Bathroom Behaviour
May 17, 2008
Open my bathroom’s 2 cabinets and 4 drawers and you will immediately note that 43 percent of said space is devoted to 7.5 percent of each month. That’s right, I have no less than 2 boxes of tampons, 4 packs of various sized pads and 2 boxes of panty liners at any given time.
Growing up in my grandparents’ home with my kid brother, there wasn’t a woman to turn to if I ran out of feminine products and to this day God himself has put the fear of menstruation onto-ith me.
Not that I could rely on my husband and two sons to bail me out, though SugarHubs has certainly found himself juggling panty liners and things with wings while whispering into his cell phone like he’s on a secret mission, many times. I’m sure the day will come when one of my sons secures a place in my will should he take on such a dangerous and covert operation.
There are things my family members tend to do that annoy the piss out of me on a regular basis, in the bathroom alone:
1) The occasional beer bottle on the back of the toilet seat.
I get it SugarHubs. You come home from a long, grueling day at work, you’re hot, thirsty and craving your first beer but priorities like a shit, shower and shave are standing in your way. How can I begrudge you when you’re clearly multitasking?
Just like you hang up your towel, drop various things into your shaving kit as you’re finished with them, and manage a courtesy flush, wouldja mind picking up that bottle on your way out? It is glass, and we both know our 3 year old and glass in the bathroom probably wouldn’t fare well together. You saw what that child did to my bronzing powder, remember?
2) Hey kids! You all have your own hamper! Use it!
Actually, my 3 year old has mastered this. He strips in his room, throws the clothes right in the hamper and runs around with his bok choy danglin’ about while we’re still doin’ dishes, y’all!
He calls himself Nekkid Spiderman and his spidey senses are always jinglin’. It’s particularly odd when he puts the mask on with the flashing eyes.
3) TURN. OFF. THE. POOP-DAR.
There comes a time when your delicate Mama needs to use the facilities in such a way that she needs peace and quiet.
Solitude.
Freedom.
Much like Gay-dar, you kids, after ignoring me for a complete and solid hour to clean up toys or straighten your rooms, suddenly appear at the bathroom door, near knocking it down!
Just yesterday, young Thomas, you started knocking before my butt hit the seat and this transpired:
“MOM! {knock knock} I need to get in there!” (jiggling locked doorknobs)
“Why?”
“MOM! {knock knock} Because I need a sandwich!”
“There are no sandwiches in the bathroom, Thomas. Go ask your father.”
“MOM! {knock knock} But he is sleeping!”
“Thomas, go wake him up. It’s only 7:30 - he isn’t supposed to be sleeping. He will make you a snack.”
“MOM! {knock knock} What are you doing in there?”
“Thomas, please. go. wake. up. your. father.”
“MOM! {knock knock} But what are you doing in there?”
“Thomas, please go wake up your Dad, okay?”
“MOM! {knock knock} (whispering through the bottom of the door) Are you pooping?”
“Thomas! Go wake up your DAD!”
(toddler sigh)
Thomas: “Wow. Unbelievable.* Can’t even get a sandwich.”
Me, stifling laughter, “Not in the damn bathroom. Sheesh.”
*He totally got “Wow. Unbelievable.” from me. I say it all the time. It could be worse I suppose.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:06 am
Totally heart the “bok choy” line. I laughed out loud.
Megs last blog post..it IS.
May 17th, 2008 at 1:07 am
LMAO - Didn’t ya know? Moms aren’t allowed to poop!!
Lorettas last blog post..It’s already been a month, what’s another week…
May 17th, 2008 at 1:14 am
I swear, I would pay $5 a day to poop in peace.
Shamelessly Sassys last blog post..80’s Lady Saga: The Redneck Bridal Shower
May 17th, 2008 at 1:17 am
Approximately 55% of our bathroom cabinet and 22% of the fridge are dedicated to the visitation of ol’ Aunt Flo. Two teen daughters with a penchant for chocolate and different types of ‘feminine hygiene’ products will do that.
Kelleys last blog post..Dunno what to call this, what about Kelley loses her shit again..
May 17th, 2008 at 10:36 am
I don’t think I want any sandwiches that have come out of the bathroom, anyway. But I guess he’s too young to realize that.
Karls last blog post..What is Love?
May 17th, 2008 at 11:05 am
50% of our bathroom real estate is devoted to TP. Yep. I have a fear of running out whilst on “the pot”.
I HATE how the kiddos know EXACTLY the minute your tush hits the seat. It’s weird!
Christys last blog post..Zoo Days
May 17th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Lulz, poopdar. I swear, if I ever was on the phone and in the bathroom at the same time? I would spontaneously turn into a black hole in whence all my offspring would be sucked into. The combined power of their poop and phonedar is just that strong.
anne nahms last blog post..SHOTS
May 17th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Sounds like you have your own Shin Chan.
PandoraWildes last blog post..Always better than a sale–FREE STUFF!
May 17th, 2008 at 3:45 pm
Hysterical!
I am trying to figure the “spray” pattern for peeing. When I clean the toilet… I just wonder how they BOTH can consistently miss.
Nats last blog post..Happiness is a fish you can catch
May 17th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
Well…would it be too much trouble to keep a little mini fridge in there, with some cold cuts and condiments?
Mr. Fabulouss last blog post..Stupendously Stupid Saturday Squiz IV
May 17th, 2008 at 8:41 pm
“MOM! {knock knock} (whispering through the bottom of the door) Are you pooping?”
LOL!! At least he didn’t use a mirror under the door!
May 17th, 2008 at 9:02 pm
Huh? What is wrong with you? You don’t keep sandwiches in the bathroom? GAH. Hahahaha. Let it to kids.
Sassys last blog post..Going From One To Two - Easy.
May 17th, 2008 at 10:02 pm
I can’t have a poo without my kitty, Morgan, being in there with me. Sigh!!
Teena in Torontos last blog post..Rejuvenating the BBQ
May 17th, 2008 at 11:04 pm
I nearly peed reading about the bronzer, because many times MY three year old is putting on my make up. He claims he likes to use my “face brushes” to paint, but I had a bronzing powder mysteriously spill itself all over the bathroom rug. I still can’t get that shit out. He did look cute with rosy cheeks, though.
danas last blog post..Why Sure, I’ll Embarrass Me for a Wii
May 18th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
The bok choy comment alone made my entire day. This post likely made my week.
maggie, dammits last blog post..healing.
May 18th, 2008 at 11:43 pm
I hear you very loud and clear as this sounds just like a conversation that could have been held in my house!
May 19th, 2008 at 1:13 pm
OMG, so there with ya on the poop-dar. I am told that if I’d just yell at them really good once or twice they’d knock it off. Right. Cause they came out of his vagina too, and it worked for him.
Bok Choy! There’s a new one. I love it.
stepiphanys last blog post..Accent Challenge (edited)
May 19th, 2008 at 5:05 pm
My children have fine-tuned the poop-dar. I have been known to yell - after the one millionth request for crayons/clean socks/night drink/chapstick thru the bathroom door “Can you just let mommy poop in peace?!?!?!”
Crazy Lady in Vegass last blog post..Quote for the day
May 22nd, 2008 at 9:48 pm
I giggled out loud at Bok Choy. That cracked me the hell up!
We call it as they are here, but damned if Bok Choy doesn’t make me want to change my mind!!
rachels last blog post..Bring on the Bananas