Speak Up Sonny!

October 11, 2007 Friends

Watching Canada AM, I just half-listened to a commercial and perked up at the words

“urine test dot c a,”

only to see what the actual url was:

hearing test dot c a.

There’s a haiku here somewhere, but I suck at haikus.? Haikus?? That doesn’t look right.? Can you pluralize haiku?? Is pluralize even a word? I need a teacher.? This one just got fired from iVillage and is on her own now ~ perhaps I can hire her to help me think.

She’ll just have to talk loud.

Girl’s Night Out

October 3, 2007 Friends

Something similar to this horrific story nearly happened to someone I love.? Read it.? Watch each others backs and for God’s sake, be careful, aware, cautious.? Be safe, my friends.

Britney Spears and Her Bad Mother

September 12, 2007 Friends

This post has been rolling around in my head for a couple of days but Her Bad Mother’s Catherine took it and made it all fancy, so now I don’t have to write it. Thanks Catherine!

Now why couldn’t Chris Crocker have been as rational? (video - NSFW due to swearing)

I make fun of Britney all the time but I haven’t said one word about her body at the VMA’s. I’m totally Pillsbury in the middle too. You might say, “Well Karen, you don’t prance around on stage in a bra and panties,” but here’s where you’re wrong.

Okay you’re right, I don’t. Nevermind.

Still, Britney was Little Girl Lost up there and I felt there was nothing funny about her performance.? I wanted to wrap that poor kid up and bring her home.

The fact of the matter is, the paparazzi is constantly on her, we’re eating up their filthy, twisted product on a daily basis with websites like The Superficial, magazines, and t.v. shows aimed at dragging celebs through the dirt and catching them at their worst.

If she was fitter we’d say she’s too skinny.

She can’t win. Why would she try to?

As for the rest of her trainwrecky life - I sure hope that young mother finds her way. I’m afraid of what may happen if she doesn’t.

Dying from Laughter. DYING.

September 7, 2007 Friends

These two posts from Sassy are making my sides hurt.? You’re welcome.

Judgy Judgmental Pants

August 27, 2007 Friends

One of my very best friends has a son who has special needs. His special needs cannot be seen, much like a heart condition. He is a lovable child with a huge heart. He enjoys a lot of the same things that most kids enjoy. He adores Scooby Doo, singing, dancing and is learning to ride a bike.

Ryan is 11. He has gorgeous red hair and an infectious smile. Honestly, Ryan’s smile, even from a picture, can make me brighten even when I’m in the depths of despair. He is Amazing. You would be lucky to know him, trust me.

Ryan’s parents are also Amazing. I won’t get into details as to what they deal with on any given day, but parenting Ryan is not easy. There are a million decisions that need to be made every day, piled on top of a million provisions that need to be made. Parenting Ryan is above and beyond the call of average parenting duties.

Ryan has no idea what I’m about to tell you. This is really important. I need your complete attention.

When Ryan and his family go out in public, the differences in Ryan by looking at him are not immediately apparent. He is a strikingly handsome kid, and when he is walking alongside his mother or quietly looking at items in a store, his differences simply aren’t obvious.

Ryan loves to sing and dance, as I mentioned. Quite often, it makes no difference as to where he is, he will sing, and skip and play, as young children do, and enjoy himself wherever he is. Sometimes that is in a store, or a parking lot, or in line at the checkout. He’s a happy kid, period.

So when your child, who sees Ryan enjoying himself, nudges you to point him out, and you turn to your friend and do the same, his mother is watching you. You can either choose to make this an educational time for your kid and say something about not judging others, or you could point, stare and call Ryan weird. But know this: his mother sees you.

While her heart is breaking at your actions, know that while you’re getting a kick out of making fun of a child with special needs, you are hurting a mother who cannot say anything for fear of calling attention to your abhorrent behaviour to her young and innocent son. She wants to protect him from this world of cruelty and people who judge based on looks.

Know that 2, 4, 10 years later, she still will remember your face, your glances, your words. They sting. Believe me, if I had been standing beside my friend that day, I would have discreetly said something to you that would ensure that you would remember my face, my glare and my words. So would your kid. He would hopefully learn that what the 3 of you were doing is very wrong.

You wouldn’t poke fun at a child with Down’s Syndrome, would you? You wouldn’t dare tell a man in a wheelchair that he can’t park in a handicapped spot, would you? Not all conditions are visible. Heart conditions, Tourette’s, mental illness, anxiety disorders, alcoholism, blood disorders, allergies…to name a few.

So next time you’re out and about and you see anyone, of any age, who is different than you, remember Ryan. Remember Ryan’s mother. Remember not to break her heart. She sees you.

A One-Time Appearance

August 15, 2007 Friends

A few weeks ago, Karen emailed me and said “SJ,” (as people rarely call me by my real name, which is totally boring and WASPY, though I can’t say that my heritage is the Germanic/British Anglo-Saxton which is mentioned in WASP, especially since there’s some Spanish blood in there, which explains why everyone in my family tans easily, except for me.) “Would you like to guest blog on my website?”

