What’s Happened To Us?
July 24, 2008
I want to preface this by saying I know this isn’t about every blogger, everywhere, but there’s so much animosity and subsequently, distrust, circling above our growing community that it’s choking us.
So I’ve been reading post after post recapping BlogHer, enjoying pictures of friends on Flickr, talking to friends who attended on the phone, and truly, I am so glad most people had a good time. It’s beautiful to see intelligent people come together with one thing in common and make new friends, see old ones, grow together with fresh ideas and such.
But there is an ugly side. Since BlogHer ended, a hate blog has popped up, calling out things that happened, making fun of people’s appearances, and encouraging commenters to do the same. Juvenile, I know. Ignore it - it will go away. It’s gone. I’m sure I was one of many that flagged it on Blogger so good job guys!
Elsewhere, there are blog posts about the Dooce/Bloggess debacle, which really started with a simple misunderstanding. Had these two women met under other circumstances, they would find they have a lot in common, and probably would really enjoy each other’s company. Instead, the situation blew out of proportion and now ugly comments are flying on both sides and for what?
Further to that, Lisa at Clusterfook, the woman I’ve been trying to raise awareness about? She mistook a post by Jester to be directed at her in a negative way, and let loose on him. Once she realized she had made a mistake, she tried to make things right, but instead of forgiving her and moving on, Jester decided to write a long, horrible diatribe about the entire thing. I do hope he realizes this was completely unnecessary, and that sometimes it’s more important to be kind than to be right.
Before BlogHer, Sweetney and Fussypants had it out over remarks that were later apologized for.
Even Erika @ Plain Jane Mom and I had a little tiff over words, of which I later apologized for as well.
To examine the issue a little closer, I gotta ask: where is all this defensiveness coming from? Why are we putting each other down? Why would anyone put together a blog to put others down?
You know, it’s not the first time I’ve felt this way - so unsafe and unable to come out and say whatever I want. Since I got better, I feel as though I’m constantly holding back. I’m afraid to tell you I feel vulnerable about this or that. I’m afraid to be angry on my own blog because I can just imagine the comments; “OMG did you see Karen’s blog? She’s losing it again!”
Here’s the thing. Every one of those situations above had an apology in it. Every one of those people made mistakes in dealing with the situation. Every one of those people did not give or receive the forgiveness necessary to really, truly deal with the situation.
Now I don’t know if it has to do with being on the internet, but honestly, can we move on by forgiving?
Heather: Jenny didn’t mean anything bad in comparing you to Jesus and Santa. (God that sounds really fucking weird) Anyway, she apologized three times for your misinterpretation of the post. You owe her an apology for misunderstanding her and not accepting her apologies.
Jenny: You sincerely tried even though it wasn’t your fault. Maybe it’s time to move on.
Lisa is angry at her cancer, not you Jester. You need to let this go.
Sweetney and Fussypants have dealt with their situation. There’s no need to re-visit this one. Same with Erika and I.
And the hate blog? Just needs to die.
Some of you stuck by me when I was going through hell last year. Some of you stood by to watch the trainwreck and disappeared later. I was an angry young mother trying to work her way out of some deep dark memories of my childhood. Most people, most friends, forgave me for my angry, worrisome posting and lashing out at that time. Some are still weary. Some disappeared and some, sadly, still make fun of me for what happened.
All I can do now is move on.
I encourage those of you who are able to forgive the person who made you feel rotten, to do so. For those who have apologized, that’s fantastic. But sometimes people don’t forgive. Sometimes people hold on to anger for whatever reason, and if you’ve reached out to say you’re sorry once, twice, three times, and you’re getting no forgiveness, sometimes the best thing is to forgive yourself and move on.
For the rest of us, who read and watch as these things unfold? I don’t expect anyone to walk away from this feeling all okay with the world and love and trust and peace and harmony, but the least we could do, as fellow human beings with feelings, is to have enough respect to stop and think about how our words affect others, both online and offline.
I’m going to try to feel safer, and put myself out there more. (Read: be less boring).
So in advance:
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July 24th, 2008 at 1:50 pm
Young?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:51 pm
Very well said.
