That’s for every individual to decide.
Personally, I feel the same way you do. I feel like I have to come up with something terribly funny, witty or absurd every day, and I am just not as gifted as Avitable or Fab. I wish I was. I wish my readership was larger. I wish that those who read me would comment more.
What helps me is to have recurring weekly things. Like, I have 20Q Wednesday and Freewrite friday (I didn’t start that). I also have the girly-girl series. I am thinking of not blogging on weekends, so that takes up two days worth. What I do, though, is look at my stats. The days I get a lot of hits, I look at the content. What did I write about? Is it something I want to continue? What about it increased my readership?
Your blog is for you. Write whatever you want. Everyone says that. It’s YOUR journal. Don’t worry about hits or comments. A lot of people read our blogs and don’t comment.
Take a break. See how you feel. Write when you want to. Most of us are not Avitables and Fabs. And we all still love each other and read each other.
Absurdist’s last blog post..Da Booby Boil: Caption Contest
April 15th, 2008 at 7:09 pm
I feel you, I think we all go through the same every now and then. I’m still looking what I really want to write about and got sucked into too many product reviews..
If you feel like it, I just started a new “Lemonade Meme” and would love you to participate. Life gives us all bitter lemons sometimes and what’s a girl gotta do? Make lemonade! The meme is supposted be inspirational, so at least check it out
http://skimbaco.blogspot.com/2008/04/lemonade-meme.html
Katja of Skimbaco’s last blog post..Lemonade Meme
April 15th, 2008 at 8:56 pm
Stunt blogging? Like jumping over a cliff while talking about your kid’s poop?
Hang in there and take a break if you need it. We’ll all still be here later.
Avitable’s last blog post..Please don’t read this.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:05 am
Isn’t it weird how our blogs become an identity? So if we’re changing on the inside, as we all do, and the blog doesn’t reflect this somehow it’s not fun anymore. So take a break or hang it up or mix it up, whatever it takes so that it’s fun again.
LionAndMagicBoy’s last blog post..time travel with a side of antibiotics
April 16th, 2008 at 7:48 am
One of the reasons why I slowed down was something you already mentioned, but it came at such an ugly time in my life that it was going to happen anyway. That pressure of daily writing is one I put on myself. Couldn’t really blame anyone else. But I also know that it sucks the creativity of the book I have in me so, for now, I balance. When I’m ready to write for publication full time, I’ll do that. The minute details that you think, “Oh! Blog-worthy!” aren’t supposed to take over the other creative things going on.
And YES, I get so irritated with the desperate attempts to get comments because it’s a false way to build community. That should be a more natural process and I can see that it’s been lost for some people. I do, however, torture myself by going to see one site in particular that whores itself out because I am, sadly, waiting for the person doing the site (I would say “writing”, but that’s a stretch) to burn out.
Lessons learned may just happen to be for other people. So I’ll stop being so petty and just do my OWN THANG. And I’ll be grateful that you and I are in a community that just happened. Thanks for putting well into words my thoughts.
xoxo
Mocha’s last blog post..Magnum Opus, Bitch
April 16th, 2008 at 8:13 am
Fine. But you’ll still tweet, right?
Sarah, Goon Squad Sarah’s last blog post..Claudia Will Make You Jump Jump
April 16th, 2008 at 10:14 am
I’m so sorry that you’ve been burned, I know the feeling. You have to do what’s right for you and what you feel comfortable with. Just know that I am one who enjoys reading your blog but will understand if you need to move on. Good luck with your decision.
Mrs. Schmitty’s last blog post..My Hard Work Paid Off
April 16th, 2008 at 10:24 am
I think I’m relatively boring on the whole and am always suprised people read my constant mumblings about my life, the kiddos, and the 100 kajillion portraits I take.
I enjoy it though.
When I stop enjoying it, I’ll stop doing it.
I do have my work and I really enjoy it. If you don’t LOVE blogging - don’t do it - what a waste of energy that would be.
If you find you do love it, then do it again. We can create ourselves one hundred gamillion, trazillion times if we want to!
OMSH’s last blog post..So much to say…all the time in the world to say it.
April 16th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
I’ve been in this same place a lot lately. I’m not into the blog stunts, and I really don’t care about having my blog all over the place and known like that, but at the same time you get to the point that you feel like you’ve said everything of interest. I guess I’m looking at is right now as a writing challenge–find new stories and new ways to tell them.
Hope you stay with it, Karen!
Steph.’s last blog post..What I’m up against…
April 16th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
First of all - that you got hurt by people who you thought were friends sucks. I remember what you went through last year, and I felt for you, worried for you, about you. In a way, though, it’s good to be able to weed the good from the bad, even though it stings. I know it stings.
Secondly. Someone else said it in the comments, so I know I’m repeating - but blogging shouldn’t be a chore. It shouldn’t be hard. It got that way for me a while ago, and I walked. For two months, maybe longer. I can’t remember now. And at the time, I was DONE. Fucking done. Stick a fork in me kinda done. And then slowly, I found myself wanting to come back. So I did, but on my terms - I’d blog when I wanted and I’d comment when I wanted, where I wanted. I realized I’d put pressure on myself to be the star blogger and commenter and it had sucked the fun right out of blogging for me.
Taking that break was super refreshing. I think every blogger should take a break, maybe more than once. It did wonders for my “blogging soul”. So if you feel like you want to step away - do it. If you feel like you want to walk completely - do it. Because what matters is your heart, and your family.
I mean, obviously I’d miss you, but there are other ways to keep in touch.
Do what you gotta do to feel good, chica.
mamatulip’s last blog post..Nudes?
April 16th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
Yeah. What they all said above me and my 2 cents … which is that I’ve enjoyed reading you for a long time. I like your honesty. You are truly one of the few no BS bloggers on the net.
And it was always good to look at other folks’ insight to happenings in their life. I’ve learned a lot from you, even though I’m an old fart and you’re a young whippersnapper!
Good luck in life, love, and peace within yourself.
Mattie’s last blog post..Lap Banding vs. My Brain
April 19th, 2008 at 1:56 am
I’m a comment slacker - I admit it. But I just wanted to say that I can completely relate to the feeling, and sometimes when I say I’m taking a break is when I get all my best blog thoughts.
As long as I can keep in touch with you, somehow, someway - that’s really the important part for me. YOU are the important part.
Plus also? You’re the ginchiest. ?
aka_monty’s last blog post..How can turning 40 be bad with THESE?!??