That got me to thinking…guest blogging, do people really do so? I mean, sure I’ve seen it from time to time but figured it was just one of those fantasy things that people reference or talk about, but don’t really believe in, such as Canada. In my book, Canada and guest-blogging are both on par with the Tooth Fairy.

Then, after I thought about guest blogging, Canada and the Tooth Fairy, I wondered why nobody, in my four years of blogging, has ever asked me to guest blog. Sure it could be that I like to put semicolons in places they don’t belong and I enjoy very long paragraphs within parentheses, but, come on! I’m a nice gal! There’s plenty of boobie touching pictures from BlogHer to prove it.

After jumping up and down for what was at least five minutes, I got to thinking about what I’d actually WRITE on Karen’s site. Do I write about that sex change operation she’s undergoing, or is that one of those things, like Great Aunt Hilde’s Mustache, that we just don’t mention?

I think it is unfair that she won’t go into more details of the operation, as I’m very curious as to what will be done with that teeny little weenie she’s been sporting for awhile. Do they make it an innie? One really big clit? Put it in a jar for the mantle? Karen, we need details.

If the operation is off-limits, how about her need for constant enemas? Her collection of toenail clippings? That thing she does with her finger when she thinks nobody is looking?

She told me to stay away from anything to do with her anal beads. But she didn’t say anything about her habit of stuffing her bra!

Woohoo! Okay! I’ve got something, finally! Karen stuffs her bra! She’s a member of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee! She puts socks in her over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder! HA! HA! HA!

Now, if I can only figure out why nobody invites me to dinner parties…

This post was brought to you by The Sarcastic Journalist. She invites you to share all of your dirty little secrets with her. ?

You can take the mommy out of blogger but can you make her think?

August 4, 2007 Friends

Hi there! It’s me, Jenn. The Jenn of Mommy Needs Coffee. (And, yes, BlogHer and Aggroqueen and Mommybloggers and even more sites I contribute to, but *whew* that wore me out! So, see! You do know me!) Can you believe Karen handed over the reigns to me? I can’t either! I mean, the blackmail photos I have would…well, they would get Karen to destroy me, so nevermind. No blackmail photos. Yet.

You know, there is a lot of pressure to guest blog on such a popular blog. And one without the name MOMMY in it. I was jumping up for glee to write on a site with a cool name like Vodkarella. I mean, I can even *gasp* say “the F word” if I want to. (Let’s hope she didn’t check anything that says she won’t use profanity.)

I met the always hilarious Karen at BlogHer last year. We spent most of the weekend like this.

This year, the time we spent together was much like this:

Are you seeing a pattern? We laugh together. A lot. Why, because she is HILARIOUS. Not that I need to tell you wonderful readers. So, the pressure to be funny is immense. I don’t know if I have the funny. I think one of the reasons we get along so well is because we can laugh. With each other and at each other. I almost passed up the chance to see her this year until she so sweetly told me, “You are going or I will fucking mess you up!” Doesn’t leave much to question, now does it. When Karen speaks, I listen. Or pretend to. Or just flat out ignore her and then pretend the phone cut out or blame it on her Canadian accent. Any of them work. Though, she is on to me now and I am going to have to come up with some new ones.

So, in the spirit of laughing at me, let me share one of my best “I cannot believe I am such a klutz” moments with you. It is one that makes her laugh and call me the ever endearing “dumbass” that I have come to know and love from her.

(more…)

Vacation Smackdown

August 1, 2007 Friends

I’m leaving teh blawg in some very capable loving hands and I expect you to be nice to our guest posters over the next two weeks. These wonderful amazing incredibly sexxay people have given me their oath in blood that they will not delete the blawg, set the blawg on fire, or clip their toe nails on the blawg and leave the clippings for someone else to clean up.

See you in two weeks. I’ll be on Twitter a little if you really need me. Susan and I established that Twitter is just so EASY, like if IM and a blog had a baby! All these little snippets in their own nest and everyone’s twitters are like cousins, all incestuously mingling like a cocktwitter party! Yeah, we’re kinda weird.

Anyway - be nice to honest with the guest writers. I have no idea what they will come up with, but I hope for high drama great bouts of laughter, and possibly some sinning.

Excellent.

What the fuck am I thinking?

Casting Call

July 31, 2007 Friends

Who wants to tend bar here at Vodkarella? I need guest writers from now till August 15th.

Dudes. I need to break free from teh internetz for a bit. Help a sistah out?

I’ve had my fun:

?(photo courtesy of Christina)

But I’ve got really important activities lined up for the next 2 weeks:

?(photo courtesy of my BlogHer roomie, Sarah)

Email my ass, tout suite (let me know preferred dates). Pretty please?