The Blogher “hate” blog was probably written by some catty person that has nothing better to do than rag on other people. I never knew such a blog existed, but like you said, who the heck cares?
July 24th, 2008 at 1:58 pm
For the record, Lisa did nothing that would qualify as “trying to make it right.” I gave her several opportunities to explain herself via a very public twitter conversation. She had an opportunity to declare either on twitter, on her blog, or in my comments section that she had taken my post personally in error and she did not. Instead she directed everyone to me, labeled me as a two-faced ass who was picking on a terminal cancer patient. She did nothing to refute that.
If I were to post something seriously untrue about you… let’s say, I decided that YOU are the person behind the “manufactured drama” blog and additionally you call all people living with HIV “wretched immoral homos” on a public forum… Would you not respond to that? Would you be the “bigger person” who would let me get away with that?
Ok… now I have a terminal disease does that change how you respond.
If you say yes, you’re kidding yourself.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:00 pm
I think the world doesn’t feel good to ANYONE (but perhaps one of the oil barons) right now. People are freaking out, and not just online. Online is an outlet, I think. Not excusable, but perhaps safer than telling their boss what’s running through their minds….
I’m done with the drama, but I feel it too.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
Here, here! I couldn’t agree more.
My mouth is hanging open over the hate blog. I couldn’t believe it when I saw it!
July 24th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
I have a post in my drafts that is so similar to this. Good for you for finishing yours. LOL
I wish people would just… I don’t know… remember all the times they fucked up. You know? And look through THAT lens of humility when they run into other people’s shit.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
Whit - you are a meanhead and I’m not playing with you anymore.
Jen - I guess. I only read what’s there now and don’t plan on returning.
Jester - This is what I meant about being kind over being right. Lisa deleted her post because she realized she wrote it in anger. I really really do not want to go back and forth with you. I’ve said what I need to say. I think you need to let it go, stay away from each other if you can’t forgive, etc.
Kyra - you’re bang on.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:06 pm
Miss Britt - that’s exactly what I meant. I fucked up last year and even last week when I got mad at Erika. People make mistakes.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
I wonder when “I want to get a gun and kill this asshole” began to qualify as trying to make things right. Get your facts straight.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
Othurme - what?
July 24th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
So where is this ‘hate blog’? I know i said i don’t care, but sheesh! I need to be in the know!
July 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
Thank you for saying this Karen. I hate all the controversy, especially the spewage about Lisa. And a blog solely based on hating on other bloggers? That frigging bites and I hope it dies a quick death.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
I don’t even know what to say about that blog. I was really pissed off when I saw it and I’m glad that some strong and brave women stood up and commented about it.
It’s truly pathetic when you have to make a blog to anonymously talk shit about others. I want to punch them in the cunt.
The drama is just ridiculous and extremely childish. As much as I’m a whore for gossip, this stuff is truly making me sick to my stomach.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
“What Miss Britt Said”
Oh, and Karen? Me love you long time!
Shash
July 24th, 2008 at 2:21 pm
catnip - yes it made me really sad - all of it.
sam - yes i just emailed the 3 of them. bravo! and yes, i’m also feeling sick about some of this stuff.
shash - you know i loves you! xo
July 24th, 2008 at 2:39 pm
I try to keep it in perspective. For the tiny moments of drama, there were still 1000 women at BlogHer having a fabulous time for 3 days. People looked pretty f***ing happy except for me in Macy’s when I hadn’t had dinner by 10 pm.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:50 pm
Thanks for writing this. I was only marginally aware of the other dramas that you refer to, but I know the feeling of tension that washed over the ballroom when people thought Dooce and The Bloggess were going to have it out. Not a good feeling and one that I’ve never associated with BlogHer in the past. It took courage to post this and I appreciate your strength.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
I STILL don’t understand how that Blogess/Dooce thing got so out of control. It did not seem like that big of a deal. I saw OTHER people trying to MAKE it a big deal, though. Egging-on drama? WTF, people? I left junior high behind me 15 YEARS AGO.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:54 pm
Need to check hate blog for photos of me. Seriously.