Vagina Talk: Part Three, BlogHer and a Ranty Rant

July 30, 2007 Friends, family

While I was away, Daren managed to keep the house clean, clean up the outside of the house and the real estate sign is up! People have been driving by at all hours, checking us out from afar and I’m sitting here in my jammies this morning, wondering if anyone would be ballsy enough to ring the doorbell and ask for a peek. God I hope not.

No sweetheart, I don’t know if people do that sort of thing, but I do know human curiousity is strong and that we have a desirable house up for sale. I grew up in apartments so Daren laughs at me when I say stuff like that, but having never been a homeowner before this, I simply don’t have words like soffits and pilot lights in my vocabulary.

So part of Daren’s big strategy to keep the house looking like a magazine, was to spend time at his parents’ place with the boys. Good call, really, since they are always good for juice boxes and extra kisses. Thomas had the family in stitches running around with an empty water gun, yelling “Douche! Douche!” and shooting his father. Then he threw his arms around Daren and said, “Daddy, I’m sorry I had to douche you.”

I wonder if Daren’s family wonders where all this vagina talk comes from. I guess it’s all that raging human curiousity in the air.

***************************************

My experience at BlogHer was weird and surreal and had nothing really to do with BlogHer since I didn’t conference, I just cocktailed and explored Chicago with close friends. I ate very little and got flack, then drank too much and got flack. I spent too much and more flack is on the way about that I’m sure. At one point I holed myself up in the room for a couple of hours just to regain composure so I wouldn’t lose my shit. I knew I couldn’t cut Kimberly’s trip short so I stuck it out and I’m glad I did.

I connected with the people I wanted to connect with, but those moments were too short and there was just so much squeeing I was nauseated by it. I’m not great at being “on” all the time and that was exhausting. I wasn’t there to promote anything and some people didn’t understand that. Mostly I was just myself and I think some people who don’t really know me that well might have been disappointed ~ though I really don’t care. You know me ~ not looking to impress anyone.

Some of the best moments were making drinks nearly fly out of lovely women’s faces and having deep talks with friends. Everyone I managed to really have a sit-down with was a series of layers ~ some of which I identified with, some I didn’t. Some people were just plain silly and that was fun too. And the drive….OY. So awesome.

I will say this: BlogHer has really done way more than they originally set out to do. The empowered women I heard about, met and admired from afar were in abundance. Of those same women, there are friends of mine, I was extremely proud of for finding their voices, sharing their knowledge with other women, surpassing their own goals and that was something to really enjoy.

It’s kinda like watching your friends’ children grow up - you can’t really take any credit, but you are so proud to be there to see it. Way to go, ladies. I’m not linking because you all know who you are and I’m so proud to know so many intelligent women who are driven and succeeding in all different ways.

The only other thing I really want to say is that I saw some criticism directed at the women who are driven. We all have different goals and I think there needs to be more respect of that. There were women there looking to publish a book, to drive traffic to their site, to start companies, and many other things ~ it bothered me to hear jealous rants about this person or that person and I said so when it was done near me. As a work at home mom, I know it’s hard to juggle stuff sometimes and I would hope that the people that I call friends would not act like Mean Girls. Sure it’s competitive in some ways, but know that when you are being cut-throat jealous about someone, it reflects negatively on you.

Also, I had an argument with someone about how hard I work. I was accused of being lucky. If there is one thing I’m not, it’s lucky. Five years ago, I was pigeonholed into a career I hated and I missed my family, especially Dylan, at the time. We all have choices. I made things happen for me by teaching myself html, css and graphic design, and then opening Troll Baby Graphics and throwing an ad on Suburban Bliss, a few years ago. I created a trust with women who, for the most part, were new at this blogging thing, and yes, it was hard work, but it has always been fun. Now I can say I play hard, not work hard, because I love where I’m at. (Having said that, except for current clients, I’m on hiatus from Swank until September 10th.)

The argument got pretty heated on my part ~ I was made to feel as if this whole business I built had been handed to me and dammit, that isn’t the case at all. There are so many assumptions about the women in our blogging community flying through the air that I had to step back this weekend and shout “Hey motherfuckers! We ALL worked hard to get to this point! No one here is lucky.” Ugh.

Take a look around and look at your fellow bloggers - the ones you know, deep in your heart, that are working hard. Maybe they make it look easy, but I know some of these women personally and it pisses me off that they are placed in Ivory Towers and made to look like they accomplish things effortlessly. Being a work at home mom is a juggling act and I think these women deserve some credit. You don’t need to step on heads to get to the top, especially when the top is a wide platform filled with all different kinds of achievements.

*Deep sigh*

Anyway, fellow work at home moms, I’m really proud of what I saw of you this weekend. I hope those of you who spoke or taught others something did well.

**************************************

Now that I’m home, I have a lot to accomplish before we head to the cottage, and the most important thing is hanging with the three guys I missed like mad this weekend. I’m off to play Magnetix on the carpet with two loud kids. Shweet.