July 24th, 2008 at 2:55 pm
Here’s some drama for you…I’ve recently left Baked Lays for Cheetos. I’m a whore.
July 24th, 2008 at 3:14 pm
Suebob - yes that’s what I opened with at the top, darlin’! Saw your flickr pics - how fun!
heels - me neither. people like to talk, but underneath it all there is pain and that sucks.
Kimberly…rofl! yeah okay - nobody hates you.
Hilly - now I want a snack. Thanks whore. xo
July 24th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
This is just crazy. We should all be supporting each other and building each other up… kum bai ya and all that crap! But there will always be those few who like to stir the pot, who like to see people hurt and create drama between people that doesn’t need t be there. Sigh….. Now everyone pour a nice big glass of wine and enjoy some big deep breaths!
Kats last blog post..wordless wednesday - i think we got a dog
July 24th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
Nice work, lady. Nice work.
July 24th, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Karen, I agree with you. The truth is that everyone has a choice about what to do with this - feed it or starve it. I’ve not seen the hateful blog and won’t look for it. (I was not aware of it until I read your post.) I’m only on the periphery of all of this and only heard about the ugliness third hand, sometimes fourth-hand, but am left with the overwhelming sense that this is a time to pull together - not play competitive games about who is right and who is wrong.
It’s time to let it go.
~*
Chanis last blog post..Is Silence Complicity?
July 24th, 2008 at 4:52 pm
Damn it. Here I was in the little bubble of sunshine and rainbows, completely oblivious to the drama and now you’ve gone and brought it all up.
Seriously, I think some people just believe the hype a little too much.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:26 pm
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaarg!!!
Nats last blog post..No Girlz Aloud!
July 24th, 2008 at 7:41 pm
Didn’t have a clue, still don’t, not gonna get one! Thanks for the heads-up.
July 24th, 2008 at 7:49 pm
I Tweeted how I felt about all the drama everywhere lately… Your words were much more eloquent.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:26 pm
You white girls crack me up.
Barbie Doll Bullshit Drama always has an audience. But me? I loved it this year and the suckiest part was not seeing your or Belinda!
Yeah, I realize that’s more white girl friends I have.
Gah, the haters are gonna get me for the racism here, won’t they? BRING IT.
July 24th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
Luckily (for me) I have stayed away from most drama - aside from the trolls who think I need to be sterilized because I have tattoos. Most of the time I’m totally clueless about it. But I would like to hope that should I become embroiled in some, I’d be adult, understanding, and forgiving. I hope. As for you, woman, I love you. I hung around during the venting, and I’m here now. Not planning on going anywhere.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:01 am
Wow. Although I would’ve loved to have been there, the clash of the titans would not have been my favorite part.
In all honesty, I’ve read more about the drama than I ever cared to. And you are so right, just apologize, accept and move on with it. To really bring it down a notch, my weekend is going to be spent with a family whose lost their 9 year old son Wednesday to cancer. People need to remember there are bigger things in life than ego and who said what. Time is precious, never waste it on the ugly.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:05 am
A-fucking-men. I don’t get the whole BlogHer drama at all. I was there. I had a good time, because I was realistic about it. I didn’t expect to like 1000 women. And I didn’t expect 1000 women to like me. I just tried my best to be civil to people and tried to remember that my perception of who these women are for a few short days was just that - a perception.
People who get the hate-on for others and refuse to let it go need to get a hobby. Seriously.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:19 am
There’s a hate blog? About BlogHer? Ugh. I sure hope it goes away. I’m glad I don’t know where it is. I’d be sad to see all the people I love being trashed online. Ugh. I said that already.
Double, Triple Ugh.
It’s time for us to come together. Instead of ripping each other apart.
July 25th, 2008 at 1:19 am
I don’t know anything that’s happened, and I don’t even really know anyone you’ve mentioned (although a few of the names seem to be on my Twitter list, by coincidence); heck I don’t even really know what the premise is behind BlogHer.
Is it not possible that some times, people just don’t get along? It’s one thing to have been friends and then have a major argument, but something else when personalities just clash from the offset - even if it’s the offset of actually meeting someone IRL, rather than online.
Garys last blog post..Fire update
July 25th, 2008 at 2:02 am
I think I love you. (more)
July 25th, 2008 at 2:10 am
Somehow I’m always out of touch and out of the loop when all the drama goes down. I don’t understand the drama, so I guess it’s a good thing I’m never in the middle of it.
Karen you sure cleared up a lot about a lot of veiled comments I’ve seen around the internet and didn’t know what the hell was up. Thanks for being a straight shooter.
July 25th, 2008 at 3:57 am
Meh, the hate blog didn’t have much bite if you ask me. It’s a place to spew more hate and people that feel the need to voice such tripe should at least have the balls to do it with their own name.
July 25th, 2008 at 9:55 am
annonymous hate blog? i’m sorry…but it all just seems a little too 7th grade to me…
grow up, people!
July 25th, 2008 at 11:37 am
Things like this make me glad to be so detached and compartmentalized. Where do these people find the time and energy to engage in these back-and-forths?? I’m WAAY too lazy for all that. I’ll just stay over here in my tiny corner of the blogosphere, with my modest little blog, only picking fights with assorted Sesame Street characters and a few people who I know are too busy and successful to give a shit about the tacky things I say.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
I don’t know nuthin’ bout no bloher drama. And I didn’t see/know about a hate blog directed towards it. Maybe because I don’t care about blogher one way or the other, so I don’t keep up. I don’t read any of the above mention blogs so I can say with much happiness, I am unaware of that particular drama.
As to hostility in general, it will always be there in one form or another. The difference between personal offline dramas is that you avoid those people and unless you get a psycho stalker (not really very common) you avoid them. On the net, people won’t leave you the fuck alone. You can say whatever and get it out of your system and get over it, or you can keep bringing it up in little slaps and snarky comments. (I don’t like the word snarky. Maybe I’ll blog about it.) So yeah, that’s the difference.
It is a total waste of time especially when I can be wasting my time playing Sims2 or baking cake cuz losing 12 pounds means I have to put it back on as quickly as possible…blech.
You, as far as I’m concerned, are a model people should want to emulate. You make me ashamed of myself because you ignore(d) some of my major character flaws when I have trouble doing that very same thing with others.
And the being kind over right thing is really zen. Please send me instructions asap. Thx.
Miss Ann Thropes last blog post..Off kilter
July 25th, 2008 at 12:23 pm
PS: I am so friggin happy I don’t twit or tweet or twitter or wtf is is people do.
Miss Ann Thropes last blog post..Off kilter
July 25th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
BlogHer hate blog?
I’m stunned that people have so much time and so little to do.
Sorry I didn’t get to meet you last weekend.
Don Mills Divas last blog post..Privacy? Schmivacy.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:28 pm
Or wait - I think maybe we did meet. Were you hanging with Redsy?
Don Mills Divas last blog post..Privacy? Schmivacy.
July 25th, 2008 at 12:49 pm
I’m single-momming it this week so I’m not up on all this hater stuff but I did watch the Keynote live video and the Heather/Jenny thing just doesn’t seem like such a big deal to me. Maybe it’s because I know and understand Jenny and because I can imagine how much hate gets flung at Heather that I feel for both of them. It was, in my estimation, a misunderstanding. I was sad to have missed BlogHer but not sad about missing the drama.
IMO, the best way of dealing with online negativity, which literally makes my stomach quake, is to just move away from it completely. If nobody feeds it, it will die off. I learned that the hard way after a couple years of going around and around with some message board people who ended up stalking and threatening me until I literally had to cut myself off from the online world for a few years.
Everyone just turn your back to it and move along. You know what they - Don’t feed the trolls!
Izzys last blog post..Better
July 25th, 2008 at 1:02 pm
So very well said.
Turnbabys last blog post..Half Nekkid Thursday Edition No. 18
July 25th, 2008 at 10:29 pm
You’re completely right, Karen. Perceptive as always, and you weren’t even there this year. (And you were MISSED!!)
I didn’t even know about a hate blog. I’ll admit a little curiosity now - the vain woman in me wonders if I was mentioned, although doubtful since I’m not that well known. But I can’t believe someone had the time to waste on a blog spewing negativity. How draining.
I guess people need to keep to the golden rule of the internet: post nothing that you wouldn’t say directly to someone’s face.
Christinas last blog post..Haiku Friday: A Bit of a Shock
July 27th, 2008 at 7:05 pm
I didn’t go to BlogHer and wasn’t aware of this latest tiff (despite reading both Dooce and the Bloggess). I watched the whole Sweetney/Fussypants thing move from Twitter throughout the blogosphere and it made me really glad that I’m far enough on the fringes. I know how you feel, though, about not feeling free to say what you want. Sometimes I get so caught up in not offending anyone I forget that, hey, this is my little space to write whatever I want — within reason, of course, and attacking someone is hardly ever justified. Putting all that energy into starting a hate blog baffles me.
Kathys last blog post..Hip shot
July 27th, 2008 at 11:06 pm
[...] in their response to this than me. If you’re interested, go visit Her Bad Mother, Casey, Karen Sugarpants, Mrs. Flinger, or [...]
July 28th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
Somehow I manage to always remain pretty much blissfully unaware of all the drama that goes on. I support my friends when they need help or are hurting and treat people as I would hope they would treat me. So far so good, but it makes me sad to know that a lot of people I care about often have so much bad stuff going on. Can’t we all just love each other?
I love that you wrote this.
toris last blog post..The Socks That Will Kill Me
July 28th, 2008 at 4:25 pm
Good post. I like some where living last week unaware of all the blogher drama. I had read mostly good stuff, but I guess the bad always leeks out even to the periphery.
I am a big fan of forgiveness and accepting apologies. Life is too short to live w/ bitterness for even a second.
Maybe next year there can be a panel on how to handle yourself after Blogher, because you know all that lack of sleep and “stuff” can’t be good. Maybe one panel should be a nap or yoga- like panel where the only rule is to chill.
If anything, from my very outside perspective; there needs to be little more quiet time and just taking a few deep breaths.
I say this in a very kind way. I hope it comes across that way. I just hate bitterness and want this blogging thing be a good and inspirational thing.
I think there is something to be said that people who don’t even go to the conf are being effected by the negativity. Thanks for reading.
blogversarys last blog post..red hat love
July 28th, 2008 at 7:22 pm
I know what you mean about worrying about putting certain things out there … but personally, I love the not so “safe” posts for being vulnerable … chances are if something someone else says makes me upset or angry, it has more to do with something in myself than them, know what I mean?
I’m looking forward to seeing what else you have to say!
the other toris last blog post..Bit in the Butt
July 28th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
word-word-word-word.
This so needed to be said (and, yes, I was one of those people that freaked at Blogger over the hate blog. SOLIDARITY, yo.)
Her Bad Mothers last blog post..A Picture Is Worth Years Of Therapy
July 29th, 2008 at 8:11 pm
I’m so way late to this, but have say I completely, completely agree!
Ever since weighing in on one of the Internet dramas you mentioned in a post, I have felt that I should have just shut my mouth and never said a thing. I look back and think “why was I so MAD?!”
Anyway, I think I keep learning lessons from these dramas. I now know why I really blog, it’s for the friendships, the community. It’s hard to look past drama, but I think it’s important to stop and think before saying things and be a big enough person to forgive and FORGET.
Jennifer, Playgroups are no place for childrens last blog post..Means to an end
July 30th, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Karen,
I stumbled onto your blog during your very trying time. Just about the time you morphed Vodkarella into Sugarpants, my life took a turn for the weird, so I’ve spent time wondering if you were ok and hoping your friends were rallying ’round.
I’m relieved to see that you’re going strong.
I’ve avoided Blogher conferences so far because I went to an all-women school and I get annoyed with drama. (For the record, every conference has drama…it’s just different drama) Reading the after posts and then HBM’s commentary and now this…I think I’ll register for next year’s conference.
And ignore any drama that ensues.
Thanks for a very level-headed post.
paiges last blog post..Boooorrriiinngg